Onto the Next

April 24th 2012- The day my heart shattered into little pieces as I learned that my pregnancy was over.

Two years later, my first medicated cycle deemed a bust. What are the odds? I don't really know.

I do know, as I venture on in this emotionally draining journey, who I can count on. I know who will be there to listen to me cry, talking about things as if I'm a broken record, and love me on my darkest days. That also means, I know who will not and that's okay.

As we move onto our next cycle- I feel I need to be more quiet on this journey with certain people. I know, that in order for me to not get upset with their lack of respect for me and this process, I need to block them out. I do not need nor appreciate any negative energy.

I have a hard enough fight to win so that my husband and I can bring home our baby. I have odds against me and I feel as if I'm a ticking time bomb. Every new cycle- all I here in my head is tick tock tick tock. I hate that. I hate this.

I found myself saying to my mom and sister over the past few days, I'm tired already. We just started up again in the TTC phase, after having a long break. That break was well needed. It brought me to this place, a place where I now know what is wrong with me. Why my body has failed at creating my dream come true. Now that we have completed a failed cycle- I'm already tired? I'm sure it's a combination of fertility medications + regular lady period hormones.

I am proud to say that as quick as I fall into that deep dark place, I pick myself up. I stop crying, I stop thinking so negatively and I try to get back to my happy place. What happened over the last month is now history and time to move on.

My life is now centered around my period. It is now separated into two week intervals. The first two weeks, a combination of hating my period and hoping and praying that the medications are doing their job. The second two weeks, praying like crazy that for once my body does what it was meant to do.

I am fortunate to have the man by my side that I do- he lets me cry, tries to comfort me and also gives me my space when needed. He is my world. I am grateful for him every day, even in moments where I am at my worst- he still loves me. That is a true blessing.

Our Angel Guides Us

It's a word that you hear about- but a statistic you never think you might be part of.

It's an event in your life that changes you.

It is something that you will never forget.

It has been two years since I have seen two little pink lines. It has been two years full of tears, frustration, false hope and sadness.

As I approach the anniversary of losing our little bean, I am filled with mixed emotions. We are moving forward with our infertility treatment, and the potential promise of a child is lingering. It makes me smile sometimes. Then I think about what would have been at this point, a bouncy happy 16 month old child- and tears run down my face.

I didn't even have a chance to enjoy being pregnant for that short time. From the moment I found out, I knew something was wrong. I held onto hope, and when my fears came true- I allowed myself to grieve. I still grieve, just differently.

I won't forget the journey that we've had to travel. Ever. It has changed me, my relationships, but it has not broken me. I still dream about our what ifs, I still want to picture a house full of kids. Although it hurts that our arms are still empty, we fill each other with joy and keep our faith, that it will happen.

We are going to follow our hearts until we experience the joy of parenthood. No matter where it leads us. May I be able to find some peace in this journey, through helping others. That is what I am drawn to do.

I will rest easy, that good days will be coming. I do not know when, but our journey is already laid out and we must just follow in his footsteps.

I have hope that our angel is guiding us.

Waiting.....

It has been an interesting few days since I started my first round of treatment. The Clomid really didn't cause too many side effects which I am grateful for. I did feel somewhat irate at times, but I think that's due in part to a sick husband and no sleep for a few days.

I had an emotional meltdown yesterday morning when I thought our cycle was going to be a bust. The husband has been sick for 9 days, and wasn't getting any better. I'm hoping our steps in natural treatment have proved effective, because my heart hurt yesterday.

I am in a better place today, with whatever way this cycle goes. I know that these things happen, and while I am saddened if I've taken medication for nothing- I'm still moving forward in one way or another. I can't blame my husband, and I don't. It's just how the cards were dealt.

On another note- it makes me sad to even type this, but my first fur-child got hit by a car today. All three of the dogs jumped on the front screen door, and it opened. I was able to grab two out of the three, being that I only have two hands and my Tucker got away and ran into the road. He seems to be ok, but I am keeping a close eye on him. He is very lucky to be alive right now, and I am forever grateful for whoever was looking out for him and us.

So now I wait, in limbo (like always) to see if we get to try this month or have to wait again. I'm trying to keep my spirits up, we shall see!