It is a constant struggle. This desire to feel better in my skin, to lose weight and find a middle ground with my love for food. I have to plan out my days eats the night before or the morning of, and even though I have a game plan....I veer off of it on occasion. More than I would like to admit, but this is my truth.
I've been doing really good this week when it comes to moving. I've made my husband be my accountability and support. I text him when I start exercising and I've told him he needs to ask if I've done my workout if I haven't let him know. Just yesterday as I was hitting a brick wall and going to lay on my bed for a few minutes...."Did you workout?" appeared on my screen. No dear, but I will after I take a minute. That's all it took. I got up, put on my workout clothes and got to sweating.
We all have our reason for gaining the weight. Boredom, depression, no motivation, or suppressing feelings that should be confronted, in a bag of chips. There are many things that can cause us to fall back into old habits. As my husband and I were driving the other day he said "You put on your happy weight"... well hunny, this is NOT happy weight. This is the weight I gained from being UNhappy. Not with him, but with our schedules, our lifestyle.
Here I sit with those excuses....and our schedules and lifestyle have changed but I've still gained weight. So what exactly is it that leaves me unmotivated? What is it in my brain that tells me that its okay to eat 2.5 servings of sour patch watermelons in one sitting? Am I proud of that, no.... but I did count it on my daily calories so there is some progress. I am being honest and trying my best to make better decisions. But is it my best. No, it's not. Who am I kidding? Myself.
My best is 8 years ago, when I was eating healthy, exercising almost every day. I was putting myself first in front of all other things. I felt great. What happened? I met the man of me dream when I felt my best and he's right by my side now.... 70+ pounds later. He still loves me, when I don't love myself. If I did, I'd take better care of the body that is suppose to lead me into my 80s and 90s.
I want to live that long. I want to have children and be able to play with them without being short of breath or sweating like a beast. It's embarrassing. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to come up with excuses for myself.
Despite these feelings, I am not a sad person. I'm happy.... I love my husband, my house, my dogs, my family and friends. I can be happier. I need to love myself again. I'm proud of my husband for asking me if I worked out yesterday. I'm proud of myself for not biting his head off and taking his cue to get my ass on that treadmill.
I am proud of myself for recognizing that I am the only one who can change this body. The only one who can allow it to take me farther in this life.
So I'm going to take my proud ass off this computer and get moving.
