I can finally say with a smile on my face, that I am at peace with where we are in our journey.
It has taken a long time to get to this place, without being a forced notion that I was trying to make myself believe.
I am embracing this time as we live each day as we like, and preparing ourselves for our future.
I am bettering myself, both physically and emotionally and my main focus is my relationship with my husband.
I love him more than I could ever put into words, and every day with him is a complete blessing.
We are trying to put ourselves back on the right path financially so we can hopefully sometime in a year, start trying for our family again. I just accepted a position for a second job in nursing, and while I am sad that my time will be limited, I am happy for the door that opened.
I am still a believer in everything happening when it is suppose to, I am trusting the process and the journey that is already written for me.
I am happy.
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Relationships & Infertility
Over the past 3+ years of riding this infertility roller coaster, my eyes have been opened a lot. I've been hurt a lot, disappointed a lot, so basically a lot has been difficult.
Infertility in itself is one of the most difficult journeys, pair that with people who just don't understand and you have yourself a big bullshit sandwich of emotions. Just like everything in life, unless you go through it you cannot comprehend it. With that being said, infertility has been one of the worst and best things to have happened to us. I know, I know best? Let me explain.
It has grown me into a person that I am unbelievably proud of. Even when I have weak moments, I am strong. I still continue to live and find happiness in small things when deep down, my heart always hurts for what it cannot have easily.
I have always felt unbelievably blessed with my choice of my better half, my bestest friend, my husband. As we continue to travel this journey together, the amount of love we have for each other has grown even stronger and more beautiful. How is that even possible? I am so grateful for this man in my life, who loves me as me- defective and all. He stands by me and we continue to make beautiful memories together as we figure out what this life has to offer us.
I know that the people who undoubtedly support us, while it may be few- they are everything to us. Some of the hardest moments in this journey has been when we felt alone, misunderstood, uncared for or forgotten. It is a journey that doesn't seem to end, and who wants to hear the same things over and over? Putting that thought out there, how would you like to live this over and over? Exactly, not many would choose this for themselves.
I didn't choose this, but it chose us. In the heartache, I need to find purpose for this journey. I need to find something to grasp, to make myself understand why something so painfully open and raw, would be our struggle. Why did we have to have a miscarriage? Why do I have to have endometriosis? Why didn't anything work yet? Why do I need to find thousands of dollars to have a chance at a family? Why is this our struggle? Because it is.
I have accepted our struggle. I have accepted that I cannot continue on our journey in the place I'm at and I need to make changes. I am making them. I am always moving forward with every intention to make this work, to make our future brighter and to eventually bring home our rainbow baby.
Infertility in itself is one of the most difficult journeys, pair that with people who just don't understand and you have yourself a big bullshit sandwich of emotions. Just like everything in life, unless you go through it you cannot comprehend it. With that being said, infertility has been one of the worst and best things to have happened to us. I know, I know best? Let me explain.
It has grown me into a person that I am unbelievably proud of. Even when I have weak moments, I am strong. I still continue to live and find happiness in small things when deep down, my heart always hurts for what it cannot have easily.
I have always felt unbelievably blessed with my choice of my better half, my bestest friend, my husband. As we continue to travel this journey together, the amount of love we have for each other has grown even stronger and more beautiful. How is that even possible? I am so grateful for this man in my life, who loves me as me- defective and all. He stands by me and we continue to make beautiful memories together as we figure out what this life has to offer us.
I know that the people who undoubtedly support us, while it may be few- they are everything to us. Some of the hardest moments in this journey has been when we felt alone, misunderstood, uncared for or forgotten. It is a journey that doesn't seem to end, and who wants to hear the same things over and over? Putting that thought out there, how would you like to live this over and over? Exactly, not many would choose this for themselves.
I didn't choose this, but it chose us. In the heartache, I need to find purpose for this journey. I need to find something to grasp, to make myself understand why something so painfully open and raw, would be our struggle. Why did we have to have a miscarriage? Why do I have to have endometriosis? Why didn't anything work yet? Why do I need to find thousands of dollars to have a chance at a family? Why is this our struggle? Because it is.
I have accepted our struggle. I have accepted that I cannot continue on our journey in the place I'm at and I need to make changes. I am making them. I am always moving forward with every intention to make this work, to make our future brighter and to eventually bring home our rainbow baby.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Taking A Break
There comes a time in every journey, when one must step back and evaluate the whys, whats, wheres, wants, etc etc.
