One Step at a Time

There are so many thoughts that run through your mind all day long.

What am I making for dinner? Did the dogs go potty? Did I fold the laundry? What do I have to do this week? Are the bills paid? Blahblahblah.

I never thought my brain would be full of these types of questions though.

Did I do something wrong? Why can't I get pregnant? Will I ever have a child? Am I being punished? Why do I have to smile for everyone else's happiness when I'm dying inside?

All.Day.Long. It is a constant battle to stay on the positive band wagon. Sometimes I want to jump head first into the negative nilly wagon and just say mean things to those around me. It's awful to say. I don't want malice in my heart. I truly love those around me and I'm happy for all the good things that happen to them. I'm just jealous. Straight out.

I don't like this feeling. I've never felt it before. I've always had an open mind and just gone and gotten the things I wanted. I worked damn hard for those things and I had set backs. Nothing was every sugar coated and wonderful....but I made my life and I've been proud. I don't know how to do this some days. I don't know how to listen to people around me talk about their kids and mommy-hood, while my heart breaks over and over.

It's not a one time heart broken scenario, this one. Every time I think of my miscarriage, every time I remember I'm in the same month bad things happened, every time I hear someone is pregnant, every time I see how happy those around me are....my heart feels like it's breaking over and over. I hate it.

I try really hard to be positive. To think that it will happen when the time is right and my story with children is suppose to start. Every month I'm flipping that page, hoping for the best but secretly feeling like my happy page just isn't coming. It blows.

I'm trying very hard to hold my head high and just embrace the beautiful life I have in front of me. Some days it is hard. Some days I really don't like myself and my broken lady parts. I don't truly know how broken they are, but they don't work right. I am looking forward to trying to figure out what is wrong and maybe when I feel in control of that process, I will feel better. One step at a time and one foot in front of the other. It is the only thing I can do.

I can also pray that this won't be my life forever. That one wonderful and magical day will come around and I will be blessed with the best news. Until then, I'll smile at the blooming flowers and hold my husband just a little bit tighter. For it is his presence that fills my heart with love.