Peace

I can finally say with a smile on my face, that I am at peace with where we are in our journey.

It has taken a long time to get to this place, without being a forced notion that I was trying to make myself believe.

I am embracing this time as we live each day as we like, and preparing ourselves for our future.

I am bettering myself, both physically and emotionally and my main focus is my relationship with my husband.

I love him more than I could ever put into words, and every day with him is a complete blessing.

We are trying to put ourselves back on the right path financially so we can hopefully sometime in a year, start trying for our family again. I just accepted a position for a second job in nursing, and while I am sad that my time will be limited, I am happy for the door that opened.

I am still a believer in everything happening when it is suppose to, I am trusting the process and the journey that is already written for me.

I am happy.

Faith

After every failed cycle, every prayer, and every tear you shed- you have days where you think you can't go on. You don't think you can go through another month, more medications, more procedures and end up with the same thing you started off with, no pregnancy.

Then you have the days that truly matter. The days when you are not blinded by your sadness and emotions, where you know you will continue on until your dream of motherhood comes to life. These are the days I live for. The days where in my heart I know I deserve to have children. I just don't know when or how it will happen. That is what scares me the most though, the unknown. Whether it be the amount of time it takes, or the miracle combination of science and faith in a higher being. What is my journey that is already written for me?

I believe that I am on the path I'm suppose to be on, to get to the place I desire most. That doesn't mean I don't question why this is my struggle. I know that we all have them, and the only thing we can do through any of it, is live day by day and hope for a bright future. He does not give more to us than we can handle and I am trying to be strong through this.

For now, I will put my trust in someone I can't see, but hope has the best intentions for this life.

Thoughts on Day 21

We finally had our real first round of treatment this cycle. I took 50 mg of clomid days 3-7, had blood work and ultrasound on day 10 which showed three follicles on the right ovary. I had to go for blood work every day for the next 4 days to allow us to see my LH surge. Last month when we weren't able to do our IUI, it was because I never got a + on the smiley face opk. We had missed our window.

On day 13, I finally got the surge we were looking for so we went in for our IUI Wednesday morning. I wore my lucky socks, put on all my lucky jewelry and brought my lucky stone that has "Believe" engraved on it.

The DH's sample was good- I still had 3 follicles that had been growing on the right side, the largest was at a nice 28mm! We decided to name it Faith for good luck. Then we had our first IUI :-) That was cycle day 14.

On cycle day 15, I still hadn't ovulated- which is typically abnormal for me so I got all upset thinking that my large and in charge follicle was actually a cyst. But, later that night I had a lot of pain in my right lower back that went down my leg. The next morning I finally had a temperature spike. I had ovulated!

Today is day 21. I had asked to go in for blood work to see if the clomid has made a difference in my progesterone levels. The doctor has diagnosed me, on top of the lovely stage 4 endometriosis with luteal phase deficiency. The only progesterone level that I have seen was 1 1/2 years ago and was 8.2. I am praying that I receive a phone call with good numbers. But if for some chance I do not, the reason I asked for the blood work was to allow us all (me and my infertility team) to have more information about the plan going into our second IUI- if that is what is meant to happen.

My thoughts on this entire cycle are both positive and at the same time I feel indifferent. I would love to sit here and be a joyous, very positive Melissa but my past experience with loss and monthly heartache leaves me guarded. I so want this to work for us, I am so ready for my little miracle. Realistically, it's going to happen when it's meant to and not a day sooner.

At this time I sometimes feel robbed of the excitement others get to feel when they miss a period and get pregnant by accident. The sheer joy of having it work when you finally plan to start a family, leaves me wondering why not us? I still have issues feeling jealous of all those women out there who just don't understand the difficulty and heartache of infertility and loss. I try really hard not to feel this way and I most certainly do not wish this on anyone, ever. I am human and sometimes I can't help how I feel. I know that I have become a different person with this struggle, and I hope someday it all makes sense.

I'm trying to keep busy today, but as the time ticks away and my phone call is mere hours away, I am getting nervous. I have to remind myself that what will be, will be. I can't change the number right now. I can just pray that it helps in some way to allow me to become a mother one day.

Infertility is.....

Infertility is.....

A struggle that while in my teenage years I always feared, but never thought I'd actually have.

