Dreamin'

I've found myself waking up remembering very vivid dreams where I've given birth, a few times. I have been day dreaming about what I would name my future children. I remember these dreams even a week later, and it puts a smile on my face. I am healing.

I am healing from the months before where all I did was think negatively towards myself, my body, my reproductive system. Whenever a pregnancy or baby was introduced to this world, I use to cringe and immediately cry. It felt awful. I wanted to punch people in the face and I would curse at myself for being defective.

I am slowly recognizing that I'm not doing that anymore. I'm using positive energy to guide my journey. I want to heal my body and my mind from the miscarriage last April, and I know that I am getting there. I will never forget this past year. The heartache, the anger and the disappointment will always stay with me. Although it will never go away, the memory is becoming more distant and I am learning to be happy again. Happy for all the things I have in the life, all my blessings. I am learning to love myself as I am, and to make changes so I can love myself more.

Every day when I take a shower, I take a minute to be positive and uplifting. I recite this three times over.

"I will have a healthy body, I will have a healthy pregnancy and I will have a healthy baby"

At first I said it to make myself believe it but as the days go by, I am truly starting to believe it. I am working very diligently to make my body healthier, eating a fertility friendly diet- lots of vegetables and fruits. I am making good choices in my foods, and I'm proud to say I've finally lost the weight I gained after having the miscarriage. I am continuing my fertility journey, taking natural herbs to bring my body back into balance, but what I am doing that I know will pay off, is I am being patient.

Great things do come to those who wait and I know that whatever is planned for me, will come. Not every day is rainbows or sunshine, but most days I can picture my growing family. I welcome the image until it can be my reality.

Challenging Conversations

I find it such a challenge to talk to others about this struggle. It may not just be me, it could be the topic itself that is so difficult to bring up in conversation. I find that when I want to express how I feel, others always seem to put a twist on it and compare it to a very different situation. I know it's their way to try to relate to what is going on, but I just don't feel you can relate a fertility issue, lack of pregnancy, and desire for a baby that's not coming so easily- to materialistic things.

I'm not being insensitive to the other issues that are happening to those around me, I just don't understand how you compare apples to cucumbers. Or couches to door knobs. Maybe it's just me. As my mom stated today, those who aren't experiencing reproductive issues, illness or diseases- they should sometimes just stop and listen. They don't know how these things make people feel who are experiencing them because they aren't experiencing them. I couldn't agree more.

The want for a child, it goes deep. It's another life that you want to create. To make your family and your heart whole. I feel like I am missing out on so much right now. I feel that because we are here stuck in this limbo period, that our friends don't know how to "hang out" with us and people sometimes don't know how to talk to us. They just don't.

I picture my future all the time. I dream about watching my kids swim with my friend's kids and their cousins in our pool. I feel the sun on my face and I feel so blessed in that moment. But I'm not there yet. I'm still here, trying to figure out why we aren't getting pregnant and what I can do to make myself healthier.

I've made a commitment to making myself feel better, and be healthier. To make my body prepared for a pregnancy when it does happen. I would love nothing more for it to happen naturally. I pray every day. I only can have faith that I'm doing everything I can to make our miracle happen.

Feelings

I've spent a lot of time thinking since last April. I've spent a lot of time crying and I've spent more time being bitter towards others than I would like to admit to.

It's hard to see everyone getting what you want most in life....pregnant, babies...families. Some days you feel like you are getting ripped into pieces. You are angry and you wonder what you did to deserve such a sentence. A sentence of a possible infertility issue. It doesn't make you feel good every day, and it's not suppose to. What you do with the situation, that is what gets you through to the next day, the next phase...the better part.

I've done a lot of soul searching the past year. I've learned some of my limitations and I've also learned my strengths. One thing I am good at, moving on and looking forward. I know I am good at being positive, and while it may not be every day- I know that there are better days ahead, days where my children will be surrounding my husband and I.

It's been difficult not having anyone in my life to relate to. Someone who knows the disappointment and pain of a miscarriage. Of months and months of trying with no positive results. It's frustrating. It's frustrating to not be able to talk to someone who understands my feelings. Another female who feels what I feel. My husband has been great during this whole ordeal, but men are different. They don't always show emotion or say the right thing. Us women, we tend to twist things around sometimes and only hear bits and pieces that ultimately piss us off. I've more than once called me husband insensitive to my pain but I didn't mean it. He means the world to me and if this is my fate, this struggle...I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
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This month we aren't even trying. I am doing a fertility cleanse and it is kicking my ass! Milk thistle and I are not good friends. Only 4 more days and I switch to things that will clean out the good ole uterus! Who knows if this is something that will help me, but I wanted to try. You can't call me a quitter because I will try anything and everything to get my little miracle. Except stealing...I won't do that. :-)

A New Direction

I started this blog to help motivate me to lose weight and get healthy, but thats not what I want to write about. It may be a part of what I want to write about, but what I feel most strongly about at this time in my life- is our journey to start a family.

I want a place where I can place my thoughts about our struggles without feeling like Im burdening those around me. This is my journey, and some days I don't feel so wonderful about it. Some days I have thoughts I'm not proud of, but I work through them.

This is my story to our little miracle, because that is what conception is....truly a miracle. There is nothing more I want than to make a child for my husband and for me. We've had some disappointments and I hope through writing, I can express my feelings so I can stay positive and focused.

