I can finally say with a smile on my face, that I am at peace with where we are in our journey.
It has taken a long time to get to this place, without being a forced notion that I was trying to make myself believe.
I am embracing this time as we live each day as we like, and preparing ourselves for our future.
I am bettering myself, both physically and emotionally and my main focus is my relationship with my husband.
I love him more than I could ever put into words, and every day with him is a complete blessing.
We are trying to put ourselves back on the right path financially so we can hopefully sometime in a year, start trying for our family again. I just accepted a position for a second job in nursing, and while I am sad that my time will be limited, I am happy for the door that opened.
I am still a believer in everything happening when it is suppose to, I am trusting the process and the journey that is already written for me.
I am happy.
Showing posts with label about me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label about me. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Taking A Break
There comes a time in every journey, when one must step back and evaluate the whys, whats, wheres, wants, etc etc.
No journey is ever the same, and your own changes daily. The only people that can make the decision to stop their journey for a while, is you. We have come to a time where we need to take a break and focus on something else, besides making a baby.
My endometriosis is in full force because of all the medications we have been injecting this body with. Our bank account is not where it needs to be, but there is something else that has made me need to stop.
The stress and emotional toll this journey of infertility places on a husband and wife team, is immense. I always vowed that I would NOT let it get in the way of the love I have for my husband. A few weeks back, for the first time in 10 years, we had lots of miscommunication, confusion, frustration- and that's when I knew we needed to reevaluate.
Our current treatment for the past 6 months has not worked. It has caused a lot of self doubt and sadness. It has also pushed me to believe more that IVF is our future. I asked my husband the other night if that's what he wanted to do, or if he wanted to adopt. At this time, we want to put all our energy into making the funds to have a chance at a biological child. Who knows where this will lead us, but until that goal is obtained, we will focus on each other, our health and the love that we share.
As I lay on the bed in the fertility clinic, waiting for our last IUI a few weeks ago, I cried. I didn't want to do this anymore. I cried to my husband that I couldn't do this anymore. He understood and he agreed. We are focusing on our lives and hoping that our future is full of beautiful bright adventures.
Will we stop trying to have a family, absolutely not. It's just a little vacation from the journey. A journey that while it is hard, I would travel a million times to get to my miracle.
No journey is ever the same, and your own changes daily. The only people that can make the decision to stop their journey for a while, is you. We have come to a time where we need to take a break and focus on something else, besides making a baby.
My endometriosis is in full force because of all the medications we have been injecting this body with. Our bank account is not where it needs to be, but there is something else that has made me need to stop.
The stress and emotional toll this journey of infertility places on a husband and wife team, is immense. I always vowed that I would NOT let it get in the way of the love I have for my husband. A few weeks back, for the first time in 10 years, we had lots of miscommunication, confusion, frustration- and that's when I knew we needed to reevaluate.
Our current treatment for the past 6 months has not worked. It has caused a lot of self doubt and sadness. It has also pushed me to believe more that IVF is our future. I asked my husband the other night if that's what he wanted to do, or if he wanted to adopt. At this time, we want to put all our energy into making the funds to have a chance at a biological child. Who knows where this will lead us, but until that goal is obtained, we will focus on each other, our health and the love that we share.
As I lay on the bed in the fertility clinic, waiting for our last IUI a few weeks ago, I cried. I didn't want to do this anymore. I cried to my husband that I couldn't do this anymore. He understood and he agreed. We are focusing on our lives and hoping that our future is full of beautiful bright adventures.
Will we stop trying to have a family, absolutely not. It's just a little vacation from the journey. A journey that while it is hard, I would travel a million times to get to my miracle.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
It's Never Easy
I've been going to my RE for seven months. Within those seven months, I've had some gains and some losses.
I obviously learned what our main cause for infertility is, the evil monster called endometriosis.
I have struggled with this diagnosis because now I know what all my pain is. Now when I feel the back stabs and the pelvic pain, it's just a reminder that my endometriosis is here to stay and coming back all the damn time. I am not the fortunate case that it doesn't grow back because mine does.
So I consider finding out what really is wrong a gain, but I definitely am having a hard time not thinking that it is a big loss in my infertility battle.
