It's Never Easy

I've been going to my RE for seven months. Within those seven months, I've had some gains and some losses.

I obviously learned what our main cause for infertility is, the evil monster called endometriosis.

I have struggled with this diagnosis because now I know what all my pain is. Now when I feel the back stabs and the pelvic pain, it's just a reminder that my endometriosis is here to stay and coming back all the damn time. I am not the fortunate case that it doesn't grow back because mine does.

So I consider finding out what really is wrong a gain, but I definitely am having a hard time not thinking that it is a big loss in my infertility battle.

That doesn't mean I don't intend to fight hard against it to grow our family, but it is just that- HARD.

We have done 4 medicated cycles so far, three with clomid and one with injectibles. Here I sit at the end of my two week wait and I feel defeated.

I know that we haven't done a lot of cycles, but for some reason I just don't feel like IUIs are our answer. I don't know why and I wish I could feel differently.

This last IUI, they found that something might be wrong with my left tube. It was open and patent last year during my HSG. It was open this february when I had my LAP done so it just really threw me through a loop when they said it looks dilated.

I've spent the past week mourning my left tube when it reality, I don't know if anything is wrong with it. I have to wait until the cycle is over to have another HSG- and while I don't want to waste time- I am looking forward to not having to go back and forth to the RE next month. Maybe I can pretend this isn't my life or our struggle. Nope, that's not going to happen.

Whatever happens over the course of the next few months, I just have to go with it. It doesn't get easier though. I am trying to be at peace with the knowing that we are not going to have a child anytime soon.  Trying to focus on the other things that need to be done in our lives. I need to focus on being a healthier person for whenever it is my time to carry a child. I just hope that it is possible one day.

Results & The Plan

So our few weeks of testing has come and gone.

Day 3 blood work- check
HSG- check
SIS (ultrasound)- check
Semen Analysis- check

Everything came back normal. I felt that it would even before I began the testing. I do not know why, but I just did. I wasn't looking for anything to be wrong, it was just a step in the direction we needed to go to starting our family.

I had my consult yesterday with my OB about a plan. She gave me some options after labeling me with that dreaded title "unexplained infertility". The options were;

1) continue trying on our own (which we always will)

2) take clomid and do insemination

3) do insemination by itself

4) get referred to an RE

While her suggestions were valid, I didn't feel we are quite ready to stop trying on our own. So I spoke to her about our thoughts on maybe an implantation issue, and we were given a prescription for progesterone in the form of the crinone vaginal gel...yummy!

She also gave us a script for clomid, in case in a few months we might want to try that. She has first suggested the clomid with insemination because clomid makes your cervical mucous more hostile for the incoming soldiers.

I know there are ways in which you can thin out your CM either by preseed or using robitussin. So maybe we will try that. I don't know yet.

When I went to the pharmacy to get the progesterone which I will hopefully start this cycle once my body decides to ovulate, I though that it was going to be a certain price that I was quoted. Well my doctor wrote the prescription wrong and they needed to verify it. I knew that this medicine can be quite expensive because it's not really covered by insurance. So I had to leave to wait for that and that is when it hit me.

UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY. Great.

I knew it would happen, since we've been trying for well over a year. I'm being positive though. We did get pregnant once even for a split second and I do have much faith that it will happen again. When the time is right. Maybe the progesterone will help, the doctor said "we don't know if it helps but it can't hurt you". Well, there's that then.

I'm not giving up. We deserve to be parents and I hope it happens when my body is ready to support the pregnancy.  We will try these options for a few months, think about the clomid and who knows where we will be by the end of summer. All I know is I'm going to live my life. I'm not going to let this define me. We will work at it until it works.

Testing, Testing

Today is the day- my HSG. I felt more nervous the last few days leading up to today. I think I've just let it sink in that there will be people down there face first and they do this all the time. A vagina is a vagina. I wish I really believed that!

I will just be happy when this is done and then next Thursday I do the ultrasound. I probably will meet with my doctor the following week to go over everything. I think I might want to do a shot before that visit! What, drinking and driving is against the law?!?

What's writing about this nerve wracking journey if I can't have a little fun with it. It's my way to vent and get all these feelings out. I'd rather my feelings be more humorous than sad anyways. I've cried way too much in the past few years and I just want to enjoy my summer.

Whatever happens from these tests, thats the way my journey is suppose to roll. I just have to go with it,  and make the best out of this situation.

The hubs did his business this morning to drop off- how awkward and unromantic. That is all I will say about that. They are the lucky ones, their testing is not uncomfortable. Wait, how lucky they are all around. They don't have to deal with periods every month, they don't have to deal with any discomfort during pregnancy and they most definitely don't have to push anything out their hole.

So what I'm getting at, which is not new knowledge- I think they make out pretty good in this whole baby making situation. Therefore, when us women are emotional hormonal car wrecks, it is fair game.

Getting Nervous

Today is Wednesday and on Friday I will be getting my HSG. When I first spoke to my doctor about all the testing, it didn't bother me. When I got the call and scheduled the actual test yesterday, I've been nervous already!

I just don't know what to expect and quite frankly, just not that into have a bunch of people all up in my bizz-natch. It's completely awkward and I find it gross. That being said, it's what I have to do and I can't change it. So yesterday before dinner, I enjoyed a nice glass of wine. I may do the same today and probably will have a glass tomorrow.

I don't normally drink out of special occasions but hey, this is my body, my feelings and I want to mellow them out a little bit.

I'm looking forward to this part of the testing being over so we can either a) find something that is wrong or b) not find anything and start the next step. Either way, it'll give us some kind of answer. I'm not really focused on either of those options, but eliminating things is a good thing.

The hubs has his test on Friday morning as well. I was originally suppose to bring said test in the morning but with my test at 12, I just don't see myself waiting around for 4 hours in a town I don't particularly like. We shall see!