A topic that up until the past few months, I've shied away from talking about. 

A journey that while I didn't expect it, I've embraced all the possibilities it has opened to me.

It's ironic how as you struggle through the ups and downs in life, that something that is so open and raw most of the time, can allow you to be a better person instead of resorting to being jealous and bitter. 

It has taken some time to get through that phase in this journey, the phase where pregnant woman, new babies, baby clothes and anything baby related can trigger a hatred like no other. It has taken a lot of deep breathes, quiet moments, and crying in the bathroom to get to where I am now. 

I can smile at a pregnant belly. While I yearn to be that person, in my heart I feel I will get there when I am meant to, not a day sooner.

I can dream about things I will do with my future kids, like running around to get them to their activities and Saturday outings as a family. 

I can talk to my favorite people in my life who have the most beautiful children, and I can really love their children with my whole heart instead of feeling bad that I am the only one childless.

There are so many wonderful things I can feel and experience while going through this battle called infertility. I feel I am up to the challenge. Not every moment is my "best" moment, but I move forward with an attitude that I am proud of. 

I am proud of my struggle. I am proud of the strength I can show and I am happy that I am making those important steps to get closer to what I desire. 

When I look back on these moments leading up to my first child, I will be able to smile knowing I was given the tools to overcome infertility. 

Infertility is a part of my life and I am a part of it. It does not change who I am, but strengthens the individual I am meant to be for my future children. 

The Good, The Bad

I always let time pass without writing anything down. I have so many different emotions towards this journey, I would think I'd want to get them out. Instead, I keep them inside until I have to have a moment and cry by myself. Then I move on.

Since the last time I wrote, some things have definitely changed. One thing that hasn't. I'm still infertile and NOT pregnant. But, that's okay.

I've made major steps forward in this journey and have found some answers to questions I've asked multiple times. In february I went ahead with laparoscopic surgery after finding out that I had a uterine septum and polyps. I started to question whether or not I had endometriosis due to certain symptoms, primarily random spotting and continuous back pain. My suspicions were confirmed and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis.

That was a little blow coming out of my medically induced slumber after surgery. I won't lie and say I didn't shed a tear or two, but then I moved on. I healed, I looked for information and I went to my post-op appointment ready to conquer this battle.

My RE seems very optimistic towards our options because I can in fact get pregnant. I've been pregnant before. We are both hoping with a little help from Clomid and IUI that we can stimulate those follicles to grow some strong eggs and have the best sperm meet for a little date.

Like everything else in life, we all have a habit of visiting the well known google. I've seen many articles saying that using Clomid with Stage 4 Endometriosis, doesn't really increase your odds of conception. I am going to ignore that. I want to remain as positive as I can, and just hope that when it's our time, with the right combination- it'll happen.

There is nothing more that I can do besides that, and make myself as healthy as possible for that precious moment. I have been doing great with my new way of eating. I have lost 38 lbs and I'm still planning on going strong. All my blood work has shown improvement and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

I am going to kick infertility's ass one way or another!!!!!

Where We Are Now

Sometimes it feels like this isn't my life. This isn't our struggle. But it is.

Every month I am met with the same awful period reminding me how I can't get pregnant but letting me know it still exists. I finally had enough. Enough waiting, wondering and thinking that I've done something wrong.

I finally went to my first RE appointment. Another reminder that I live the life of infertile. An infertile who ovulates every month, has a regular cycle and for some reason won't get pregnant.

I've spent so many hours crying and feeling sad for myself, I just don't want that anymore.

I want to feel joyous even in our struggle. I want to be happy. I want to look back and smile at all the wonderful things around me.

So I changed the way I think. In order to live a life of happiness even in the darkest moments, we must be positive. While I still get anxious, still have moments of sadness, I don't let it define me. I don't let it steal my thunder. I move on.

I'm taking control of this struggle.

I am so happy I have finally made the steps I need to, to get to our little miracle. I don't know how it will happen or what measures we will have to take. I am ready.

At the same time, I am also ready to take control of myself and my weight. I have joined a weight loss program that I am so excited to be a part of. I want to be healthy, for me, the people I love and our future children. This is my time to make it all happen. No more living vicariously through others, this is my time now.

