Peace

I can finally say with a smile on my face, that I am at peace with where we are in our journey.

It has taken a long time to get to this place, without being a forced notion that I was trying to make myself believe.

I am embracing this time as we live each day as we like, and preparing ourselves for our future.

I am bettering myself, both physically and emotionally and my main focus is my relationship with my husband.

I love him more than I could ever put into words, and every day with him is a complete blessing.

We are trying to put ourselves back on the right path financially so we can hopefully sometime in a year, start trying for our family again. I just accepted a position for a second job in nursing, and while I am sad that my time will be limited, I am happy for the door that opened.

I am still a believer in everything happening when it is suppose to, I am trusting the process and the journey that is already written for me.

I am happy.

Relationships & Infertility

Over the past 3+ years of riding this infertility roller coaster, my eyes have been opened a lot. I've been hurt a lot, disappointed a lot, so basically a lot has been difficult.

Infertility in itself is one of the most difficult journeys, pair that with people who just don't understand and you have yourself a big bullshit sandwich of emotions. Just like everything in life, unless you go through it you cannot comprehend it. With that being said, infertility has been one of the worst and best things to have happened to us. I know, I know best? Let me explain.

It has grown me into a person that I am unbelievably proud of. Even when I have weak moments, I am strong. I still continue to live and find happiness in small things when deep down, my heart always hurts for what it cannot have easily.

I have always felt unbelievably blessed with my choice of my better half, my bestest friend, my husband. As we continue to travel this journey together, the amount of love we have for each other has grown even stronger and more beautiful. How is that even possible? I am so grateful for this man in my life, who loves me as me- defective and all. He stands by me and we continue to make beautiful memories together as we figure out what this life has to offer us.

I know that the people who undoubtedly support us, while it may be few- they are everything to us. Some of the hardest moments in this journey has been when we felt alone, misunderstood, uncared for or forgotten. It is a journey that doesn't seem to end, and who wants to hear the same things over and over? Putting that thought out there, how would you like to live this over and over? Exactly, not many would choose this for themselves.

I didn't choose this, but it chose us. In the heartache, I need to find purpose for this journey. I need to find something to grasp, to make myself understand why something so painfully open and raw, would be our struggle. Why did we have to have a miscarriage? Why do I have to have endometriosis? Why didn't anything work yet? Why do I need to find thousands of dollars to have a chance at a family? Why is this our struggle? Because it is.

I have accepted our struggle. I have accepted that I cannot continue on our journey in the place I'm at and I need to make changes. I am making them. I am always moving forward with every intention to make this work, to make our future brighter and to eventually bring home our rainbow baby.

Taking A Break

There comes a time in every journey, when one must step back and evaluate the whys, whats, wheres, wants, etc etc.

No journey is ever the same, and your own changes daily. The only people that can make the decision to stop their journey for a while, is you. We have come to a time where we need to take a break and focus on something else, besides making a baby.

My endometriosis is in full force because of all the medications we have been injecting this body with. Our bank account is not where it needs to be, but there is something else that has made me need to stop.

The stress and emotional toll this journey of infertility places on a husband and wife team, is immense. I always vowed that I would NOT let it get in the way of the love I have for my husband. A few weeks back, for the first time in 10 years, we had lots of miscommunication, confusion, frustration- and that's when I knew we needed to reevaluate.

Our current treatment for the past 6 months has not worked. It has caused a lot of self doubt and sadness. It has also pushed me to believe more that IVF is our future. I asked my husband the other night if that's what he wanted to do, or if he wanted to adopt. At this time, we want to put all our energy into making the funds to have a chance at a biological child. Who knows where this will lead us, but until that goal is obtained, we will focus on each other, our health and the love that we share.

As I lay on the bed in the fertility clinic, waiting for our last IUI a few weeks ago, I cried. I didn't want to do this anymore. I cried to my husband that I couldn't do this anymore. He understood and he agreed. We are focusing on our lives and hoping that our future is full of beautiful bright adventures.

Will we stop trying to have a family, absolutely not. It's just a little vacation from the journey. A journey that while it is hard, I would travel a million times to get to my miracle.

Faith

After every failed cycle, every prayer, and every tear you shed- you have days where you think you can't go on. You don't think you can go through another month, more medications, more procedures and end up with the same thing you started off with, no pregnancy.