That doesn't mean I don't intend to fight hard against it to grow our family, but it is just that- HARD.
We have done 4 medicated cycles so far, three with clomid and one with injectibles. Here I sit at the end of my two week wait and I feel defeated.
I know that we haven't done a lot of cycles, but for some reason I just don't feel like IUIs are our answer. I don't know why and I wish I could feel differently.
This last IUI, they found that something might be wrong with my left tube. It was open and patent last year during my HSG. It was open this february when I had my LAP done so it just really threw me through a loop when they said it looks dilated.
I've spent the past week mourning my left tube when it reality, I don't know if anything is wrong with it. I have to wait until the cycle is over to have another HSG- and while I don't want to waste time- I am looking forward to not having to go back and forth to the RE next month. Maybe I can pretend this isn't my life or our struggle. Nope, that's not going to happen.
Whatever happens over the course of the next few months, I just have to go with it. It doesn't get easier though. I am trying to be at peace with the knowing that we are not going to have a child anytime soon. Trying to focus on the other things that need to be done in our lives. I need to focus on being a healthier person for whenever it is my time to carry a child. I just hope that it is possible one day.
I obviously learned what our main cause for infertility is, the evil monster called endometriosis.
I have struggled with this diagnosis because now I know what all my pain is. Now when I feel the back stabs and the pelvic pain, it's just a reminder that my endometriosis is here to stay and coming back all the damn time. I am not the fortunate case that it doesn't grow back because mine does.
So I consider finding out what really is wrong a gain, but I definitely am having a hard time not thinking that it is a big loss in my infertility battle.
That doesn't mean I don't intend to fight hard against it to grow our family, but it is just that- HARD.
We have done 4 medicated cycles so far, three with clomid and one with injectibles. Here I sit at the end of my two week wait and I feel defeated.
I know that we haven't done a lot of cycles, but for some reason I just don't feel like IUIs are our answer. I don't know why and I wish I could feel differently.
This last IUI, they found that something might be wrong with my left tube. It was open and patent last year during my HSG. It was open this february when I had my LAP done so it just really threw me through a loop when they said it looks dilated.
I've spent the past week mourning my left tube when it reality, I don't know if anything is wrong with it. I have to wait until the cycle is over to have another HSG- and while I don't want to waste time- I am looking forward to not having to go back and forth to the RE next month. Maybe I can pretend this isn't my life or our struggle. Nope, that's not going to happen.
Whatever happens over the course of the next few months, I just have to go with it. It doesn't get easier though. I am trying to be at peace with the knowing that we are not going to have a child anytime soon. Trying to focus on the other things that need to be done in our lives. I need to focus on being a healthier person for whenever it is my time to carry a child. I just hope that it is possible one day.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Faith
After every failed cycle, every prayer, and every tear you shed- you have days where you think you can't go on. You don't think you can go through another month, more medications, more procedures and end up with the same thing you started off with, no pregnancy.
Then you have the days that truly matter. The days when you are not blinded by your sadness and emotions, where you know you will continue on until your dream of motherhood comes to life. These are the days I live for. The days where in my heart I know I deserve to have children. I just don't know when or how it will happen. That is what scares me the most though, the unknown. Whether it be the amount of time it takes, or the miracle combination of science and faith in a higher being. What is my journey that is already written for me?
I believe that I am on the path I'm suppose to be on, to get to the place I desire most. That doesn't mean I don't question why this is my struggle. I know that we all have them, and the only thing we can do through any of it, is live day by day and hope for a bright future. He does not give more to us than we can handle and I am trying to be strong through this.
For now, I will put my trust in someone I can't see, but hope has the best intentions for this life.
Then you have the days that truly matter. The days when you are not blinded by your sadness and emotions, where you know you will continue on until your dream of motherhood comes to life. These are the days I live for. The days where in my heart I know I deserve to have children. I just don't know when or how it will happen. That is what scares me the most though, the unknown. Whether it be the amount of time it takes, or the miracle combination of science and faith in a higher being. What is my journey that is already written for me?
I believe that I am on the path I'm suppose to be on, to get to the place I desire most. That doesn't mean I don't question why this is my struggle. I know that we all have them, and the only thing we can do through any of it, is live day by day and hope for a bright future. He does not give more to us than we can handle and I am trying to be strong through this.