You Make Me Stronger

With every struggle comes many emotions. We can all figure out that sadness is probably the emotion you feel the most. I have definitely felt it a lot in the past year and at times I have let myself sink into my own little hole, because I needed to. I needed to feel the sadness that I am allowed to feel. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to sometimes feel an emptiness within my core. We are all allowed to feel however we want to feel, when we want to feel it.

Then when that sadness dissipates, what are you left with? For me, it's the fight in me to achieve the things I want in this life. My struggles, while some days bring me down, they also pick me back up because I won't let them define my story. I won't let what I don't have today, set my mood for my future. I want to be happy.

I want to be happy for myself, my husband, our fur-babies and for our future children. I want to live a life I am proud of, that I can look back on in 30 years and smile. This isn't a journey that always brings a smile to my face, but it is our journey. It is the journey we had to take to start our family. It may not seem that our time is drawing closer, but we don't know that. We don't know when our blessing will happen, but the struggle and all the emotions that have come with it, they have made me stronger. They have made my relationship with my husband stronger.

I couldn't do this without him. I wouldn't want to do this without him. He is one of the very few things that puts a smile on my face when I'm feeling at my worst. When I'm cursing out my lady bits and malfunctioning, he knows how to make it better. I was blessed with him in my life and I am forever grateful.

So while we go through the tests in the next few weeks, I am not going to focus on the results, because who knows what any of it will show. I will just trust that this is where our journey is taking us, and one step at a time we will be closer to what our hearts want most.

Positive Thoughts

What keeps you going when after every month you give it your best shot,  you still come out with nothing?

Is it your ever believing faith that it will eventually happen? Is it the motivation that everyone else around you is getting what you want? Is it the look on your husband's face when he says he can't wait to be a father?

WHAT IS IT?!?

For me it's all of the above and then some. I can't really put into words what keeps me positive and grounded. I have my moments where I just cry. I cry for what could of been and what still isn't. I cry out of frustration and I cry out of jealousy. 

Then I smile. I smile as I picture holding my child for the first time. I smile as I see my husband staring up at me after giving birth. Our first kiss together as parents. I smile as I picture my toddler running around my living room, and I smile when I think of our family drives with our children in car seats. 

So in my pain, there still is a lot of smiling. I have enough faith to get me to the next day, moment, period in my life where I will have what I long for most. To love someone so unconditionally that you would give anything to make them happy, healthy and to feel loved. 

I pray every day. Not a moment goes by where I don't think about being pregnant, having a child, being something more than just what I am now. 

I know my time will come, one way or another. I'm trying to embrace what I have in life now. Every day is a gift.  I want to enjoy all my gifts, whether i'm in the place I thought I would be or not. I have a wonderful partner in life and together we will accomplish our dreams.

Dreamin'

I've found myself waking up remembering very vivid dreams where I've given birth, a few times. I have been day dreaming about what I would name my future children. I remember these dreams even a week later, and it puts a smile on my face. I am healing.

I am healing from the months before where all I did was think negatively towards myself, my body, my reproductive system. Whenever a pregnancy or baby was introduced to this world, I use to cringe and immediately cry. It felt awful. I wanted to punch people in the face and I would curse at myself for being defective.

I am slowly recognizing that I'm not doing that anymore. I'm using positive energy to guide my journey. I want to heal my body and my mind from the miscarriage last April, and I know that I am getting there. I will never forget this past year. The heartache, the anger and the disappointment will always stay with me. Although it will never go away, the memory is becoming more distant and I am learning to be happy again. Happy for all the things I have in the life, all my blessings. I am learning to love myself as I am, and to make changes so I can love myself more.

Every day when I take a shower, I take a minute to be positive and uplifting. I recite this three times over.

"I will have a healthy body, I will have a healthy pregnancy and I will have a healthy baby"

At first I said it to make myself believe it but as the days go by, I am truly starting to believe it. I am working very diligently to make my body healthier, eating a fertility friendly diet- lots of vegetables and fruits. I am making good choices in my foods, and I'm proud to say I've finally lost the weight I gained after having the miscarriage. I am continuing my fertility journey, taking natural herbs to bring my body back into balance, but what I am doing that I know will pay off, is I am being patient.

Great things do come to those who wait and I know that whatever is planned for me, will come. Not every day is rainbows or sunshine, but most days I can picture my growing family. I welcome the image until it can be my reality.