The Good, The Bad

I always let time pass without writing anything down. I have so many different emotions towards this journey, I would think I'd want to get them out. Instead, I keep them inside until I have to have a moment and cry by myself. Then I move on.

Since the last time I wrote, some things have definitely changed. One thing that hasn't. I'm still infertile and NOT pregnant. But, that's okay.

I've made major steps forward in this journey and have found some answers to questions I've asked multiple times. In february I went ahead with laparoscopic surgery after finding out that I had a uterine septum and polyps. I started to question whether or not I had endometriosis due to certain symptoms, primarily random spotting and continuous back pain. My suspicions were confirmed and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis.

That was a little blow coming out of my medically induced slumber after surgery. I won't lie and say I didn't shed a tear or two, but then I moved on. I healed, I looked for information and I went to my post-op appointment ready to conquer this battle.

My RE seems very optimistic towards our options because I can in fact get pregnant. I've been pregnant before. We are both hoping with a little help from Clomid and IUI that we can stimulate those follicles to grow some strong eggs and have the best sperm meet for a little date.

Like everything else in life, we all have a habit of visiting the well known google. I've seen many articles saying that using Clomid with Stage 4 Endometriosis, doesn't really increase your odds of conception. I am going to ignore that. I want to remain as positive as I can, and just hope that when it's our time, with the right combination- it'll happen.

There is nothing more that I can do besides that, and make myself as healthy as possible for that precious moment. I have been doing great with my new way of eating. I have lost 38 lbs and I'm still planning on going strong. All my blood work has shown improvement and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

I am going to kick infertility's ass one way or another!!!!!

Dreamin'

I've found myself waking up remembering very vivid dreams where I've given birth, a few times. I have been day dreaming about what I would name my future children. I remember these dreams even a week later, and it puts a smile on my face. I am healing.

I am healing from the months before where all I did was think negatively towards myself, my body, my reproductive system. Whenever a pregnancy or baby was introduced to this world, I use to cringe and immediately cry. It felt awful. I wanted to punch people in the face and I would curse at myself for being defective.

I am slowly recognizing that I'm not doing that anymore. I'm using positive energy to guide my journey. I want to heal my body and my mind from the miscarriage last April, and I know that I am getting there. I will never forget this past year. The heartache, the anger and the disappointment will always stay with me. Although it will never go away, the memory is becoming more distant and I am learning to be happy again. Happy for all the things I have in the life, all my blessings. I am learning to love myself as I am, and to make changes so I can love myself more.

Every day when I take a shower, I take a minute to be positive and uplifting. I recite this three times over.

"I will have a healthy body, I will have a healthy pregnancy and I will have a healthy baby"

At first I said it to make myself believe it but as the days go by, I am truly starting to believe it. I am working very diligently to make my body healthier, eating a fertility friendly diet- lots of vegetables and fruits. I am making good choices in my foods, and I'm proud to say I've finally lost the weight I gained after having the miscarriage. I am continuing my fertility journey, taking natural herbs to bring my body back into balance, but what I am doing that I know will pay off, is I am being patient.

Great things do come to those who wait and I know that whatever is planned for me, will come. Not every day is rainbows or sunshine, but most days I can picture my growing family. I welcome the image until it can be my reality.

My Motivation

Wow.... it's all I can say when I see that I have not written a post in way over a month. I usually devote my blog time to my first blog Chocolate & Kisses, where I basically type recipes we've tried, things about my life, and random stuff I'm sure nobody reads. I am okay with that. I started these blogs for myself and that is what I am still doing....writing for myself.

A few things have happened over the past month or so. I finally found a job, it's been over 2 months since I stopped working at my last one and I thought it was going to be hopeless. All the rejections definitely were not good for my self esteem but it has come to an end. What I learned from that little hiatus from employment is that finding a job literally sucks.

I never realized how fortunate I was to have a job during all these hard times and I give so much credit to all those who are still fighting the fight. It's hard. It's stressful and it's not something those who have not experienced would understand. I felt bad about myself. Kind of like "What is my damn purpose on this earth...I don't belong" bad. I didn't understand why my skills weren't wanted.

But, those jobs that I got rejected from over and over again....they just were not for me. I wanted a per diem job and I was basically going for anything knowing that our funds were definitely running out. Well just anything wasn't what I was suppose to get. I was suppose to get a per diem job....and I did!

I also learned during this time that I need to calm down. Between not getting pregnant and not having a job, my emotional stress level went through the roof, and my body sent me a wake up call in the form of high blood pressure. 170/100 to be exact! Whoa...... that needed to change.

I had a few doctors appointments and I realized what I needed to do. I'm 29 years old.... and I'm causing my body harm by allowing stress and my weight to set the tone for how it works. Not anymore.

As a team, my husband and I eat healthier. We move our bodies and we support each other. I realized that just being accountable to myself was not working. I needed support...I needed to talk about my health to motivate myself. I needed someone to remind me that being healthy and alive is far better than eating a cheesecake and being sick. Not that I've ever eaten more than one piece of cheesecake...but you get the point.

It's a slow process. I'm not expecting to lose all my weight over night. I want to do this the healthy way while still enjoying food. Just in moderation. I don't want to feel deprived and I want to feel proud of my choices.

I'm bringing back the basics that I used to lose weight in the past.... except this time I'm going to keep it off. My health depends on it.