After every failed cycle, every prayer, and every tear you shed- you have days where you think you can't go on. You don't think you can go through another month, more medications, more procedures and end up with the same thing you started off with, no pregnancy.
Then you have the days that truly matter. The days when you are not blinded by your sadness and emotions, where you know you will continue on until your dream of motherhood comes to life. These are the days I live for. The days where in my heart I know I deserve to have children. I just don't know when or how it will happen. That is what scares me the most though, the unknown. Whether it be the amount of time it takes, or the miracle combination of science and faith in a higher being. What is my journey that is already written for me?
I believe that I am on the path I'm suppose to be on, to get to the place I desire most. That doesn't mean I don't question why this is my struggle. I know that we all have them, and the only thing we can do through any of it, is live day by day and hope for a bright future. He does not give more to us than we can handle and I am trying to be strong through this.
For now, I will put my trust in someone I can't see, but hope has the best intentions for this life.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Clomotional
When you are going through fertility treatments, you just never know which way is up when it comes to your emotions. Your moods change from happy to irate to upset in less than 60 seconds flat. I got upset looking at a dead worm today.
Is it because I took the drugs? Are my hormones that messed up? Could I be pregnant? All the typical thoughts of an infertile when she just can't get a grasp on what the hell she is feeling. To put it bluntly, it just sucks.
Some days you feel great, other days there is a cloud over your head just waiting for you to cry buckets. Sometimes over nothing, other times when you realize where you are in your cycle, and you fear the worst. It didn't work.
I read something on a post forum, the lady wrote "we call it clomotional in our house" and that right there was one of the funniest and most true statements ever. Maybe not to a normal fertile myrtle, but to us folks whose reproductive systems are a complete mystery- that is some funny stuff.
It's kind of sad that we have to find humor to get us through the ups and downs of this struggle. If I didn't have my humor, I would most definitely be lying in my bed with the covers over my head, crying those buckets I was talking about before.
Instead, I went to try on clothes and look at stuff I can't buy because fertility treatment costs rule your life. Some days I browse through the clearance sections of the baby clothes, other days I avoid all eye contact with the section. Today was one of the latter.
You just never know when you wake up in the morning, if its going to be a good day or a crying fit kind of day. I try to make the best out of all moods, but I am human and it sometimes gets the best of me.
I just wish sometimes during all this, we could have a sign of some type, that says just around the corner is your happy place bundle of pure joy. It would make it easier. If you could get a card in the mail from God, that just says estimated time of arrival of positive pregnancy test: 6 months. It would make all this pain seem more bearable to just have some sort of insight to the inner workings of a miracle.
As we all know, the birds and the bees + a little science, just doesn't work that way. Oh, infertility- you have won again, for now.
Is it because I took the drugs? Are my hormones that messed up? Could I be pregnant? All the typical thoughts of an infertile when she just can't get a grasp on what the hell she is feeling. To put it bluntly, it just sucks.
Some days you feel great, other days there is a cloud over your head just waiting for you to cry buckets. Sometimes over nothing, other times when you realize where you are in your cycle, and you fear the worst. It didn't work.
I read something on a post forum, the lady wrote "we call it clomotional in our house" and that right there was one of the funniest and most true statements ever. Maybe not to a normal fertile myrtle, but to us folks whose reproductive systems are a complete mystery- that is some funny stuff.
It's kind of sad that we have to find humor to get us through the ups and downs of this struggle. If I didn't have my humor, I would most definitely be lying in my bed with the covers over my head, crying those buckets I was talking about before.
Instead, I went to try on clothes and look at stuff I can't buy because fertility treatment costs rule your life. Some days I browse through the clearance sections of the baby clothes, other days I avoid all eye contact with the section. Today was one of the latter.
You just never know when you wake up in the morning, if its going to be a good day or a crying fit kind of day. I try to make the best out of all moods, but I am human and it sometimes gets the best of me.
I just wish sometimes during all this, we could have a sign of some type, that says just around the corner is your happy place bundle of pure joy. It would make it easier. If you could get a card in the mail from God, that just says estimated time of arrival of positive pregnancy test: 6 months. It would make all this pain seem more bearable to just have some sort of insight to the inner workings of a miracle.
As we all know, the birds and the bees + a little science, just doesn't work that way. Oh, infertility- you have won again, for now.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Thoughts on Day 21
We finally had our real first round of treatment this cycle. I took 50 mg of clomid days 3-7, had blood work and ultrasound on day 10 which showed three follicles on the right ovary. I had to go for blood work every day for the next 4 days to allow us to see my LH surge. Last month when we weren't able to do our IUI, it was because I never got a + on the smiley face opk. We had missed our window.
