Peace

I can finally say with a smile on my face, that I am at peace with where we are in our journey.

It has taken a long time to get to this place, without being a forced notion that I was trying to make myself believe.

I am embracing this time as we live each day as we like, and preparing ourselves for our future.

I am bettering myself, both physically and emotionally and my main focus is my relationship with my husband.

I love him more than I could ever put into words, and every day with him is a complete blessing.

We are trying to put ourselves back on the right path financially so we can hopefully sometime in a year, start trying for our family again. I just accepted a position for a second job in nursing, and while I am sad that my time will be limited, I am happy for the door that opened.

I am still a believer in everything happening when it is suppose to, I am trusting the process and the journey that is already written for me.

I am happy.

Relationships & Infertility

Over the past 3+ years of riding this infertility roller coaster, my eyes have been opened a lot. I've been hurt a lot, disappointed a lot, so basically a lot has been difficult.

Infertility in itself is one of the most difficult journeys, pair that with people who just don't understand and you have yourself a big bullshit sandwich of emotions. Just like everything in life, unless you go through it you cannot comprehend it. With that being said, infertility has been one of the worst and best things to have happened to us. I know, I know best? Let me explain.

It has grown me into a person that I am unbelievably proud of. Even when I have weak moments, I am strong. I still continue to live and find happiness in small things when deep down, my heart always hurts for what it cannot have easily.

I have always felt unbelievably blessed with my choice of my better half, my bestest friend, my husband. As we continue to travel this journey together, the amount of love we have for each other has grown even stronger and more beautiful. How is that even possible? I am so grateful for this man in my life, who loves me as me- defective and all. He stands by me and we continue to make beautiful memories together as we figure out what this life has to offer us.

I know that the people who undoubtedly support us, while it may be few- they are everything to us. Some of the hardest moments in this journey has been when we felt alone, misunderstood, uncared for or forgotten. It is a journey that doesn't seem to end, and who wants to hear the same things over and over? Putting that thought out there, how would you like to live this over and over? Exactly, not many would choose this for themselves.

I didn't choose this, but it chose us. In the heartache, I need to find purpose for this journey. I need to find something to grasp, to make myself understand why something so painfully open and raw, would be our struggle. Why did we have to have a miscarriage? Why do I have to have endometriosis? Why didn't anything work yet? Why do I need to find thousands of dollars to have a chance at a family? Why is this our struggle? Because it is.

I have accepted our struggle. I have accepted that I cannot continue on our journey in the place I'm at and I need to make changes. I am making them. I am always moving forward with every intention to make this work, to make our future brighter and to eventually bring home our rainbow baby.

Taking A Break

There comes a time in every journey, when one must step back and evaluate the whys, whats, wheres, wants, etc etc.

No journey is ever the same, and your own changes daily. The only people that can make the decision to stop their journey for a while, is you. We have come to a time where we need to take a break and focus on something else, besides making a baby.

My endometriosis is in full force because of all the medications we have been injecting this body with. Our bank account is not where it needs to be, but there is something else that has made me need to stop.

The stress and emotional toll this journey of infertility places on a husband and wife team, is immense. I always vowed that I would NOT let it get in the way of the love I have for my husband. A few weeks back, for the first time in 10 years, we had lots of miscommunication, confusion, frustration- and that's when I knew we needed to reevaluate.

Our current treatment for the past 6 months has not worked. It has caused a lot of self doubt and sadness. It has also pushed me to believe more that IVF is our future. I asked my husband the other night if that's what he wanted to do, or if he wanted to adopt. At this time, we want to put all our energy into making the funds to have a chance at a biological child. Who knows where this will lead us, but until that goal is obtained, we will focus on each other, our health and the love that we share.

As I lay on the bed in the fertility clinic, waiting for our last IUI a few weeks ago, I cried. I didn't want to do this anymore. I cried to my husband that I couldn't do this anymore. He understood and he agreed. We are focusing on our lives and hoping that our future is full of beautiful bright adventures.

Will we stop trying to have a family, absolutely not. It's just a little vacation from the journey. A journey that while it is hard, I would travel a million times to get to my miracle.

Is IVF our answer? Who knows

I thought our journey would take a little longer before heading on to the big IVF, but in assuming and hoping for the best, I was wrong.

Before we started injectable medications, my doctor told us we would have three attempts and if that didn't work, then we would be discussing our further option of IVF. Well, due to my severity of endo and my husbands role in our reproductive journey, our doctor thought IVF would bypass both of our issues.

Which means that after this IUI, we will be on a TTC vacation for a while. I need to lose more weight while we try to sell our kidneys to afford this treatment.

