It's a word that you hear about- but a statistic you never think you might be part of.
It's an event in your life that changes you.
It is something that you will never forget.
It has been two years since I have seen two little pink lines. It has been two years full of tears, frustration, false hope and sadness.
As I approach the anniversary of losing our little bean, I am filled with mixed emotions. We are moving forward with our infertility treatment, and the potential promise of a child is lingering. It makes me smile sometimes. Then I think about what would have been at this point, a bouncy happy 16 month old child- and tears run down my face.
I didn't even have a chance to enjoy being pregnant for that short time. From the moment I found out, I knew something was wrong. I held onto hope, and when my fears came true- I allowed myself to grieve. I still grieve, just differently.
I won't forget the journey that we've had to travel. Ever. It has changed me, my relationships, but it has not broken me. I still dream about our what ifs, I still want to picture a house full of kids. Although it hurts that our arms are still empty, we fill each other with joy and keep our faith, that it will happen.
We are going to follow our hearts until we experience the joy of parenthood. No matter where it leads us. May I be able to find some peace in this journey, through helping others. That is what I am drawn to do.
I will rest easy, that good days will be coming. I do not know when, but our journey is already laid out and we must just follow in his footsteps.
I have hope that our angel is guiding us.
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