The Call

I feel like I am reliving last year and it sucks. Why why why?!? Everyone around me gets pregnant so easily and it just isn't working for us. A year ago,  I find out I was pregnant and then the spotting started. Everyone around me was celebrating their pregnancies and I was crumbling. Here I am again, in April a year later, all those around me are playing with their babies and I just finally made "the call."

The call to my doctor to say this isn't working.

It has been 24 cycles since we started to try for our first little miracle. Every month, instead of two beautiful pink lines, I am greeted with my period. Definitely not beautiful.

To say I feel crushed, basically sums up all my feelings into one word. Im frustrated, sad, disappointed, mad, resentful, upset, defeated.

I am not giving up though. All those feelings, while I may have them, I do know that there is a plan for us and I just have to learn to accept how I feel and try to be patient with the process.

I know this journey isn't going to be easy, it hasn't been so far. But I also know that I have a wonderful man besides me who is cheering us both on. It breaks my heart that I am not making him a dad yet. But I will.

I am going to limit my talking to certain individuals to a minimum because it just upsets me more. I know who I can confide in, cry with, who won't judge me or piss me off.

They never said life was perfect, this is our fight. We are going to win it, one way or another.

Pass the Facebook

If there is anything that can make a smile on your face turn into a frown, stalking facebook is definitely up there on the top ten.

Every day you log on to see pictures from your family or friends, you are met with a new ultrasound picture of a newly expecting mother. *insert cry face here*

It's not that I want to feel bad when I see these little miracles, it just breaks my heart that it's not me. That I am part of a statistic that has a hard time getting pregnant. It hurts. A lot. I know there are a lot of woman/couples out there that are like us. I know that they have made miracles themselves, it's just taking longer. I know my feelings are normal.

That doesn't make these feelings any less heart breaking on any of us. Because it does suck when you are going through it. It does feel hopeless at times, but we all have to do what we can to get what we want. A child of our own.

I'm not going to stop trying. I'm not going to stop praying. I will however say goodbye to facebook for a little while. The less I see, the better I feel! Who's with me?!?

Positive Thoughts

What keeps you going when after every month you give it your best shot,  you still come out with nothing?

Is it your ever believing faith that it will eventually happen? Is it the motivation that everyone else around you is getting what you want? Is it the look on your husband's face when he says he can't wait to be a father?

WHAT IS IT?!?

For me it's all of the above and then some. I can't really put into words what keeps me positive and grounded. I have my moments where I just cry. I cry for what could of been and what still isn't. I cry out of frustration and I cry out of jealousy. 

Then I smile. I smile as I picture holding my child for the first time. I smile as I see my husband staring up at me after giving birth. Our first kiss together as parents. I smile as I picture my toddler running around my living room, and I smile when I think of our family drives with our children in car seats. 

So in my pain, there still is a lot of smiling. I have enough faith to get me to the next day, moment, period in my life where I will have what I long for most. To love someone so unconditionally that you would give anything to make them happy, healthy and to feel loved. 

I pray every day. Not a moment goes by where I don't think about being pregnant, having a child, being something more than just what I am now. 

I know my time will come, one way or another. I'm trying to embrace what I have in life now. Every day is a gift.  I want to enjoy all my gifts, whether i'm in the place I thought I would be or not. I have a wonderful partner in life and together we will accomplish our dreams.

Dreamin'

I've found myself waking up remembering very vivid dreams where I've given birth, a few times. I have been day dreaming about what I would name my future children. I remember these dreams even a week later, and it puts a smile on my face. I am healing.

I am healing from the months before where all I did was think negatively towards myself, my body, my reproductive system. Whenever a pregnancy or baby was introduced to this world, I use to cringe and immediately cry. It felt awful. I wanted to punch people in the face and I would curse at myself for being defective.

I am slowly recognizing that I'm not doing that anymore. I'm using positive energy to guide my journey. I want to heal my body and my mind from the miscarriage last April, and I know that I am getting there. I will never forget this past year. The heartache, the anger and the disappointment will always stay with me. Although it will never go away, the memory is becoming more distant and I am learning to be happy again. Happy for all the things I have in the life, all my blessings. I am learning to love myself as I am, and to make changes so I can love myself more.

Every day when I take a shower, I take a minute to be positive and uplifting. I recite this three times over.