Then you have the days that truly matter. The days when you are not blinded by your sadness and emotions, where you know you will continue on until your dream of motherhood comes to life. These are the days I live for. The days where in my heart I know I deserve to have children. I just don't know when or how it will happen. That is what scares me the most though, the unknown. Whether it be the amount of time it takes, or the miracle combination of science and faith in a higher being. What is my journey that is already written for me?

I believe that I am on the path I'm suppose to be on, to get to the place I desire most. That doesn't mean I don't question why this is my struggle. I know that we all have them, and the only thing we can do through any of it, is live day by day and hope for a bright future. He does not give more to us than we can handle and I am trying to be strong through this.

For now, I will put my trust in someone I can't see, but hope has the best intentions for this life.

Clomotional

When you are going through fertility treatments, you just never know which way is up when it comes to your emotions. Your moods change from happy to irate to upset in less than 60 seconds flat. I got upset looking at a dead worm today.

Is it because I took the drugs? Are my hormones that messed up? Could I be pregnant? All the typical thoughts of an infertile when she just can't get a grasp on what the hell she is feeling. To put it bluntly, it just sucks.

Some days you feel great, other days there is a cloud over your head just waiting for you to cry buckets. Sometimes over nothing, other times when you realize where you are in your cycle, and you fear the worst. It didn't work.

I read something on a post forum, the lady wrote "we call it clomotional in our house" and that right there was one of the funniest and most true statements ever. Maybe not to a normal fertile myrtle, but to us folks whose reproductive systems are a complete mystery- that is some funny stuff.

It's kind of sad that we have to find humor to get us through the ups and downs of this struggle. If I didn't have my humor, I would most definitely be lying in my bed with the covers over my head, crying those buckets I was talking about before.

Instead, I went to try on clothes and look at stuff I can't buy because fertility treatment costs rule your life. Some days I browse through the clearance sections of the baby clothes, other days I avoid all eye contact with the section. Today was one of the latter.

You just never know when you wake up in the morning, if its going to be a good day or a crying fit kind of day. I try to make the best out of all moods, but I am human and it sometimes gets the best of me.

I just wish sometimes during all this, we could have a sign of some type, that says just around the corner is your happy place bundle of pure joy. It would make it easier. If you could get a card in the mail from God, that just says estimated time of arrival of positive pregnancy test: 6 months. It would make all this pain seem more bearable to just have some sort of insight to the inner workings of a miracle.

As we all know, the birds and the bees + a little science, just doesn't work that way. Oh, infertility- you have won again, for now.

Thoughts on Day 21

We finally had our real first round of treatment this cycle. I took 50 mg of clomid days 3-7, had blood work and ultrasound on day 10 which showed three follicles on the right ovary. I had to go for blood work every day for the next 4 days to allow us to see my LH surge. Last month when we weren't able to do our IUI, it was because I never got a + on the smiley face opk. We had missed our window.

On day 13, I finally got the surge we were looking for so we went in for our IUI Wednesday morning. I wore my lucky socks, put on all my lucky jewelry and brought my lucky stone that has "Believe" engraved on it.

The DH's sample was good- I still had 3 follicles that had been growing on the right side, the largest was at a nice 28mm! We decided to name it Faith for good luck. Then we had our first IUI :-) That was cycle day 14.

On cycle day 15, I still hadn't ovulated- which is typically abnormal for me so I got all upset thinking that my large and in charge follicle was actually a cyst. But, later that night I had a lot of pain in my right lower back that went down my leg. The next morning I finally had a temperature spike. I had ovulated!

Today is day 21. I had asked to go in for blood work to see if the clomid has made a difference in my progesterone levels. The doctor has diagnosed me, on top of the lovely stage 4 endometriosis with luteal phase deficiency. The only progesterone level that I have seen was 1 1/2 years ago and was 8.2. I am praying that I receive a phone call with good numbers. But if for some chance I do not, the reason I asked for the blood work was to allow us all (me and my infertility team) to have more information about the plan going into our second IUI- if that is what is meant to happen.

My thoughts on this entire cycle are both positive and at the same time I feel indifferent. I would love to sit here and be a joyous, very positive Melissa but my past experience with loss and monthly heartache leaves me guarded. I so want this to work for us, I am so ready for my little miracle. Realistically, it's going to happen when it's meant to and not a day sooner.