For now, I will put my trust in someone I can't see, but hope has the best intentions for this life.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Onto the Next
April 24th 2012- The day my heart shattered into little pieces as I learned that my pregnancy was over.
Two years later, my first medicated cycle deemed a bust. What are the odds? I don't really know.
I do know, as I venture on in this emotionally draining journey, who I can count on. I know who will be there to listen to me cry, talking about things as if I'm a broken record, and love me on my darkest days. That also means, I know who will not and that's okay.
As we move onto our next cycle- I feel I need to be more quiet on this journey with certain people. I know, that in order for me to not get upset with their lack of respect for me and this process, I need to block them out. I do not need nor appreciate any negative energy.
I have a hard enough fight to win so that my husband and I can bring home our baby. I have odds against me and I feel as if I'm a ticking time bomb. Every new cycle- all I here in my head is tick tock tick tock. I hate that. I hate this.
I found myself saying to my mom and sister over the past few days, I'm tired already. We just started up again in the TTC phase, after having a long break. That break was well needed. It brought me to this place, a place where I now know what is wrong with me. Why my body has failed at creating my dream come true. Now that we have completed a failed cycle- I'm already tired? I'm sure it's a combination of fertility medications + regular lady period hormones.
I am proud to say that as quick as I fall into that deep dark place, I pick myself up. I stop crying, I stop thinking so negatively and I try to get back to my happy place. What happened over the last month is now history and time to move on.
My life is now centered around my period. It is now separated into two week intervals. The first two weeks, a combination of hating my period and hoping and praying that the medications are doing their job. The second two weeks, praying like crazy that for once my body does what it was meant to do.
I am fortunate to have the man by my side that I do- he lets me cry, tries to comfort me and also gives me my space when needed. He is my world. I am grateful for him every day, even in moments where I am at my worst- he still loves me. That is a true blessing.
Two years later, my first medicated cycle deemed a bust. What are the odds? I don't really know.
I do know, as I venture on in this emotionally draining journey, who I can count on. I know who will be there to listen to me cry, talking about things as if I'm a broken record, and love me on my darkest days. That also means, I know who will not and that's okay.
As we move onto our next cycle- I feel I need to be more quiet on this journey with certain people. I know, that in order for me to not get upset with their lack of respect for me and this process, I need to block them out. I do not need nor appreciate any negative energy.
I have a hard enough fight to win so that my husband and I can bring home our baby. I have odds against me and I feel as if I'm a ticking time bomb. Every new cycle- all I here in my head is tick tock tick tock. I hate that. I hate this.
I found myself saying to my mom and sister over the past few days, I'm tired already. We just started up again in the TTC phase, after having a long break. That break was well needed. It brought me to this place, a place where I now know what is wrong with me. Why my body has failed at creating my dream come true. Now that we have completed a failed cycle- I'm already tired? I'm sure it's a combination of fertility medications + regular lady period hormones.
I am proud to say that as quick as I fall into that deep dark place, I pick myself up. I stop crying, I stop thinking so negatively and I try to get back to my happy place. What happened over the last month is now history and time to move on.
My life is now centered around my period. It is now separated into two week intervals. The first two weeks, a combination of hating my period and hoping and praying that the medications are doing their job. The second two weeks, praying like crazy that for once my body does what it was meant to do.
I am fortunate to have the man by my side that I do- he lets me cry, tries to comfort me and also gives me my space when needed. He is my world. I am grateful for him every day, even in moments where I am at my worst- he still loves me. That is a true blessing.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
The Good, The Bad
I always let time pass without writing anything down. I have so many different emotions towards this journey, I would think I'd want to get them out. Instead, I keep them inside until I have to have a moment and cry by myself. Then I move on.
Since the last time I wrote, some things have definitely changed. One thing that hasn't. I'm still infertile and NOT pregnant. But, that's okay.
I've made major steps forward in this journey and have found some answers to questions I've asked multiple times. In february I went ahead with laparoscopic surgery after finding out that I had a uterine septum and polyps. I started to question whether or not I had endometriosis due to certain symptoms, primarily random spotting and continuous back pain. My suspicions were confirmed and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis.
