Today is Wednesday and on Friday I will be getting my HSG. When I first spoke to my doctor about all the testing, it didn't bother me. When I got the call and scheduled the actual test yesterday, I've been nervous already!
I just don't know what to expect and quite frankly, just not that into have a bunch of people all up in my bizz-natch. It's completely awkward and I find it gross. That being said, it's what I have to do and I can't change it. So yesterday before dinner, I enjoyed a nice glass of wine. I may do the same today and probably will have a glass tomorrow.
I don't normally drink out of special occasions but hey, this is my body, my feelings and I want to mellow them out a little bit.
I'm looking forward to this part of the testing being over so we can either a) find something that is wrong or b) not find anything and start the next step. Either way, it'll give us some kind of answer. I'm not really focused on either of those options, but eliminating things is a good thing.
The hubs has his test on Friday morning as well. I was originally suppose to bring said test in the morning but with my test at 12, I just don't see myself waiting around for 4 hours in a town I don't particularly like. We shall see!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Moving Forward
So the ugly beast roared her nasty little head today, which means on Monday I will be going for my day 3 blood work. The doctor only wants to check my FSH level and total testosterone. She will be using my blood work from my results in October, stating that "things wouldn't really have changed since then".
I don't know how I feel about this. I assumed they would want to do blood work for the entire cycle to see how it fluctuates during the follicular and luteal phases. What do I know though?
While I expected to have to go through this testing, I won't lie that a little part of me hoped I'd have a great story to tell about how we got knocked up on the cycle before it all begins. I guess that isn't a part of my story.....yet.
Instead of pouting or getting upset, I embraced the day. I woke up at 445, got out of bed and had my workout done by 630 this morning! The rest of the day was busy, spent doing stuff outside. We opened our pool and got a lot accomplished! Maybe by the end of the summer, we will have a nice yard!
I got burnt to a crisp, and it hurts like a mother! I see lots of Aloe in my future!
I don't know how I feel about this. I assumed they would want to do blood work for the entire cycle to see how it fluctuates during the follicular and luteal phases. What do I know though?
While I expected to have to go through this testing, I won't lie that a little part of me hoped I'd have a great story to tell about how we got knocked up on the cycle before it all begins. I guess that isn't a part of my story.....yet.
Instead of pouting or getting upset, I embraced the day. I woke up at 445, got out of bed and had my workout done by 630 this morning! The rest of the day was busy, spent doing stuff outside. We opened our pool and got a lot accomplished! Maybe by the end of the summer, we will have a nice yard!
I got burnt to a crisp, and it hurts like a mother! I see lots of Aloe in my future!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
You Make Me Stronger
With every struggle comes many emotions. We can all figure out that sadness is probably the emotion you feel the most. I have definitely felt it a lot in the past year and at times I have let myself sink into my own little hole, because I needed to. I needed to feel the sadness that I am allowed to feel. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to sometimes feel an emptiness within my core. We are all allowed to feel however we want to feel, when we want to feel it.
Then when that sadness dissipates, what are you left with? For me, it's the fight in me to achieve the things I want in this life. My struggles, while some days bring me down, they also pick me back up because I won't let them define my story. I won't let what I don't have today, set my mood for my future. I want to be happy.
I want to be happy for myself, my husband, our fur-babies and for our future children. I want to live a life I am proud of, that I can look back on in 30 years and smile. This isn't a journey that always brings a smile to my face, but it is our journey. It is the journey we had to take to start our family. It may not seem that our time is drawing closer, but we don't know that. We don't know when our blessing will happen, but the struggle and all the emotions that have come with it, they have made me stronger. They have made my relationship with my husband stronger.
I couldn't do this without him. I wouldn't want to do this without him. He is one of the very few things that puts a smile on my face when I'm feeling at my worst. When I'm cursing out my lady bits and malfunctioning, he knows how to make it better. I was blessed with him in my life and I am forever grateful.
So while we go through the tests in the next few weeks, I am not going to focus on the results, because who knows what any of it will show. I will just trust that this is where our journey is taking us, and one step at a time we will be closer to what our hearts want most.
