Over the past 3+ years of riding this infertility roller coaster, my eyes have been opened a lot. I've been hurt a lot, disappointed a lot, so basically a lot has been difficult.
Infertility in itself is one of the most difficult journeys, pair that with people who just don't understand and you have yourself a big bullshit sandwich of emotions. Just like everything in life, unless you go through it you cannot comprehend it. With that being said, infertility has been one of the worst and best things to have happened to us. I know, I know best? Let me explain.
It has grown me into a person that I am unbelievably proud of. Even when I have weak moments, I am strong. I still continue to live and find happiness in small things when deep down, my heart always hurts for what it cannot have easily.
I have always felt unbelievably blessed with my choice of my better half, my bestest friend, my husband. As we continue to travel this journey together, the amount of love we have for each other has grown even stronger and more beautiful. How is that even possible? I am so grateful for this man in my life, who loves me as me- defective and all. He stands by me and we continue to make beautiful memories together as we figure out what this life has to offer us.
I know that the people who undoubtedly support us, while it may be few- they are everything to us. Some of the hardest moments in this journey has been when we felt alone, misunderstood, uncared for or forgotten. It is a journey that doesn't seem to end, and who wants to hear the same things over and over? Putting that thought out there, how would you like to live this over and over? Exactly, not many would choose this for themselves.
I didn't choose this, but it chose us. In the heartache, I need to find purpose for this journey. I need to find something to grasp, to make myself understand why something so painfully open and raw, would be our struggle. Why did we have to have a miscarriage? Why do I have to have endometriosis? Why didn't anything work yet? Why do I need to find thousands of dollars to have a chance at a family? Why is this our struggle? Because it is.
I have accepted our struggle. I have accepted that I cannot continue on our journey in the place I'm at and I need to make changes. I am making them. I am always moving forward with every intention to make this work, to make our future brighter and to eventually bring home our rainbow baby.