That was a little blow coming out of my medically induced slumber after surgery. I won't lie and say I didn't shed a tear or two, but then I moved on. I healed, I looked for information and I went to my post-op appointment ready to conquer this battle.
My RE seems very optimistic towards our options because I can in fact get pregnant. I've been pregnant before. We are both hoping with a little help from Clomid and IUI that we can stimulate those follicles to grow some strong eggs and have the best sperm meet for a little date.
Like everything else in life, we all have a habit of visiting the well known google. I've seen many articles saying that using Clomid with Stage 4 Endometriosis, doesn't really increase your odds of conception. I am going to ignore that. I want to remain as positive as I can, and just hope that when it's our time, with the right combination- it'll happen.
There is nothing more that I can do besides that, and make myself as healthy as possible for that precious moment. I have been doing great with my new way of eating. I have lost 38 lbs and I'm still planning on going strong. All my blood work has shown improvement and I couldn't be more proud of myself.
I am going to kick infertility's ass one way or another!!!!!
Since the last time I wrote, some things have definitely changed. One thing that hasn't. I'm still infertile and NOT pregnant. But, that's okay.
I've made major steps forward in this journey and have found some answers to questions I've asked multiple times. In february I went ahead with laparoscopic surgery after finding out that I had a uterine septum and polyps. I started to question whether or not I had endometriosis due to certain symptoms, primarily random spotting and continuous back pain. My suspicions were confirmed and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis.
That was a little blow coming out of my medically induced slumber after surgery. I won't lie and say I didn't shed a tear or two, but then I moved on. I healed, I looked for information and I went to my post-op appointment ready to conquer this battle.
My RE seems very optimistic towards our options because I can in fact get pregnant. I've been pregnant before. We are both hoping with a little help from Clomid and IUI that we can stimulate those follicles to grow some strong eggs and have the best sperm meet for a little date.
Like everything else in life, we all have a habit of visiting the well known google. I've seen many articles saying that using Clomid with Stage 4 Endometriosis, doesn't really increase your odds of conception. I am going to ignore that. I want to remain as positive as I can, and just hope that when it's our time, with the right combination- it'll happen.
There is nothing more that I can do besides that, and make myself as healthy as possible for that precious moment. I have been doing great with my new way of eating. I have lost 38 lbs and I'm still planning on going strong. All my blood work has shown improvement and I couldn't be more proud of myself.
I am going to kick infertility's ass one way or another!!!!!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Where We Are Now
Sometimes it feels like this isn't my life. This isn't our struggle. But it is.
Every month I am met with the same awful period reminding me how I can't get pregnant but letting me know it still exists. I finally had enough. Enough waiting, wondering and thinking that I've done something wrong.
I finally went to my first RE appointment. Another reminder that I live the life of infertile. An infertile who ovulates every month, has a regular cycle and for some reason won't get pregnant.
I've spent so many hours crying and feeling sad for myself, I just don't want that anymore.
I want to feel joyous even in our struggle. I want to be happy. I want to look back and smile at all the wonderful things around me.
So I changed the way I think. In order to live a life of happiness even in the darkest moments, we must be positive. While I still get anxious, still have moments of sadness, I don't let it define me. I don't let it steal my thunder. I move on.
I'm taking control of this struggle.
I am so happy I have finally made the steps I need to, to get to our little miracle. I don't know how it will happen or what measures we will have to take. I am ready.
At the same time, I am also ready to take control of myself and my weight. I have joined a weight loss program that I am so excited to be a part of. I want to be healthy, for me, the people I love and our future children. This is my time to make it all happen. No more living vicariously through others, this is my time now.
Every month I am met with the same awful period reminding me how I can't get pregnant but letting me know it still exists. I finally had enough. Enough waiting, wondering and thinking that I've done something wrong.
I finally went to my first RE appointment. Another reminder that I live the life of infertile. An infertile who ovulates every month, has a regular cycle and for some reason won't get pregnant.
I've spent so many hours crying and feeling sad for myself, I just don't want that anymore.
I want to feel joyous even in our struggle. I want to be happy. I want to look back and smile at all the wonderful things around me.