I am sad, and I do feel slightly defeated. I will not stop though. One day I will be a mother, and my husband will be a father, it's just taking us the long route. It hurts my heart to know that we can't do it the old fashioned way, but I'm also happy that I live in a time where these medical technologies exist so we can hopefully (fingers crossed) have a chance at making a biological baby in this damn uterus of mine.

It's Never Easy

I've been going to my RE for seven months. Within those seven months, I've had some gains and some losses.

I obviously learned what our main cause for infertility is, the evil monster called endometriosis.

I have struggled with this diagnosis because now I know what all my pain is. Now when I feel the back stabs and the pelvic pain, it's just a reminder that my endometriosis is here to stay and coming back all the damn time. I am not the fortunate case that it doesn't grow back because mine does.

So I consider finding out what really is wrong a gain, but I definitely am having a hard time not thinking that it is a big loss in my infertility battle.

That doesn't mean I don't intend to fight hard against it to grow our family, but it is just that- HARD.

We have done 4 medicated cycles so far, three with clomid and one with injectibles. Here I sit at the end of my two week wait and I feel defeated.

I know that we haven't done a lot of cycles, but for some reason I just don't feel like IUIs are our answer. I don't know why and I wish I could feel differently.

This last IUI, they found that something might be wrong with my left tube. It was open and patent last year during my HSG. It was open this february when I had my LAP done so it just really threw me through a loop when they said it looks dilated.

I've spent the past week mourning my left tube when it reality, I don't know if anything is wrong with it. I have to wait until the cycle is over to have another HSG- and while I don't want to waste time- I am looking forward to not having to go back and forth to the RE next month. Maybe I can pretend this isn't my life or our struggle. Nope, that's not going to happen.

Whatever happens over the course of the next few months, I just have to go with it. It doesn't get easier though. I am trying to be at peace with the knowing that we are not going to have a child anytime soon.  Trying to focus on the other things that need to be done in our lives. I need to focus on being a healthier person for whenever it is my time to carry a child. I just hope that it is possible one day.

Faith

After every failed cycle, every prayer, and every tear you shed- you have days where you think you can't go on. You don't think you can go through another month, more medications, more procedures and end up with the same thing you started off with, no pregnancy.

Then you have the days that truly matter. The days when you are not blinded by your sadness and emotions, where you know you will continue on until your dream of motherhood comes to life. These are the days I live for. The days where in my heart I know I deserve to have children. I just don't know when or how it will happen. That is what scares me the most though, the unknown. Whether it be the amount of time it takes, or the miracle combination of science and faith in a higher being. What is my journey that is already written for me?

I believe that I am on the path I'm suppose to be on, to get to the place I desire most. That doesn't mean I don't question why this is my struggle. I know that we all have them, and the only thing we can do through any of it, is live day by day and hope for a bright future. He does not give more to us than we can handle and I am trying to be strong through this.

For now, I will put my trust in someone I can't see, but hope has the best intentions for this life.

Clomotional

When you are going through fertility treatments, you just never know which way is up when it comes to your emotions. Your moods change from happy to irate to upset in less than 60 seconds flat. I got upset looking at a dead worm today.

Is it because I took the drugs? Are my hormones that messed up? Could I be pregnant? All the typical thoughts of an infertile when she just can't get a grasp on what the hell she is feeling. To put it bluntly, it just sucks.

Some days you feel great, other days there is a cloud over your head just waiting for you to cry buckets. Sometimes over nothing, other times when you realize where you are in your cycle, and you fear the worst. It didn't work.

I read something on a post forum, the lady wrote "we call it clomotional in our house" and that right there was one of the funniest and most true statements ever. Maybe not to a normal fertile myrtle, but to us folks whose reproductive systems are a complete mystery- that is some funny stuff.

It's kind of sad that we have to find humor to get us through the ups and downs of this struggle. If I didn't have my humor, I would most definitely be lying in my bed with the covers over my head, crying those buckets I was talking about before.

Instead, I went to try on clothes and look at stuff I can't buy because fertility treatment costs rule your life. Some days I browse through the clearance sections of the baby clothes, other days I avoid all eye contact with the section. Today was one of the latter.

You just never know when you wake up in the morning, if its going to be a good day or a crying fit kind of day. I try to make the best out of all moods, but I am human and it sometimes gets the best of me.

I just wish sometimes during all this, we could have a sign of some type, that says just around the corner is your happy place bundle of pure joy. It would make it easier. If you could get a card in the mail from God, that just says estimated time of arrival of positive pregnancy test: 6 months. It would make all this pain seem more bearable to just have some sort of insight to the inner workings of a miracle.

As we all know, the birds and the bees + a little science, just doesn't work that way. Oh, infertility- you have won again, for now.