"I will have a healthy body, I will have a healthy pregnancy and I will have a healthy baby"

At first I said it to make myself believe it but as the days go by, I am truly starting to believe it. I am working very diligently to make my body healthier, eating a fertility friendly diet- lots of vegetables and fruits. I am making good choices in my foods, and I'm proud to say I've finally lost the weight I gained after having the miscarriage. I am continuing my fertility journey, taking natural herbs to bring my body back into balance, but what I am doing that I know will pay off, is I am being patient.

Great things do come to those who wait and I know that whatever is planned for me, will come. Not every day is rainbows or sunshine, but most days I can picture my growing family. I welcome the image until it can be my reality.

Challenging Conversations

I find it such a challenge to talk to others about this struggle. It may not just be me, it could be the topic itself that is so difficult to bring up in conversation. I find that when I want to express how I feel, others always seem to put a twist on it and compare it to a very different situation. I know it's their way to try to relate to what is going on, but I just don't feel you can relate a fertility issue, lack of pregnancy, and desire for a baby that's not coming so easily- to materialistic things.

I'm not being insensitive to the other issues that are happening to those around me, I just don't understand how you compare apples to cucumbers. Or couches to door knobs. Maybe it's just me. As my mom stated today, those who aren't experiencing reproductive issues, illness or diseases- they should sometimes just stop and listen. They don't know how these things make people feel who are experiencing them because they aren't experiencing them. I couldn't agree more.

The want for a child, it goes deep. It's another life that you want to create. To make your family and your heart whole. I feel like I am missing out on so much right now. I feel that because we are here stuck in this limbo period, that our friends don't know how to "hang out" with us and people sometimes don't know how to talk to us. They just don't.

I picture my future all the time. I dream about watching my kids swim with my friend's kids and their cousins in our pool. I feel the sun on my face and I feel so blessed in that moment. But I'm not there yet. I'm still here, trying to figure out why we aren't getting pregnant and what I can do to make myself healthier.

I've made a commitment to making myself feel better, and be healthier. To make my body prepared for a pregnancy when it does happen. I would love nothing more for it to happen naturally. I pray every day. I only can have faith that I'm doing everything I can to make our miracle happen.

Feelings

I've spent a lot of time thinking since last April. I've spent a lot of time crying and I've spent more time being bitter towards others than I would like to admit to.

It's hard to see everyone getting what you want most in life....pregnant, babies...families. Some days you feel like you are getting ripped into pieces. You are angry and you wonder what you did to deserve such a sentence. A sentence of a possible infertility issue. It doesn't make you feel good every day, and it's not suppose to. What you do with the situation, that is what gets you through to the next day, the next phase...the better part.

I've done a lot of soul searching the past year. I've learned some of my limitations and I've also learned my strengths. One thing I am good at, moving on and looking forward. I know I am good at being positive, and while it may not be every day- I know that there are better days ahead, days where my children will be surrounding my husband and I.

It's been difficult not having anyone in my life to relate to. Someone who knows the disappointment and pain of a miscarriage. Of months and months of trying with no positive results. It's frustrating. It's frustrating to not be able to talk to someone who understands my feelings. Another female who feels what I feel. My husband has been great during this whole ordeal, but men are different. They don't always show emotion or say the right thing. Us women, we tend to twist things around sometimes and only hear bits and pieces that ultimately piss us off. I've more than once called me husband insensitive to my pain but I didn't mean it. He means the world to me and if this is my fate, this struggle...I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This month we aren't even trying. I am doing a fertility cleanse and it is kicking my ass! Milk thistle and I are not good friends. Only 4 more days and I switch to things that will clean out the good ole uterus! Who knows if this is something that will help me, but I wanted to try. You can't call me a quitter because I will try anything and everything to get my little miracle. Except stealing...I won't do that. :-)

A New Direction

I started this blog to help motivate me to lose weight and get healthy, but thats not what I want to write about. It may be a part of what I want to write about, but what I feel most strongly about at this time in my life- is our journey to start a family.

I want a place where I can place my thoughts about our struggles without feeling like Im burdening those around me. This is my journey, and some days I don't feel so wonderful about it. Some days I have thoughts I'm not proud of, but I work through them.

This is my story to our little miracle, because that is what conception is....truly a miracle. There is nothing more I want than to make a child for my husband and for me. We've had some disappointments and I hope through writing, I can express my feelings so I can stay positive and focused.

This is our start to... Just believe.