So I changed the way I think. In order to live a life of happiness even in the darkest moments, we must be positive. While I still get anxious, still have moments of sadness, I don't let it define me. I don't let it steal my thunder. I move on.
I'm taking control of this struggle.
I am so happy I have finally made the steps I need to, to get to our little miracle. I don't know how it will happen or what measures we will have to take. I am ready.
At the same time, I am also ready to take control of myself and my weight. I have joined a weight loss program that I am so excited to be a part of. I want to be healthy, for me, the people I love and our future children. This is my time to make it all happen. No more living vicariously through others, this is my time now.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Pass the Facebook
If there is anything that can make a smile on your face turn into a frown, stalking facebook is definitely up there on the top ten.
Every day you log on to see pictures from your family or friends, you are met with a new ultrasound picture of a newly expecting mother. *insert cry face here*
It's not that I want to feel bad when I see these little miracles, it just breaks my heart that it's not me. That I am part of a statistic that has a hard time getting pregnant. It hurts. A lot. I know there are a lot of woman/couples out there that are like us. I know that they have made miracles themselves, it's just taking longer. I know my feelings are normal.
That doesn't make these feelings any less heart breaking on any of us. Because it does suck when you are going through it. It does feel hopeless at times, but we all have to do what we can to get what we want. A child of our own.
I'm not going to stop trying. I'm not going to stop praying. I will however say goodbye to facebook for a little while. The less I see, the better I feel! Who's with me?!?
Every day you log on to see pictures from your family or friends, you are met with a new ultrasound picture of a newly expecting mother. *insert cry face here*
It's not that I want to feel bad when I see these little miracles, it just breaks my heart that it's not me. That I am part of a statistic that has a hard time getting pregnant. It hurts. A lot. I know there are a lot of woman/couples out there that are like us. I know that they have made miracles themselves, it's just taking longer. I know my feelings are normal.
That doesn't make these feelings any less heart breaking on any of us. Because it does suck when you are going through it. It does feel hopeless at times, but we all have to do what we can to get what we want. A child of our own.
I'm not going to stop trying. I'm not going to stop praying. I will however say goodbye to facebook for a little while. The less I see, the better I feel! Who's with me?!?
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Positive Thoughts
What keeps you going when after every month you give it your best shot, you still come out with nothing?
Is it your ever believing faith that it will eventually happen? Is it the motivation that everyone else around you is getting what you want? Is it the look on your husband's face when he says he can't wait to be a father?
WHAT IS IT?!?
For me it's all of the above and then some. I can't really put into words what keeps me positive and grounded. I have my moments where I just cry. I cry for what could of been and what still isn't. I cry out of frustration and I cry out of jealousy.
Then I smile. I smile as I picture holding my child for the first time. I smile as I see my husband staring up at me after giving birth. Our first kiss together as parents. I smile as I picture my toddler running around my living room, and I smile when I think of our family drives with our children in car seats.
So in my pain, there still is a lot of smiling. I have enough faith to get me to the next day, moment, period in my life where I will have what I long for most. To love someone so unconditionally that you would give anything to make them happy, healthy and to feel loved.
I pray every day. Not a moment goes by where I don't think about being pregnant, having a child, being something more than just what I am now.
I know my time will come, one way or another. I'm trying to embrace what I have in life now. Every day is a gift. I want to enjoy all my gifts, whether i'm in the place I thought I would be or not. I have a wonderful partner in life and together we will accomplish our dreams.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
A New Direction
I started this blog to help motivate me to lose weight and get healthy, but thats not what I want to write about. It may be a part of what I want to write about, but what I feel most strongly about at this time in my life- is our journey to start a family.
I want a place where I can place my thoughts about our struggles without feeling like Im burdening those around me. This is my journey, and some days I don't feel so wonderful about it. Some days I have thoughts I'm not proud of, but I work through them.
This is my story to our little miracle, because that is what conception is....truly a miracle. There is nothing more I want than to make a child for my husband and for me. We've had some disappointments and I hope through writing, I can express my feelings so I can stay positive and focused.
This is our start to... Just believe.
I want a place where I can place my thoughts about our struggles without feeling like Im burdening those around me. This is my journey, and some days I don't feel so wonderful about it. Some days I have thoughts I'm not proud of, but I work through them.