At this time I sometimes feel robbed of the excitement others get to feel when they miss a period and get pregnant by accident. The sheer joy of having it work when you finally plan to start a family, leaves me wondering why not us? I still have issues feeling jealous of all those women out there who just don't understand the difficulty and heartache of infertility and loss. I try really hard not to feel this way and I most certainly do not wish this on anyone, ever. I am human and sometimes I can't help how I feel. I know that I have become a different person with this struggle, and I hope someday it all makes sense.

I'm trying to keep busy today, but as the time ticks away and my phone call is mere hours away, I am getting nervous. I have to remind myself that what will be, will be. I can't change the number right now. I can just pray that it helps in some way to allow me to become a mother one day.

Onto the Next

April 24th 2012- The day my heart shattered into little pieces as I learned that my pregnancy was over.

Two years later, my first medicated cycle deemed a bust. What are the odds? I don't really know.

I do know, as I venture on in this emotionally draining journey, who I can count on. I know who will be there to listen to me cry, talking about things as if I'm a broken record, and love me on my darkest days. That also means, I know who will not and that's okay.

As we move onto our next cycle- I feel I need to be more quiet on this journey with certain people. I know, that in order for me to not get upset with their lack of respect for me and this process, I need to block them out. I do not need nor appreciate any negative energy.

I have a hard enough fight to win so that my husband and I can bring home our baby. I have odds against me and I feel as if I'm a ticking time bomb. Every new cycle- all I here in my head is tick tock tick tock. I hate that. I hate this.

I found myself saying to my mom and sister over the past few days, I'm tired already. We just started up again in the TTC phase, after having a long break. That break was well needed. It brought me to this place, a place where I now know what is wrong with me. Why my body has failed at creating my dream come true. Now that we have completed a failed cycle- I'm already tired? I'm sure it's a combination of fertility medications + regular lady period hormones.

I am proud to say that as quick as I fall into that deep dark place, I pick myself up. I stop crying, I stop thinking so negatively and I try to get back to my happy place. What happened over the last month is now history and time to move on.

My life is now centered around my period. It is now separated into two week intervals. The first two weeks, a combination of hating my period and hoping and praying that the medications are doing their job. The second two weeks, praying like crazy that for once my body does what it was meant to do.

I am fortunate to have the man by my side that I do- he lets me cry, tries to comfort me and also gives me my space when needed. He is my world. I am grateful for him every day, even in moments where I am at my worst- he still loves me. That is a true blessing.

Our Angel Guides Us

It's a word that you hear about- but a statistic you never think you might be part of.

It's an event in your life that changes you.

It is something that you will never forget.

It has been two years since I have seen two little pink lines. It has been two years full of tears, frustration, false hope and sadness.

As I approach the anniversary of losing our little bean, I am filled with mixed emotions. We are moving forward with our infertility treatment, and the potential promise of a child is lingering. It makes me smile sometimes. Then I think about what would have been at this point, a bouncy happy 16 month old child- and tears run down my face.

I didn't even have a chance to enjoy being pregnant for that short time. From the moment I found out, I knew something was wrong. I held onto hope, and when my fears came true- I allowed myself to grieve. I still grieve, just differently.

I won't forget the journey that we've had to travel. Ever. It has changed me, my relationships, but it has not broken me. I still dream about our what ifs, I still want to picture a house full of kids. Although it hurts that our arms are still empty, we fill each other with joy and keep our faith, that it will happen.

We are going to follow our hearts until we experience the joy of parenthood. No matter where it leads us. May I be able to find some peace in this journey, through helping others. That is what I am drawn to do.

I will rest easy, that good days will be coming. I do not know when, but our journey is already laid out and we must just follow in his footsteps.

I have hope that our angel is guiding us.

Infertility is.....

Infertility is.....

A struggle that while in my teenage years I always feared, but never thought I'd actually have.

A topic that up until the past few months, I've shied away from talking about. 

A journey that while I didn't expect it, I've embraced all the possibilities it has opened to me.

It's ironic how as you struggle through the ups and downs in life, that something that is so open and raw most of the time, can allow you to be a better person instead of resorting to being jealous and bitter. 

