Over the past 3+ years of riding this infertility roller coaster, my eyes have been opened a lot. I've been hurt a lot, disappointed a lot, so basically a lot has been difficult.
Infertility in itself is one of the most difficult journeys, pair that with people who just don't understand and you have yourself a big bullshit sandwich of emotions. Just like everything in life, unless you go through it you cannot comprehend it. With that being said, infertility has been one of the worst and best things to have happened to us. I know, I know best? Let me explain.
It has grown me into a person that I am unbelievably proud of. Even when I have weak moments, I am strong. I still continue to live and find happiness in small things when deep down, my heart always hurts for what it cannot have easily.
I have always felt unbelievably blessed with my choice of my better half, my bestest friend, my husband. As we continue to travel this journey together, the amount of love we have for each other has grown even stronger and more beautiful. How is that even possible? I am so grateful for this man in my life, who loves me as me- defective and all. He stands by me and we continue to make beautiful memories together as we figure out what this life has to offer us.
I know that the people who undoubtedly support us, while it may be few- they are everything to us. Some of the hardest moments in this journey has been when we felt alone, misunderstood, uncared for or forgotten. It is a journey that doesn't seem to end, and who wants to hear the same things over and over? Putting that thought out there, how would you like to live this over and over? Exactly, not many would choose this for themselves.
I didn't choose this, but it chose us. In the heartache, I need to find purpose for this journey. I need to find something to grasp, to make myself understand why something so painfully open and raw, would be our struggle. Why did we have to have a miscarriage? Why do I have to have endometriosis? Why didn't anything work yet? Why do I need to find thousands of dollars to have a chance at a family? Why is this our struggle? Because it is.
I have accepted our struggle. I have accepted that I cannot continue on our journey in the place I'm at and I need to make changes. I am making them. I am always moving forward with every intention to make this work, to make our future brighter and to eventually bring home our rainbow baby.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Onto the Next
April 24th 2012- The day my heart shattered into little pieces as I learned that my pregnancy was over.
Two years later, my first medicated cycle deemed a bust. What are the odds? I don't really know.
I do know, as I venture on in this emotionally draining journey, who I can count on. I know who will be there to listen to me cry, talking about things as if I'm a broken record, and love me on my darkest days. That also means, I know who will not and that's okay.
As we move onto our next cycle- I feel I need to be more quiet on this journey with certain people. I know, that in order for me to not get upset with their lack of respect for me and this process, I need to block them out. I do not need nor appreciate any negative energy.
I have a hard enough fight to win so that my husband and I can bring home our baby. I have odds against me and I feel as if I'm a ticking time bomb. Every new cycle- all I here in my head is tick tock tick tock. I hate that. I hate this.
I found myself saying to my mom and sister over the past few days, I'm tired already. We just started up again in the TTC phase, after having a long break. That break was well needed. It brought me to this place, a place where I now know what is wrong with me. Why my body has failed at creating my dream come true. Now that we have completed a failed cycle- I'm already tired? I'm sure it's a combination of fertility medications + regular lady period hormones.
I am proud to say that as quick as I fall into that deep dark place, I pick myself up. I stop crying, I stop thinking so negatively and I try to get back to my happy place. What happened over the last month is now history and time to move on.
My life is now centered around my period. It is now separated into two week intervals. The first two weeks, a combination of hating my period and hoping and praying that the medications are doing their job. The second two weeks, praying like crazy that for once my body does what it was meant to do.
I am fortunate to have the man by my side that I do- he lets me cry, tries to comfort me and also gives me my space when needed. He is my world. I am grateful for him every day, even in moments where I am at my worst- he still loves me. That is a true blessing.
Two years later, my first medicated cycle deemed a bust. What are the odds? I don't really know.
I do know, as I venture on in this emotionally draining journey, who I can count on. I know who will be there to listen to me cry, talking about things as if I'm a broken record, and love me on my darkest days. That also means, I know who will not and that's okay.
