Infertility is.....

Infertility is.....

A struggle that while in my teenage years I always feared, but never thought I'd actually have.

A topic that up until the past few months, I've shied away from talking about. 

A journey that while I didn't expect it, I've embraced all the possibilities it has opened to me.

It's ironic how as you struggle through the ups and downs in life, that something that is so open and raw most of the time, can allow you to be a better person instead of resorting to being jealous and bitter. 

It has taken some time to get through that phase in this journey, the phase where pregnant woman, new babies, baby clothes and anything baby related can trigger a hatred like no other. It has taken a lot of deep breathes, quiet moments, and crying in the bathroom to get to where I am now. 

I can smile at a pregnant belly. While I yearn to be that person, in my heart I feel I will get there when I am meant to, not a day sooner.

I can dream about things I will do with my future kids, like running around to get them to their activities and Saturday outings as a family. 

I can talk to my favorite people in my life who have the most beautiful children, and I can really love their children with my whole heart instead of feeling bad that I am the only one childless.

There are so many wonderful things I can feel and experience while going through this battle called infertility. I feel I am up to the challenge. Not every moment is my "best" moment, but I move forward with an attitude that I am proud of. 

I am proud of my struggle. I am proud of the strength I can show and I am happy that I am making those important steps to get closer to what I desire. 

When I look back on these moments leading up to my first child, I will be able to smile knowing I was given the tools to overcome infertility. 

Infertility is a part of my life and I am a part of it. It does not change who I am, but strengthens the individual I am meant to be for my future children. 

The Good, The Bad

I always let time pass without writing anything down. I have so many different emotions towards this journey, I would think I'd want to get them out. Instead, I keep them inside until I have to have a moment and cry by myself. Then I move on.

Since the last time I wrote, some things have definitely changed. One thing that hasn't. I'm still infertile and NOT pregnant. But, that's okay.

I've made major steps forward in this journey and have found some answers to questions I've asked multiple times. In february I went ahead with laparoscopic surgery after finding out that I had a uterine septum and polyps. I started to question whether or not I had endometriosis due to certain symptoms, primarily random spotting and continuous back pain. My suspicions were confirmed and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis.

That was a little blow coming out of my medically induced slumber after surgery. I won't lie and say I didn't shed a tear or two, but then I moved on. I healed, I looked for information and I went to my post-op appointment ready to conquer this battle.

My RE seems very optimistic towards our options because I can in fact get pregnant. I've been pregnant before. We are both hoping with a little help from Clomid and IUI that we can stimulate those follicles to grow some strong eggs and have the best sperm meet for a little date.

Like everything else in life, we all have a habit of visiting the well known google. I've seen many articles saying that using Clomid with Stage 4 Endometriosis, doesn't really increase your odds of conception. I am going to ignore that. I want to remain as positive as I can, and just hope that when it's our time, with the right combination- it'll happen.

There is nothing more that I can do besides that, and make myself as healthy as possible for that precious moment. I have been doing great with my new way of eating. I have lost 38 lbs and I'm still planning on going strong. All my blood work has shown improvement and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

I am going to kick infertility's ass one way or another!!!!!

Where We Are Now

Sometimes it feels like this isn't my life. This isn't our struggle. But it is.

Every month I am met with the same awful period reminding me how I can't get pregnant but letting me know it still exists. I finally had enough. Enough waiting, wondering and thinking that I've done something wrong.

I finally went to my first RE appointment. Another reminder that I live the life of infertile. An infertile who ovulates every month, has a regular cycle and for some reason won't get pregnant.

I've spent so many hours crying and feeling sad for myself, I just don't want that anymore.

I want to feel joyous even in our struggle. I want to be happy. I want to look back and smile at all the wonderful things around me.

So I changed the way I think. In order to live a life of happiness even in the darkest moments, we must be positive. While I still get anxious, still have moments of sadness, I don't let it define me. I don't let it steal my thunder. I move on.

I'm taking control of this struggle.

I am so happy I have finally made the steps I need to, to get to our little miracle. I don't know how it will happen or what measures we will have to take. I am ready.

At the same time, I am also ready to take control of myself and my weight. I have joined a weight loss program that I am so excited to be a part of. I want to be healthy, for me, the people I love and our future children. This is my time to make it all happen. No more living vicariously through others, this is my time now.

Progesterone 1st Cycle

So I've been on the progesterone for 11 days. My temperatures have gone up which I feel is a plus. No more all over the place, up and down or spotting randomly through my luteal phase. For the most part, I feel happier, and less moody as if my hormones are stabilizing and not all over the place.

I have had cramping on and off, the lovely sore sisters, and a few pimples here and there. Otherwise, it hasn't been bad.

When I saw my temperature go up today on 11DPO instead of down, it made me happy. Then I went to put in the progesterone gel and I noticed blood. My happiness fell to the floor.

I'm trying to be positive. I don't expect things to just work- although it would be nice. It would be nice to sometimes not have a clue about anything and then one day notice you didn't get your period and BOOM like that....you are pregnant. Thats not my world. I have to be at peace with that in order to continue this journey.

I have to have faith that this will work when it's suppose to and to not force it. It's hard. Not only for me, but for so many other people out there. While I don't wish this on anyone, I sometimes do wish I had anyone in my life to relate to, but I don't. It hurts. A lot.