It has taken some time to get through that phase in this journey, the phase where pregnant woman, new babies, baby clothes and anything baby related can trigger a hatred like no other. It has taken a lot of deep breathes, quiet moments, and crying in the bathroom to get to where I am now. 

I can smile at a pregnant belly. While I yearn to be that person, in my heart I feel I will get there when I am meant to, not a day sooner.

I can dream about things I will do with my future kids, like running around to get them to their activities and Saturday outings as a family. 

I can talk to my favorite people in my life who have the most beautiful children, and I can really love their children with my whole heart instead of feeling bad that I am the only one childless.

There are so many wonderful things I can feel and experience while going through this battle called infertility. I feel I am up to the challenge. Not every moment is my "best" moment, but I move forward with an attitude that I am proud of. 

I am proud of my struggle. I am proud of the strength I can show and I am happy that I am making those important steps to get closer to what I desire. 

When I look back on these moments leading up to my first child, I will be able to smile knowing I was given the tools to overcome infertility. 

Infertility is a part of my life and I am a part of it. It does not change who I am, but strengthens the individual I am meant to be for my future children. 

The Good, The Bad

I always let time pass without writing anything down. I have so many different emotions towards this journey, I would think I'd want to get them out. Instead, I keep them inside until I have to have a moment and cry by myself. Then I move on.

Since the last time I wrote, some things have definitely changed. One thing that hasn't. I'm still infertile and NOT pregnant. But, that's okay.

I've made major steps forward in this journey and have found some answers to questions I've asked multiple times. In february I went ahead with laparoscopic surgery after finding out that I had a uterine septum and polyps. I started to question whether or not I had endometriosis due to certain symptoms, primarily random spotting and continuous back pain. My suspicions were confirmed and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis.

That was a little blow coming out of my medically induced slumber after surgery. I won't lie and say I didn't shed a tear or two, but then I moved on. I healed, I looked for information and I went to my post-op appointment ready to conquer this battle.

My RE seems very optimistic towards our options because I can in fact get pregnant. I've been pregnant before. We are both hoping with a little help from Clomid and IUI that we can stimulate those follicles to grow some strong eggs and have the best sperm meet for a little date.

Like everything else in life, we all have a habit of visiting the well known google. I've seen many articles saying that using Clomid with Stage 4 Endometriosis, doesn't really increase your odds of conception. I am going to ignore that. I want to remain as positive as I can, and just hope that when it's our time, with the right combination- it'll happen.

There is nothing more that I can do besides that, and make myself as healthy as possible for that precious moment. I have been doing great with my new way of eating. I have lost 38 lbs and I'm still planning on going strong. All my blood work has shown improvement and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

I am going to kick infertility's ass one way or another!!!!!

Where We Are Now

Sometimes it feels like this isn't my life. This isn't our struggle. But it is.

Every month I am met with the same awful period reminding me how I can't get pregnant but letting me know it still exists. I finally had enough. Enough waiting, wondering and thinking that I've done something wrong.

I finally went to my first RE appointment. Another reminder that I live the life of infertile. An infertile who ovulates every month, has a regular cycle and for some reason won't get pregnant.

I've spent so many hours crying and feeling sad for myself, I just don't want that anymore.

I want to feel joyous even in our struggle. I want to be happy. I want to look back and smile at all the wonderful things around me.

So I changed the way I think. In order to live a life of happiness even in the darkest moments, we must be positive. While I still get anxious, still have moments of sadness, I don't let it define me. I don't let it steal my thunder. I move on.

I'm taking control of this struggle.

I am so happy I have finally made the steps I need to, to get to our little miracle. I don't know how it will happen or what measures we will have to take. I am ready.

At the same time, I am also ready to take control of myself and my weight. I have joined a weight loss program that I am so excited to be a part of. I want to be healthy, for me, the people I love and our future children. This is my time to make it all happen. No more living vicariously through others, this is my time now.

Testing, Testing

Today is the day- my HSG. I felt more nervous the last few days leading up to today. I think I've just let it sink in that there will be people down there face first and they do this all the time. A vagina is a vagina. I wish I really believed that!

I will just be happy when this is done and then next Thursday I do the ultrasound. I probably will meet with my doctor the following week to go over everything. I think I might want to do a shot before that visit! What, drinking and driving is against the law?!?

