A Loss, Other than a Pound

I started this blog a few days before I found out I was pregnant. I had found out my sister was pregnant and being the only one I know now without a baby, I became very sad and decided I just needed to take care of me. I was determined.

Then I got a positive pregnancy test. A week later, I started to miscarry.

The sadness I feel for the loss of my very first pregnancy, it can cut you with a knife. Of course I'm going to think it was my fault. My doctor reassured me it wasn't. While I understand it, I can't help but think that it has something to do with my weight.

I know there are others out there that are maybe a little less, the same, or more than me that have healthy pregnancies. I guess I'm just looking for a reason that I can change. My weight.

It's hard to want so many different things at the same time and feel overwhelmed by it. I want a new job, to lose weight and have a baby. I have to pick my battles. The thing I want the most, is a child.

I want to be a mommy. I deserve to be a mommy. So I have to start treating myself like I will be a mommy. I have to be better to my body so it can hold and protect a pregnancy.

I'm trying to be strong, but I have my moments. It is expected. I can never say my future child was my first pregnancy, because I've lost my first. It is so upsetting to say it that way. We are trying to find the positives in it all.

Throughout life we are given many obstacles, I look forward to our future with a more positive outcome.

There is no PLAN

I'm not going to go on a crash diet to get to a healthy weight. That makes no sense. To be healthy, you have to eat healthy, and do activities that make you healthy. A crash diet is not in any way a part of those two concepts.

A crash diet is one that you restrict the types of foods you eat, the amount of calories you take it, and most importantly the proper nutrients that your body needs. That doesn't sound like a good idea for keeping your body energized and alive.

I've spent a lot of time and money on different diet/programs out there. To name a few, Weight Watchers, Adkins, South Beach, The Belly Fat Cure, The Fat Flush Plan, The Zone Diet.... in all honestly, out of the 28 years of my life, I almost feel I've tried some sort of diet plan, and failed except for once.

When I was in nursing school, I finally had enough of being unhealthy. So I chose to do something about it. I chose to eat healthier and I chose to exercise every day. I lost over 70 pounds and felt wonderful. After graduating from nursing school, I have gained the weight back. Every year, more weight has crept back onto this 5 foot 1 inch frame. WAY too much weight.

I am now in the morbidly obese category of weight ranges. It makes me sad. I am the only one that has let this happen, and I am the only one who can change it. It isn't going to be easy, but I am willing to do the work. I want to feel good about myself. I want to look in the mirror and not cringe. I want to be able to pull clothes out of my closet and go. I want to be able to stand naked in front of my husband and not feel ugly, or cover up my stomach with a shirt.

Most importantly, I don't want this short life to pass me by and at the end say to myself "I didn't do all the things I wanted because I was heavy."

While there is no exact plan to follow, I know what I want to do. I want to eat the foods I love, with a healthy twist. I want to feel empowered and energetic by the exercises and activities I choose to do. I don't want to restrict myself from food groups because that only leads to boring, binges and failure. Been there, done that.

Last, I want to be accountable. I may not want people in my life to know my weight right now. But I'm willing to stare that number in the face and post it daily for strangers to see. Hopefully someone stumbles upon this blog, and supports me in my journey. If not, I always have myself....and it's time to love that person all the way through.

The Right Time

When is the right time to make a big change? Yesterday. So tomorrow will be my yesterday.

I've spent the past 6 years gaining weight. I've spent countless times saying "I'm so fat, the diet starts tomorrow," starting said diet and then using some lame excuse to justify why I should be allowed a cheat day.

One cheat day becomes a new way of eating unhealthy. Over and over again.

As many times as I ask my husband to tell me no when I'm determined to stay on plan, he doesn't. I shouldn't expect him to, it's not his job.

My yesterday starts with me, continues with me, and ends with me. I want to be my yesterday.