I started this blog a few days before I found out I was pregnant. I had found out my sister was pregnant and being the only one I know now without a baby, I became very sad and decided I just needed to take care of me. I was determined.
Then I got a positive pregnancy test. A week later, I started to miscarry.
The sadness I feel for the loss of my very first pregnancy, it can cut you with a knife. Of course I'm going to think it was my fault. My doctor reassured me it wasn't. While I understand it, I can't help but think that it has something to do with my weight.
I know there are others out there that are maybe a little less, the same, or more than me that have healthy pregnancies. I guess I'm just looking for a reason that I can change. My weight.
It's hard to want so many different things at the same time and feel overwhelmed by it. I want a new job, to lose weight and have a baby. I have to pick my battles. The thing I want the most, is a child.
I want to be a mommy. I deserve to be a mommy. So I have to start treating myself like I will be a mommy. I have to be better to my body so it can hold and protect a pregnancy.
I'm trying to be strong, but I have my moments. It is expected. I can never say my future child was my first pregnancy, because I've lost my first. It is so upsetting to say it that way. We are trying to find the positives in it all.
Throughout life we are given many obstacles, I look forward to our future with a more positive outcome.
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