Then when that sadness dissipates, what are you left with? For me, it's the fight in me to achieve the things I want in this life. My struggles, while some days bring me down, they also pick me back up because I won't let them define my story. I won't let what I don't have today, set my mood for my future. I want to be happy.
I want to be happy for myself, my husband, our fur-babies and for our future children. I want to live a life I am proud of, that I can look back on in 30 years and smile. This isn't a journey that always brings a smile to my face, but it is our journey. It is the journey we had to take to start our family. It may not seem that our time is drawing closer, but we don't know that. We don't know when our blessing will happen, but the struggle and all the emotions that have come with it, they have made me stronger. They have made my relationship with my husband stronger.
I couldn't do this without him. I wouldn't want to do this without him. He is one of the very few things that puts a smile on my face when I'm feeling at my worst. When I'm cursing out my lady bits and malfunctioning, he knows how to make it better. I was blessed with him in my life and I am forever grateful.
So while we go through the tests in the next few weeks, I am not going to focus on the results, because who knows what any of it will show. I will just trust that this is where our journey is taking us, and one step at a time we will be closer to what our hearts want most.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I Will Wait for You
Driving home today after just taking a short ride to pick up a delicious iced coffee (most likely my last one during the week-time to get cracking on healthier habits) the song that says over and over I will wait for you, I will wait for you came on. Needless to say, I cried instantly but it wasn't really out of sadness. More like a realization that I will wait for you, our first child until we are both healthy to make you, a healthy little bean that can grow inside my tummy for 10 months.
I will wait to pee on a stick and see those lovely two lines and know that you will stay with us.
I will wait to know that at our first ultrasound, we will hear your strong healthy heart beat singing back to us.
I will wait until you are strong and healthy to come into this world and allows us to be your parents.
I will wait however long it takes, for you to be ours.
This road hasn't been easy, and I know it won't be until you are in my arms, looking up at me. Then the road will change, and it won't be easy for different reasons. I will wait for that time, for when he is ready, he will give you to us.
I will wait for you.
I will wait to pee on a stick and see those lovely two lines and know that you will stay with us.
I will wait to know that at our first ultrasound, we will hear your strong healthy heart beat singing back to us.
I will wait until you are strong and healthy to come into this world and allows us to be your parents.
I will wait however long it takes, for you to be ours.
This road hasn't been easy, and I know it won't be until you are in my arms, looking up at me. Then the road will change, and it won't be easy for different reasons. I will wait for that time, for when he is ready, he will give you to us.
I will wait for you.
Monday, April 29, 2013
The Plan
I think I hyped myself up for the appointment I had today. I actually cried some on the way to the doctors and now looking back on how the appointment went down, I feel slightly silly.
In the first 10 minutes of seeing my doctor, we already have a plan. There is no more waiting and we should be able to get all the testing done this upcoming cycle.
Since I had my annual exam with another doctor in October and then some 7dpo blood work, we aren't going to be doing that again. I had brought in my results today, which seemed to be helpful to her. I will be going in for day 3 blood work to check my FSH and testosterone levels.
I should be getting a call today or tomorrow to set up a day to have my saline ultrasound and then when I get my period, I'll be scheduling my HSG.
I have all the information I need for the hub's analysis and hopefully that can be done this week or next.
I don't know what any of these tests will come back with, but I am glad that we are going in the right direction. My doctor was very hopeful because I do ovulate and I'm going to remain positive throughout this whole process.
One day I will get pregnant, I will hold my first baby in my arms..... and we are one step closer. That's how I want to think during this process.
Good things come to those who wait, right?
In the first 10 minutes of seeing my doctor, we already have a plan. There is no more waiting and we should be able to get all the testing done this upcoming cycle.
Since I had my annual exam with another doctor in October and then some 7dpo blood work, we aren't going to be doing that again. I had brought in my results today, which seemed to be helpful to her. I will be going in for day 3 blood work to check my FSH and testosterone levels.