As we move onto our next cycle- I feel I need to be more quiet on this journey with certain people. I know, that in order for me to not get upset with their lack of respect for me and this process, I need to block them out. I do not need nor appreciate any negative energy.
I have a hard enough fight to win so that my husband and I can bring home our baby. I have odds against me and I feel as if I'm a ticking time bomb. Every new cycle- all I here in my head is tick tock tick tock. I hate that. I hate this.
I found myself saying to my mom and sister over the past few days, I'm tired already. We just started up again in the TTC phase, after having a long break. That break was well needed. It brought me to this place, a place where I now know what is wrong with me. Why my body has failed at creating my dream come true. Now that we have completed a failed cycle- I'm already tired? I'm sure it's a combination of fertility medications + regular lady period hormones.
I am proud to say that as quick as I fall into that deep dark place, I pick myself up. I stop crying, I stop thinking so negatively and I try to get back to my happy place. What happened over the last month is now history and time to move on.
My life is now centered around my period. It is now separated into two week intervals. The first two weeks, a combination of hating my period and hoping and praying that the medications are doing their job. The second two weeks, praying like crazy that for once my body does what it was meant to do.
I am fortunate to have the man by my side that I do- he lets me cry, tries to comfort me and also gives me my space when needed. He is my world. I am grateful for him every day, even in moments where I am at my worst- he still loves me. That is a true blessing.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Our Angel Guides Us
It's a word that you hear about- but a statistic you never think you might be part of.
It's an event in your life that changes you.
It is something that you will never forget.
It has been two years since I have seen two little pink lines. It has been two years full of tears, frustration, false hope and sadness.
As I approach the anniversary of losing our little bean, I am filled with mixed emotions. We are moving forward with our infertility treatment, and the potential promise of a child is lingering. It makes me smile sometimes. Then I think about what would have been at this point, a bouncy happy 16 month old child- and tears run down my face.
I didn't even have a chance to enjoy being pregnant for that short time. From the moment I found out, I knew something was wrong. I held onto hope, and when my fears came true- I allowed myself to grieve. I still grieve, just differently.
I won't forget the journey that we've had to travel. Ever. It has changed me, my relationships, but it has not broken me. I still dream about our what ifs, I still want to picture a house full of kids. Although it hurts that our arms are still empty, we fill each other with joy and keep our faith, that it will happen.
We are going to follow our hearts until we experience the joy of parenthood. No matter where it leads us. May I be able to find some peace in this journey, through helping others. That is what I am drawn to do.
I will rest easy, that good days will be coming. I do not know when, but our journey is already laid out and we must just follow in his footsteps.
I have hope that our angel is guiding us.
It's an event in your life that changes you.
It is something that you will never forget.
It has been two years since I have seen two little pink lines. It has been two years full of tears, frustration, false hope and sadness.
As I approach the anniversary of losing our little bean, I am filled with mixed emotions. We are moving forward with our infertility treatment, and the potential promise of a child is lingering. It makes me smile sometimes. Then I think about what would have been at this point, a bouncy happy 16 month old child- and tears run down my face.
I didn't even have a chance to enjoy being pregnant for that short time. From the moment I found out, I knew something was wrong. I held onto hope, and when my fears came true- I allowed myself to grieve. I still grieve, just differently.
I won't forget the journey that we've had to travel. Ever. It has changed me, my relationships, but it has not broken me. I still dream about our what ifs, I still want to picture a house full of kids. Although it hurts that our arms are still empty, we fill each other with joy and keep our faith, that it will happen.
We are going to follow our hearts until we experience the joy of parenthood. No matter where it leads us. May I be able to find some peace in this journey, through helping others. That is what I am drawn to do.
I will rest easy, that good days will be coming. I do not know when, but our journey is already laid out and we must just follow in his footsteps.
I have hope that our angel is guiding us.
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