No journey is ever the same, and your own changes daily. The only people that can make the decision to stop their journey for a while, is you. We have come to a time where we need to take a break and focus on something else, besides making a baby.
My endometriosis is in full force because of all the medications we have been injecting this body with. Our bank account is not where it needs to be, but there is something else that has made me need to stop.
The stress and emotional toll this journey of infertility places on a husband and wife team, is immense. I always vowed that I would NOT let it get in the way of the love I have for my husband. A few weeks back, for the first time in 10 years, we had lots of miscommunication, confusion, frustration- and that's when I knew we needed to reevaluate.
Our current treatment for the past 6 months has not worked. It has caused a lot of self doubt and sadness. It has also pushed me to believe more that IVF is our future. I asked my husband the other night if that's what he wanted to do, or if he wanted to adopt. At this time, we want to put all our energy into making the funds to have a chance at a biological child. Who knows where this will lead us, but until that goal is obtained, we will focus on each other, our health and the love that we share.
As I lay on the bed in the fertility clinic, waiting for our last IUI a few weeks ago, I cried. I didn't want to do this anymore. I cried to my husband that I couldn't do this anymore. He understood and he agreed. We are focusing on our lives and hoping that our future is full of beautiful bright adventures.
Will we stop trying to have a family, absolutely not. It's just a little vacation from the journey. A journey that while it is hard, I would travel a million times to get to my miracle.
No journey is ever the same, and your own changes daily. The only people that can make the decision to stop their journey for a while, is you. We have come to a time where we need to take a break and focus on something else, besides making a baby.
My endometriosis is in full force because of all the medications we have been injecting this body with. Our bank account is not where it needs to be, but there is something else that has made me need to stop.
The stress and emotional toll this journey of infertility places on a husband and wife team, is immense. I always vowed that I would NOT let it get in the way of the love I have for my husband. A few weeks back, for the first time in 10 years, we had lots of miscommunication, confusion, frustration- and that's when I knew we needed to reevaluate.
Our current treatment for the past 6 months has not worked. It has caused a lot of self doubt and sadness. It has also pushed me to believe more that IVF is our future. I asked my husband the other night if that's what he wanted to do, or if he wanted to adopt. At this time, we want to put all our energy into making the funds to have a chance at a biological child. Who knows where this will lead us, but until that goal is obtained, we will focus on each other, our health and the love that we share.
As I lay on the bed in the fertility clinic, waiting for our last IUI a few weeks ago, I cried. I didn't want to do this anymore. I cried to my husband that I couldn't do this anymore. He understood and he agreed. We are focusing on our lives and hoping that our future is full of beautiful bright adventures.
Will we stop trying to have a family, absolutely not. It's just a little vacation from the journey. A journey that while it is hard, I would travel a million times to get to my miracle.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Is IVF our answer? Who knows
I thought our journey would take a little longer before heading on to the big IVF, but in assuming and hoping for the best, I was wrong.
Before we started injectable medications, my doctor told us we would have three attempts and if that didn't work, then we would be discussing our further option of IVF. Well, due to my severity of endo and my husbands role in our reproductive journey, our doctor thought IVF would bypass both of our issues.
Which means that after this IUI, we will be on a TTC vacation for a while. I need to lose more weight while we try to sell our kidneys to afford this treatment.
I am sad, and I do feel slightly defeated. I will not stop though. One day I will be a mother, and my husband will be a father, it's just taking us the long route. It hurts my heart to know that we can't do it the old fashioned way, but I'm also happy that I live in a time where these medical technologies exist so we can hopefully (fingers crossed) have a chance at making a biological baby in this damn uterus of mine.
Before we started injectable medications, my doctor told us we would have three attempts and if that didn't work, then we would be discussing our further option of IVF. Well, due to my severity of endo and my husbands role in our reproductive journey, our doctor thought IVF would bypass both of our issues.
Which means that after this IUI, we will be on a TTC vacation for a while. I need to lose more weight while we try to sell our kidneys to afford this treatment.
I am sad, and I do feel slightly defeated. I will not stop though. One day I will be a mother, and my husband will be a father, it's just taking us the long route. It hurts my heart to know that we can't do it the old fashioned way, but I'm also happy that I live in a time where these medical technologies exist so we can hopefully (fingers crossed) have a chance at making a biological baby in this damn uterus of mine.
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