This is my story to our little miracle, because that is what conception is....truly a miracle. There is nothing more I want than to make a child for my husband and for me. We've had some disappointments and I hope through writing, I can express my feelings so I can stay positive and focused.
This is our start to... Just believe.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
My Motivation
Wow.... it's all I can say when I see that I have not written a post in way over a month. I usually devote my blog time to my first blog Chocolate & Kisses, where I basically type recipes we've tried, things about my life, and random stuff I'm sure nobody reads. I am okay with that. I started these blogs for myself and that is what I am still doing....writing for myself.
A few things have happened over the past month or so. I finally found a job, it's been over 2 months since I stopped working at my last one and I thought it was going to be hopeless. All the rejections definitely were not good for my self esteem but it has come to an end. What I learned from that little hiatus from employment is that finding a job literally sucks.
I never realized how fortunate I was to have a job during all these hard times and I give so much credit to all those who are still fighting the fight. It's hard. It's stressful and it's not something those who have not experienced would understand. I felt bad about myself. Kind of like "What is my damn purpose on this earth...I don't belong" bad. I didn't understand why my skills weren't wanted.
But, those jobs that I got rejected from over and over again....they just were not for me. I wanted a per diem job and I was basically going for anything knowing that our funds were definitely running out. Well just anything wasn't what I was suppose to get. I was suppose to get a per diem job....and I did!
I also learned during this time that I need to calm down. Between not getting pregnant and not having a job, my emotional stress level went through the roof, and my body sent me a wake up call in the form of high blood pressure. 170/100 to be exact! Whoa...... that needed to change.
I had a few doctors appointments and I realized what I needed to do. I'm 29 years old.... and I'm causing my body harm by allowing stress and my weight to set the tone for how it works. Not anymore.
As a team, my husband and I eat healthier. We move our bodies and we support each other. I realized that just being accountable to myself was not working. I needed support...I needed to talk about my health to motivate myself. I needed someone to remind me that being healthy and alive is far better than eating a cheesecake and being sick. Not that I've ever eaten more than one piece of cheesecake...but you get the point.
It's a slow process. I'm not expecting to lose all my weight over night. I want to do this the healthy way while still enjoying food. Just in moderation. I don't want to feel deprived and I want to feel proud of my choices.
I'm bringing back the basics that I used to lose weight in the past.... except this time I'm going to keep it off. My health depends on it.
A few things have happened over the past month or so. I finally found a job, it's been over 2 months since I stopped working at my last one and I thought it was going to be hopeless. All the rejections definitely were not good for my self esteem but it has come to an end. What I learned from that little hiatus from employment is that finding a job literally sucks.
I never realized how fortunate I was to have a job during all these hard times and I give so much credit to all those who are still fighting the fight. It's hard. It's stressful and it's not something those who have not experienced would understand. I felt bad about myself. Kind of like "What is my damn purpose on this earth...I don't belong" bad. I didn't understand why my skills weren't wanted.
But, those jobs that I got rejected from over and over again....they just were not for me. I wanted a per diem job and I was basically going for anything knowing that our funds were definitely running out. Well just anything wasn't what I was suppose to get. I was suppose to get a per diem job....and I did!
I also learned during this time that I need to calm down. Between not getting pregnant and not having a job, my emotional stress level went through the roof, and my body sent me a wake up call in the form of high blood pressure. 170/100 to be exact! Whoa...... that needed to change.
I had a few doctors appointments and I realized what I needed to do. I'm 29 years old.... and I'm causing my body harm by allowing stress and my weight to set the tone for how it works. Not anymore.
As a team, my husband and I eat healthier. We move our bodies and we support each other. I realized that just being accountable to myself was not working. I needed support...I needed to talk about my health to motivate myself. I needed someone to remind me that being healthy and alive is far better than eating a cheesecake and being sick. Not that I've ever eaten more than one piece of cheesecake...but you get the point.
It's a slow process. I'm not expecting to lose all my weight over night. I want to do this the healthy way while still enjoying food. Just in moderation. I don't want to feel deprived and I want to feel proud of my choices.
I'm bringing back the basics that I used to lose weight in the past.... except this time I'm going to keep it off. My health depends on it.
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