I've started to look for real people on instagram that are going through this journey, and by finding them- I am starting to not feel so alone. I pray for them just like I hope they pray for me. This is a heartbreaking journey and no one should have to do it alone.

So as I wait the next day or so to see if my period starts while taking progesterone, I will just find other things to focus my attention on. The things in my life that make me happy.

Results & The Plan

So our few weeks of testing has come and gone.

Day 3 blood work- check
HSG- check
SIS (ultrasound)- check
Semen Analysis- check

Everything came back normal. I felt that it would even before I began the testing. I do not know why, but I just did. I wasn't looking for anything to be wrong, it was just a step in the direction we needed to go to starting our family.

I had my consult yesterday with my OB about a plan. She gave me some options after labeling me with that dreaded title "unexplained infertility". The options were;

1) continue trying on our own (which we always will)

2) take clomid and do insemination

3) do insemination by itself

4) get referred to an RE

While her suggestions were valid, I didn't feel we are quite ready to stop trying on our own. So I spoke to her about our thoughts on maybe an implantation issue, and we were given a prescription for progesterone in the form of the crinone vaginal gel...yummy!

She also gave us a script for clomid, in case in a few months we might want to try that. She has first suggested the clomid with insemination because clomid makes your cervical mucous more hostile for the incoming soldiers.

I know there are ways in which you can thin out your CM either by preseed or using robitussin. So maybe we will try that. I don't know yet.

When I went to the pharmacy to get the progesterone which I will hopefully start this cycle once my body decides to ovulate, I though that it was going to be a certain price that I was quoted. Well my doctor wrote the prescription wrong and they needed to verify it. I knew that this medicine can be quite expensive because it's not really covered by insurance. So I had to leave to wait for that and that is when it hit me.

UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY. Great.

I knew it would happen, since we've been trying for well over a year. I'm being positive though. We did get pregnant once even for a split second and I do have much faith that it will happen again. When the time is right. Maybe the progesterone will help, the doctor said "we don't know if it helps but it can't hurt you". Well, there's that then.

I'm not giving up. We deserve to be parents and I hope it happens when my body is ready to support the pregnancy.  We will try these options for a few months, think about the clomid and who knows where we will be by the end of summer. All I know is I'm going to live my life. I'm not going to let this define me. We will work at it until it works.

M-Day

Mother's Day came and went. It was overall a good day. I had my family over after I worked, and we enjoyed a relaxing afternoon.

I made sure I stayed off of facebook for the day and I didn't look until evening when the day was basically over. Glad I did that, a lot of people chose to reveal their new pregnancies. Ahhhh....  oh well.

I have a different opinion on mother's day now and I guess it's due to the fact that we are having a hard time starting our family so I can "be" one. While I feel that all the momma's that have children should definitely get recognition, I feel us "other folk" who may have had lost pregnancies, trying desperately to make our miracles, we deserve a shout out too.

What about the women who have tried for years without their dreams coming true? The ones who have  endured pain and heartache, that have resorted to loving their furry creatures as their children? They deserve to feel special on Mother's Day.

I think when you are on your journey to starting a family, all holidays or special occasions are a little hard to get through. Days that are specifically for mommies and daddies, that's a punch to the gut. I still try my hardest to stay positive, focused and keep my dreams alive, despite the fact that my baby still isn't here.

I try to be supportive to those around me who are able to celebrate these special moments. I try to celebrate with them, and it usually works out that I have a good time. Maybe it's the wine?

No, I love the people in my life. My sister and mother, they are my world. I always have a great time when I am with them and I am so fortunate to have family that I love so much. I just look forward to adding to the mix with a little of our own. To spread the love more.... and grow our family.

I don't know what our future holds, I'm trying really hard to be patient in this process. I often wonder what I did wrong that has made it so difficult for us to have a family, but then I take a step back and I just try to enjoy what I have now. I will have a Mother's Day to celebrate one day, and I look forward to that moment. Every.Single.Day.

Testing, Testing

Today is the day- my HSG. I felt more nervous the last few days leading up to today. I think I've just let it sink in that there will be people down there face first and they do this all the time. A vagina is a vagina. I wish I really believed that!

I will just be happy when this is done and then next Thursday I do the ultrasound. I probably will meet with my doctor the following week to go over everything. I think I might want to do a shot before that visit! What, drinking and driving is against the law?!?

What's writing about this nerve wracking journey if I can't have a little fun with it. It's my way to vent and get all these feelings out. I'd rather my feelings be more humorous than sad anyways. I've cried way too much in the past few years and I just want to enjoy my summer.

Whatever happens from these tests, thats the way my journey is suppose to roll. I just have to go with it,  and make the best out of this situation.

The hubs did his business this morning to drop off- how awkward and unromantic. That is all I will say about that. They are the lucky ones, their testing is not uncomfortable. Wait, how lucky they are all around. They don't have to deal with periods every month, they don't have to deal with any discomfort during pregnancy and they most definitely don't have to push anything out their hole.

So what I'm getting at, which is not new knowledge- I think they make out pretty good in this whole baby making situation. Therefore, when us women are emotional hormonal car wrecks, it is fair game.