I should be getting a call today or tomorrow to set up a day to have my saline ultrasound and then when I get my period, I'll be scheduling my HSG.
I have all the information I need for the hub's analysis and hopefully that can be done this week or next.
I don't know what any of these tests will come back with, but I am glad that we are going in the right direction. My doctor was very hopeful because I do ovulate and I'm going to remain positive throughout this whole process.
One day I will get pregnant, I will hold my first baby in my arms..... and we are one step closer. That's how I want to think during this process.
Good things come to those who wait, right?
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Nervous But Relieved
I am a week away from going to my doctors to discuss what our future will entail. Blood tests, ultrasounds, HSGs, sperm analysis (obviously for the hubs!).....is what I'm assuming, but who knows.
All I do know is that she better have a game plan once we talk, because we are on our 25th cycle and here I am still just UNpregnant (if thats a word!)
I don't have the patience to just wait it out because I haven't been to her in over a year. It's been a year since our first pregnancy, which ended in a very early miscarriage. It's time to get to the root of our infertility problems.
I am nervous. I'm nervous that she won't want to get the testing started. I'm anticipating hearing that I'm too overweight and that is the cause of my problems. I think that is bullshit. If that is her first response, than I'm going to politely state my feelings and if she doesn't bite in a more positive way, then I'm jumping ship.
I'm nervous that we have more problems that can't be solved without having to go towards a very expensive IVF. I'm scared. I'm upset.
But I'm also relieved that I've given in and decided that its time to get this started. I've allowed myself to realize that it isn't going to work right now. So I'm trying to focus on myself, my husband, our house and our life.
My 30th birthday is this friday, and I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks because I'm approaching a new decade. A decade that will eventually lead to growing our family, one way or another.
I've decided to distance myself from things that upset me, and while I feel bad that it also consists of certain people, I'm only doing it to save my feelings and our relationships. I don't want to be bitter towards people because they have something I am struggling to get. It's not their fault and I would like to only be happy for them, and not jealous. I know in time things will get better and I'll be a more positive person..... I just need to be patient.
So I'm going to celebrate this week, because after monday things will change. I hope it will be for the better, but we have to be realistic, especially after the journey so far.
I will probably be nervous as all hell going to my appointment on monday, but I hope I leave with a sense of control that I'm doing what I'm suppose to to create our little miracle. Until then, I'll just believe.
All I do know is that she better have a game plan once we talk, because we are on our 25th cycle and here I am still just UNpregnant (if thats a word!)
I don't have the patience to just wait it out because I haven't been to her in over a year. It's been a year since our first pregnancy, which ended in a very early miscarriage. It's time to get to the root of our infertility problems.
I am nervous. I'm nervous that she won't want to get the testing started. I'm anticipating hearing that I'm too overweight and that is the cause of my problems. I think that is bullshit. If that is her first response, than I'm going to politely state my feelings and if she doesn't bite in a more positive way, then I'm jumping ship.
I'm nervous that we have more problems that can't be solved without having to go towards a very expensive IVF. I'm scared. I'm upset.
But I'm also relieved that I've given in and decided that its time to get this started. I've allowed myself to realize that it isn't going to work right now. So I'm trying to focus on myself, my husband, our house and our life.
My 30th birthday is this friday, and I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks because I'm approaching a new decade. A decade that will eventually lead to growing our family, one way or another.
I've decided to distance myself from things that upset me, and while I feel bad that it also consists of certain people, I'm only doing it to save my feelings and our relationships. I don't want to be bitter towards people because they have something I am struggling to get. It's not their fault and I would like to only be happy for them, and not jealous. I know in time things will get better and I'll be a more positive person..... I just need to be patient.
So I'm going to celebrate this week, because after monday things will change. I hope it will be for the better, but we have to be realistic, especially after the journey so far.
I will probably be nervous as all hell going to my appointment on monday, but I hope I leave with a sense of control that I'm doing what I'm suppose to to create our little miracle. Until then, I'll just believe.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
One Step at a Time
There are so many thoughts that run through your mind all day long.