This is our start to... Just believe.

My Motivation

Wow.... it's all I can say when I see that I have not written a post in way over a month. I usually devote my blog time to my first blog Chocolate & Kisses, where I basically type recipes we've tried, things about my life, and random stuff I'm sure nobody reads. I am okay with that. I started these blogs for myself and that is what I am still doing....writing for myself.

A few things have happened over the past month or so. I finally found a job, it's been over 2 months since I stopped working at my last one and I thought it was going to be hopeless. All the rejections definitely were not good for my self esteem but it has come to an end. What I learned from that little hiatus from employment is that finding a job literally sucks.

I never realized how fortunate I was to have a job during all these hard times and I give so much credit to all those who are still fighting the fight. It's hard. It's stressful and it's not something those who have not experienced would understand. I felt bad about myself. Kind of like "What is my damn purpose on this earth...I don't belong" bad. I didn't understand why my skills weren't wanted.

But, those jobs that I got rejected from over and over again....they just were not for me. I wanted a per diem job and I was basically going for anything knowing that our funds were definitely running out. Well just anything wasn't what I was suppose to get. I was suppose to get a per diem job....and I did!

I also learned during this time that I need to calm down. Between not getting pregnant and not having a job, my emotional stress level went through the roof, and my body sent me a wake up call in the form of high blood pressure. 170/100 to be exact! Whoa...... that needed to change.

I had a few doctors appointments and I realized what I needed to do. I'm 29 years old.... and I'm causing my body harm by allowing stress and my weight to set the tone for how it works. Not anymore.

As a team, my husband and I eat healthier. We move our bodies and we support each other. I realized that just being accountable to myself was not working. I needed support...I needed to talk about my health to motivate myself. I needed someone to remind me that being healthy and alive is far better than eating a cheesecake and being sick. Not that I've ever eaten more than one piece of cheesecake...but you get the point.

It's a slow process. I'm not expecting to lose all my weight over night. I want to do this the healthy way while still enjoying food. Just in moderation. I don't want to feel deprived and I want to feel proud of my choices.

I'm bringing back the basics that I used to lose weight in the past.... except this time I'm going to keep it off. My health depends on it.

UNhappy Weight

It is a constant struggle. This desire to feel better in my skin, to lose weight and find a middle ground with my love for food. I have to plan out my days eats the night before or the morning of, and even though I have a game plan....I veer off of it on occasion. More than I would like to admit, but this is my truth.

I've been doing really good this week when it comes to moving. I've made my husband be my accountability and support. I text him when I start exercising and I've told him he needs to ask if I've done my workout if I haven't let him know. Just yesterday as I was hitting a brick wall and going to lay on my bed for a few minutes...."Did you workout?" appeared on my screen. No dear, but I will after I take a minute. That's all it took. I got up, put on my workout clothes and got to sweating.

We all have our reason for gaining the weight. Boredom, depression, no motivation, or suppressing feelings that should be confronted, in a bag of chips. There are many things that can cause us to fall back into old habits. As my husband and I were driving the other day he said "You put on your happy weight"... well hunny, this is NOT happy weight. This is the weight I gained from being UNhappy. Not with him, but with our schedules, our lifestyle.

Here I sit with those excuses....and our schedules and lifestyle have changed but I've still gained weight. So what exactly is it that leaves me unmotivated? What is it in my brain that tells me that its okay to eat 2.5 servings of sour patch watermelons in one sitting? Am I proud of that, no.... but I did count it on my daily calories so there is some progress. I am being honest and trying my best to make better decisions. But is it my best. No, it's not. Who am I kidding? Myself.

My best is 8 years ago, when I was eating healthy, exercising almost every day. I was putting myself first in front of all other things. I felt great. What happened? I met the man of me dream when I felt my best and he's right by my side now.... 70+ pounds later. He still loves me, when I don't love myself. If I did, I'd take better care of the body that is suppose to lead me into my 80s and 90s.

I want to live that long. I want to have children and be able to play with them without being short of breath or sweating like a beast. It's embarrassing. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to come up with excuses for myself.

Despite these feelings, I am not a sad person. I'm happy.... I love my husband, my house, my dogs, my family and friends. I can be happier. I need to love myself again. I'm proud of my husband for asking me if I worked out yesterday. I'm proud of myself for not biting his head off and taking his cue to get my ass on that treadmill.

I am proud of myself for recognizing that I am the only one who can change this body. The only one who can allow it to take me farther in this life.

So I'm going to take my proud ass off this computer and get moving.

Can't Control Everything

There are only so many things a person can control at one given time. For the past six months I have been trying to work a job on the nightshift that I loathed, get pregnant again, and kept telling myself that the time was now to lose weight.

Well I failed at all three. I couldn't handle any of it and it pretty much came out as a tired, sad, overly emotional, mean, and lazy person. So, I made a change.

I quit my job and I'm getting back on a normal sleep cycle. I've also decided that I can't try to get pregnant and lose weight at the same time. Personally, it overwhelms me to try to do both and I end up doing neither. So I've chosen to get back in the game and lose this weight.

I don't feel good about myself. I can feel my body parts jiggling when I move. I get short of breathe when I exert myself. I am completely out of shape and enough is enough.

I could write about how I feel all day long. That's not going to help me. I'll still be sitting here on my ass and not moving. So it's time to get to bed, I have some exercising to do in the morning.