I Will Wait for You

Driving home today after just taking a short ride to pick up a delicious iced coffee (most likely my last one during the week-time to get cracking on healthier habits) the song that says over and over I will wait for you, I will wait for you came on. Needless to say, I cried instantly but it wasn't really out of sadness. More like a realization that I will wait for you, our first child until we are both healthy to make you, a healthy little bean that can grow inside my tummy for 10 months.

I will wait to pee on a stick and see those lovely two lines and know that you will stay with us.

I will wait to know that at our first ultrasound, we will hear your strong healthy heart beat singing back to us.

I will wait until you are strong and healthy to come into this world and allows us to be your parents.

I will wait however long it takes, for you to be ours.

This road hasn't been easy, and I know it won't be until you are in my arms, looking up at me. Then the road will change, and it won't be easy for different reasons. I will wait for that time, for when he is ready, he will give you to us.

I will wait for you.

The Plan

I think I hyped myself up for the appointment I had today. I actually cried some on the way to the doctors and now looking back on how the appointment went down, I feel slightly silly.

In the first 10 minutes of seeing my doctor, we already have a plan. There is no more waiting and we should be able to get all the testing done this upcoming cycle.

Since I had my annual exam with another doctor in October and then some 7dpo blood work, we aren't going to be doing that again. I had brought in my results today, which seemed to be helpful to her. I will be going in for day 3 blood work to check my FSH and testosterone levels.

I should be getting a call today or tomorrow to set up a day to have my saline ultrasound and then when I get my period, I'll be scheduling my HSG.

I have all the information I need for the hub's analysis and hopefully that can be done this week or next.

I don't know what any of these tests will come back with, but I am glad that we are going in the right direction. My doctor was very hopeful because I do ovulate and I'm going to remain positive throughout this whole process.

One day I will get pregnant, I will hold my first baby in my arms..... and we are one step closer. That's how I want to think during this process.

Good things come to those who wait, right?

Nervous But Relieved

I am a week away from going to my doctors to discuss what our future will entail. Blood tests, ultrasounds, HSGs, sperm analysis (obviously for the hubs!).....is what I'm assuming, but who knows.

All I do know is that she better have a game plan once we talk, because we are on our 25th cycle and here I am still just UNpregnant (if thats a word!)

I don't have the patience to just wait it out because I haven't been to her in over a year. It's been a year since our first pregnancy, which ended in a very early miscarriage. It's time to get to the root of our infertility problems.

I am nervous. I'm nervous that she won't want to get the testing started. I'm anticipating hearing that I'm too overweight and that is the cause of my problems. I think that is bullshit. If that is her first response, than I'm going to politely state my feelings and if she doesn't bite in a more positive way, then I'm jumping ship.

I'm nervous that we have more problems that can't be solved without having to go towards a very expensive IVF. I'm scared. I'm upset.

But I'm also relieved that I've given in and decided that its time to get this started. I've allowed myself to realize that it isn't going to work right now. So I'm trying to focus on myself, my husband, our house and our life.

My 30th birthday is this friday, and I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks because I'm approaching a new decade. A decade that will eventually lead to growing our family, one way or another.

I've decided to distance myself from things that upset me, and while I feel bad that it also consists of certain people, I'm only doing it to save my feelings and our relationships. I don't want to be bitter towards people because they have something I am struggling to get. It's not their fault and I would like to only be happy for them, and not jealous. I know in time things will get better and I'll be a more positive person..... I just need to be patient.

So I'm going to celebrate this week, because after monday things will change. I hope it will be for the better, but we have to be realistic, especially after the journey so far.

I will probably be nervous as all hell going to my appointment on monday, but I hope I leave with a sense of control that I'm doing what I'm suppose to to create our little miracle. Until then, I'll just believe.

One Step at a Time

There are so many thoughts that run through your mind all day long.

What am I making for dinner? Did the dogs go potty? Did I fold the laundry? What do I have to do this week? Are the bills paid? Blahblahblah.

I never thought my brain would be full of these types of questions though.

Did I do something wrong? Why can't I get pregnant? Will I ever have a child? Am I being punished? Why do I have to smile for everyone else's happiness when I'm dying inside?

All.Day.Long. It is a constant battle to stay on the positive band wagon. Sometimes I want to jump head first into the negative nilly wagon and just say mean things to those around me. It's awful to say. I don't want malice in my heart. I truly love those around me and I'm happy for all the good things that happen to them. I'm just jealous. Straight out.

I don't like this feeling. I've never felt it before. I've always had an open mind and just gone and gotten the things I wanted. I worked damn hard for those things and I had set backs. Nothing was every sugar coated and wonderful....but I made my life and I've been proud. I don't know how to do this some days. I don't know how to listen to people around me talk about their kids and mommy-hood, while my heart breaks over and over.

It's not a one time heart broken scenario, this one. Every time I think of my miscarriage, every time I remember I'm in the same month bad things happened, every time I hear someone is pregnant, every time I see how happy those around me are....my heart feels like it's breaking over and over. I hate it.

I try really hard to be positive. To think that it will happen when the time is right and my story with children is suppose to start. Every month I'm flipping that page, hoping for the best but secretly feeling like my happy page just isn't coming. It blows.

I'm trying very hard to hold my head high and just embrace the beautiful life I have in front of me. Some days it is hard. Some days I really don't like myself and my broken lady parts. I don't truly know how broken they are, but they don't work right. I am looking forward to trying to figure out what is wrong and maybe when I feel in control of that process, I will feel better. One step at a time and one foot in front of the other. It is the only thing I can do.

I can also pray that this won't be my life forever. That one wonderful and magical day will come around and I will be blessed with the best news. Until then, I'll smile at the blooming flowers and hold my husband just a little bit tighter. For it is his presence that fills my heart with love.

The Call

I feel like I am reliving last year and it sucks. Why why why?!? Everyone around me gets pregnant so easily and it just isn't working for us. A year ago,  I find out I was pregnant and then the spotting started. Everyone around me was celebrating their pregnancies and I was crumbling. Here I am again, in April a year later, all those around me are playing with their babies and I just finally made "the call."

The call to my doctor to say this isn't working.

It has been 24 cycles since we started to try for our first little miracle. Every month, instead of two beautiful pink lines, I am greeted with my period. Definitely not beautiful.

To say I feel crushed, basically sums up all my feelings into one word. Im frustrated, sad, disappointed, mad, resentful, upset, defeated.

I am not giving up though. All those feelings, while I may have them, I do know that there is a plan for us and I just have to learn to accept how I feel and try to be patient with the process.

I know this journey isn't going to be easy, it hasn't been so far. But I also know that I have a wonderful man besides me who is cheering us both on. It breaks my heart that I am not making him a dad yet. But I will.

I am going to limit my talking to certain individuals to a minimum because it just upsets me more. I know who I can confide in, cry with, who won't judge me or piss me off.

They never said life was perfect, this is our fight. We are going to win it, one way or another.