What am I making for dinner? Did the dogs go potty? Did I fold the laundry? What do I have to do this week? Are the bills paid? Blahblahblah.
I never thought my brain would be full of these types of questions though.
Did I do something wrong? Why can't I get pregnant? Will I ever have a child? Am I being punished? Why do I have to smile for everyone else's happiness when I'm dying inside?
All.Day.Long. It is a constant battle to stay on the positive band wagon. Sometimes I want to jump head first into the negative nilly wagon and just say mean things to those around me. It's awful to say. I don't want malice in my heart. I truly love those around me and I'm happy for all the good things that happen to them. I'm just jealous. Straight out.
I don't like this feeling. I've never felt it before. I've always had an open mind and just gone and gotten the things I wanted. I worked damn hard for those things and I had set backs. Nothing was every sugar coated and wonderful....but I made my life and I've been proud. I don't know how to do this some days. I don't know how to listen to people around me talk about their kids and mommy-hood, while my heart breaks over and over.
It's not a one time heart broken scenario, this one. Every time I think of my miscarriage, every time I remember I'm in the same month bad things happened, every time I hear someone is pregnant, every time I see how happy those around me are....my heart feels like it's breaking over and over. I hate it.
I try really hard to be positive. To think that it will happen when the time is right and my story with children is suppose to start. Every month I'm flipping that page, hoping for the best but secretly feeling like my happy page just isn't coming. It blows.
I'm trying very hard to hold my head high and just embrace the beautiful life I have in front of me. Some days it is hard. Some days I really don't like myself and my broken lady parts. I don't truly know how broken they are, but they don't work right. I am looking forward to trying to figure out what is wrong and maybe when I feel in control of that process, I will feel better. One step at a time and one foot in front of the other. It is the only thing I can do.
I can also pray that this won't be my life forever. That one wonderful and magical day will come around and I will be blessed with the best news. Until then, I'll smile at the blooming flowers and hold my husband just a little bit tighter. For it is his presence that fills my heart with love.
What am I making for dinner? Did the dogs go potty? Did I fold the laundry? What do I have to do this week? Are the bills paid? Blahblahblah.
I never thought my brain would be full of these types of questions though.
Did I do something wrong? Why can't I get pregnant? Will I ever have a child? Am I being punished? Why do I have to smile for everyone else's happiness when I'm dying inside?
All.Day.Long. It is a constant battle to stay on the positive band wagon. Sometimes I want to jump head first into the negative nilly wagon and just say mean things to those around me. It's awful to say. I don't want malice in my heart. I truly love those around me and I'm happy for all the good things that happen to them. I'm just jealous. Straight out.
I don't like this feeling. I've never felt it before. I've always had an open mind and just gone and gotten the things I wanted. I worked damn hard for those things and I had set backs. Nothing was every sugar coated and wonderful....but I made my life and I've been proud. I don't know how to do this some days. I don't know how to listen to people around me talk about their kids and mommy-hood, while my heart breaks over and over.
It's not a one time heart broken scenario, this one. Every time I think of my miscarriage, every time I remember I'm in the same month bad things happened, every time I hear someone is pregnant, every time I see how happy those around me are....my heart feels like it's breaking over and over. I hate it.
I try really hard to be positive. To think that it will happen when the time is right and my story with children is suppose to start. Every month I'm flipping that page, hoping for the best but secretly feeling like my happy page just isn't coming. It blows.
I'm trying very hard to hold my head high and just embrace the beautiful life I have in front of me. Some days it is hard. Some days I really don't like myself and my broken lady parts. I don't truly know how broken they are, but they don't work right. I am looking forward to trying to figure out what is wrong and maybe when I feel in control of that process, I will feel better. One step at a time and one foot in front of the other. It is the only thing I can do.
I can also pray that this won't be my life forever. That one wonderful and magical day will come around and I will be blessed with the best news. Until then, I'll smile at the blooming flowers and hold my husband just a little bit tighter. For it is his presence that fills my heart with love.
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