What's writing about this nerve wracking journey if I can't have a little fun with it. It's my way to vent and get all these feelings out. I'd rather my feelings be more humorous than sad anyways. I've cried way too much in the past few years and I just want to enjoy my summer.

Whatever happens from these tests, thats the way my journey is suppose to roll. I just have to go with it,  and make the best out of this situation.

The hubs did his business this morning to drop off- how awkward and unromantic. That is all I will say about that. They are the lucky ones, their testing is not uncomfortable. Wait, how lucky they are all around. They don't have to deal with periods every month, they don't have to deal with any discomfort during pregnancy and they most definitely don't have to push anything out their hole.

So what I'm getting at, which is not new knowledge- I think they make out pretty good in this whole baby making situation. Therefore, when us women are emotional hormonal car wrecks, it is fair game.

You Make Me Stronger

With every struggle comes many emotions. We can all figure out that sadness is probably the emotion you feel the most. I have definitely felt it a lot in the past year and at times I have let myself sink into my own little hole, because I needed to. I needed to feel the sadness that I am allowed to feel. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to sometimes feel an emptiness within my core. We are all allowed to feel however we want to feel, when we want to feel it.

Then when that sadness dissipates, what are you left with? For me, it's the fight in me to achieve the things I want in this life. My struggles, while some days bring me down, they also pick me back up because I won't let them define my story. I won't let what I don't have today, set my mood for my future. I want to be happy.

I want to be happy for myself, my husband, our fur-babies and for our future children. I want to live a life I am proud of, that I can look back on in 30 years and smile. This isn't a journey that always brings a smile to my face, but it is our journey. It is the journey we had to take to start our family. It may not seem that our time is drawing closer, but we don't know that. We don't know when our blessing will happen, but the struggle and all the emotions that have come with it, they have made me stronger. They have made my relationship with my husband stronger.

I couldn't do this without him. I wouldn't want to do this without him. He is one of the very few things that puts a smile on my face when I'm feeling at my worst. When I'm cursing out my lady bits and malfunctioning, he knows how to make it better. I was blessed with him in my life and I am forever grateful.

So while we go through the tests in the next few weeks, I am not going to focus on the results, because who knows what any of it will show. I will just trust that this is where our journey is taking us, and one step at a time we will be closer to what our hearts want most.

The Call

I feel like I am reliving last year and it sucks. Why why why?!? Everyone around me gets pregnant so easily and it just isn't working for us. A year ago,  I find out I was pregnant and then the spotting started. Everyone around me was celebrating their pregnancies and I was crumbling. Here I am again, in April a year later, all those around me are playing with their babies and I just finally made "the call."

The call to my doctor to say this isn't working.

It has been 24 cycles since we started to try for our first little miracle. Every month, instead of two beautiful pink lines, I am greeted with my period. Definitely not beautiful.

To say I feel crushed, basically sums up all my feelings into one word. Im frustrated, sad, disappointed, mad, resentful, upset, defeated.

I am not giving up though. All those feelings, while I may have them, I do know that there is a plan for us and I just have to learn to accept how I feel and try to be patient with the process.

I know this journey isn't going to be easy, it hasn't been so far. But I also know that I have a wonderful man besides me who is cheering us both on. It breaks my heart that I am not making him a dad yet. But I will.

I am going to limit my talking to certain individuals to a minimum because it just upsets me more. I know who I can confide in, cry with, who won't judge me or piss me off.

They never said life was perfect, this is our fight. We are going to win it, one way or another.

Pass the Facebook

If there is anything that can make a smile on your face turn into a frown, stalking facebook is definitely up there on the top ten.

Every day you log on to see pictures from your family or friends, you are met with a new ultrasound picture of a newly expecting mother. *insert cry face here*

It's not that I want to feel bad when I see these little miracles, it just breaks my heart that it's not me. That I am part of a statistic that has a hard time getting pregnant. It hurts. A lot. I know there are a lot of woman/couples out there that are like us. I know that they have made miracles themselves, it's just taking longer. I know my feelings are normal.

That doesn't make these feelings any less heart breaking on any of us. Because it does suck when you are going through it. It does feel hopeless at times, but we all have to do what we can to get what we want. A child of our own.

I'm not going to stop trying. I'm not going to stop praying. I will however say goodbye to facebook for a little while. The less I see, the better I feel! Who's with me?!?