On day 13, I finally got the surge we were looking for so we went in for our IUI Wednesday morning. I wore my lucky socks, put on all my lucky jewelry and brought my lucky stone that has "Believe" engraved on it.
The DH's sample was good- I still had 3 follicles that had been growing on the right side, the largest was at a nice 28mm! We decided to name it Faith for good luck. Then we had our first IUI :-) That was cycle day 14.
On cycle day 15, I still hadn't ovulated- which is typically abnormal for me so I got all upset thinking that my large and in charge follicle was actually a cyst. But, later that night I had a lot of pain in my right lower back that went down my leg. The next morning I finally had a temperature spike. I had ovulated!
Today is day 21. I had asked to go in for blood work to see if the clomid has made a difference in my progesterone levels. The doctor has diagnosed me, on top of the lovely stage 4 endometriosis with luteal phase deficiency. The only progesterone level that I have seen was 1 1/2 years ago and was 8.2. I am praying that I receive a phone call with good numbers. But if for some chance I do not, the reason I asked for the blood work was to allow us all (me and my infertility team) to have more information about the plan going into our second IUI- if that is what is meant to happen.
My thoughts on this entire cycle are both positive and at the same time I feel indifferent. I would love to sit here and be a joyous, very positive Melissa but my past experience with loss and monthly heartache leaves me guarded. I so want this to work for us, I am so ready for my little miracle. Realistically, it's going to happen when it's meant to and not a day sooner.
At this time I sometimes feel robbed of the excitement others get to feel when they miss a period and get pregnant by accident. The sheer joy of having it work when you finally plan to start a family, leaves me wondering why not us? I still have issues feeling jealous of all those women out there who just don't understand the difficulty and heartache of infertility and loss. I try really hard not to feel this way and I most certainly do not wish this on anyone, ever. I am human and sometimes I can't help how I feel. I know that I have become a different person with this struggle, and I hope someday it all makes sense.
I'm trying to keep busy today, but as the time ticks away and my phone call is mere hours away, I am getting nervous. I have to remind myself that what will be, will be. I can't change the number right now. I can just pray that it helps in some way to allow me to become a mother one day.
On day 13, I finally got the surge we were looking for so we went in for our IUI Wednesday morning. I wore my lucky socks, put on all my lucky jewelry and brought my lucky stone that has "Believe" engraved on it.
The DH's sample was good- I still had 3 follicles that had been growing on the right side, the largest was at a nice 28mm! We decided to name it Faith for good luck. Then we had our first IUI :-) That was cycle day 14.
On cycle day 15, I still hadn't ovulated- which is typically abnormal for me so I got all upset thinking that my large and in charge follicle was actually a cyst. But, later that night I had a lot of pain in my right lower back that went down my leg. The next morning I finally had a temperature spike. I had ovulated!
Today is day 21. I had asked to go in for blood work to see if the clomid has made a difference in my progesterone levels. The doctor has diagnosed me, on top of the lovely stage 4 endometriosis with luteal phase deficiency. The only progesterone level that I have seen was 1 1/2 years ago and was 8.2. I am praying that I receive a phone call with good numbers. But if for some chance I do not, the reason I asked for the blood work was to allow us all (me and my infertility team) to have more information about the plan going into our second IUI- if that is what is meant to happen.
My thoughts on this entire cycle are both positive and at the same time I feel indifferent. I would love to sit here and be a joyous, very positive Melissa but my past experience with loss and monthly heartache leaves me guarded. I so want this to work for us, I am so ready for my little miracle. Realistically, it's going to happen when it's meant to and not a day sooner.
At this time I sometimes feel robbed of the excitement others get to feel when they miss a period and get pregnant by accident. The sheer joy of having it work when you finally plan to start a family, leaves me wondering why not us? I still have issues feeling jealous of all those women out there who just don't understand the difficulty and heartache of infertility and loss. I try really hard not to feel this way and I most certainly do not wish this on anyone, ever. I am human and sometimes I can't help how I feel. I know that I have become a different person with this struggle, and I hope someday it all makes sense.
I'm trying to keep busy today, but as the time ticks away and my phone call is mere hours away, I am getting nervous. I have to remind myself that what will be, will be. I can't change the number right now. I can just pray that it helps in some way to allow me to become a mother one day.
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