Where We Are Now

Sometimes it feels like this isn't my life. This isn't our struggle. But it is.

Every month I am met with the same awful period reminding me how I can't get pregnant but letting me know it still exists. I finally had enough. Enough waiting, wondering and thinking that I've done something wrong.

I finally went to my first RE appointment. Another reminder that I live the life of infertile. An infertile who ovulates every month, has a regular cycle and for some reason won't get pregnant.

I've spent so many hours crying and feeling sad for myself, I just don't want that anymore.

I want to feel joyous even in our struggle. I want to be happy. I want to look back and smile at all the wonderful things around me.

So I changed the way I think. In order to live a life of happiness even in the darkest moments, we must be positive. While I still get anxious, still have moments of sadness, I don't let it define me. I don't let it steal my thunder. I move on.

I'm taking control of this struggle.

I am so happy I have finally made the steps I need to, to get to our little miracle. I don't know how it will happen or what measures we will have to take. I am ready.

At the same time, I am also ready to take control of myself and my weight. I have joined a weight loss program that I am so excited to be a part of. I want to be healthy, for me, the people I love and our future children. This is my time to make it all happen. No more living vicariously through others, this is my time now.

Progesterone 1st Cycle

So I've been on the progesterone for 11 days. My temperatures have gone up which I feel is a plus. No more all over the place, up and down or spotting randomly through my luteal phase. For the most part, I feel happier, and less moody as if my hormones are stabilizing and not all over the place.

I have had cramping on and off, the lovely sore sisters, and a few pimples here and there. Otherwise, it hasn't been bad.

When I saw my temperature go up today on 11DPO instead of down, it made me happy. Then I went to put in the progesterone gel and I noticed blood. My happiness fell to the floor.

I'm trying to be positive. I don't expect things to just work- although it would be nice. It would be nice to sometimes not have a clue about anything and then one day notice you didn't get your period and BOOM like that....you are pregnant. Thats not my world. I have to be at peace with that in order to continue this journey.

I have to have faith that this will work when it's suppose to and to not force it. It's hard. Not only for me, but for so many other people out there. While I don't wish this on anyone, I sometimes do wish I had anyone in my life to relate to, but I don't. It hurts. A lot.

I've started to look for real people on instagram that are going through this journey, and by finding them- I am starting to not feel so alone. I pray for them just like I hope they pray for me. This is a heartbreaking journey and no one should have to do it alone.

So as I wait the next day or so to see if my period starts while taking progesterone, I will just find other things to focus my attention on. The things in my life that make me happy.

Results & The Plan

So our few weeks of testing has come and gone.

Day 3 blood work- check
HSG- check
SIS (ultrasound)- check
Semen Analysis- check

Everything came back normal. I felt that it would even before I began the testing. I do not know why, but I just did. I wasn't looking for anything to be wrong, it was just a step in the direction we needed to go to starting our family.

I had my consult yesterday with my OB about a plan. She gave me some options after labeling me with that dreaded title "unexplained infertility". The options were;

1) continue trying on our own (which we always will)

2) take clomid and do insemination

3) do insemination by itself

4) get referred to an RE

While her suggestions were valid, I didn't feel we are quite ready to stop trying on our own. So I spoke to her about our thoughts on maybe an implantation issue, and we were given a prescription for progesterone in the form of the crinone vaginal gel...yummy!

She also gave us a script for clomid, in case in a few months we might want to try that. She has first suggested the clomid with insemination because clomid makes your cervical mucous more hostile for the incoming soldiers.

I know there are ways in which you can thin out your CM either by preseed or using robitussin. So maybe we will try that. I don't know yet.

When I went to the pharmacy to get the progesterone which I will hopefully start this cycle once my body decides to ovulate, I though that it was going to be a certain price that I was quoted. Well my doctor wrote the prescription wrong and they needed to verify it. I knew that this medicine can be quite expensive because it's not really covered by insurance. So I had to leave to wait for that and that is when it hit me.

UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY. Great.

I knew it would happen, since we've been trying for well over a year. I'm being positive though. We did get pregnant once even for a split second and I do have much faith that it will happen again. When the time is right. Maybe the progesterone will help, the doctor said "we don't know if it helps but it can't hurt you". Well, there's that then.

I'm not giving up. We deserve to be parents and I hope it happens when my body is ready to support the pregnancy.  We will try these options for a few months, think about the clomid and who knows where we will be by the end of summer. All I know is I'm going to live my life. I'm not going to let this define me. We will work at it until it works.

M-Day

Mother's Day came and went. It was overall a good day. I had my family over after I worked, and we enjoyed a relaxing afternoon.

I made sure I stayed off of facebook for the day and I didn't look until evening when the day was basically over. Glad I did that, a lot of people chose to reveal their new pregnancies. Ahhhh....  oh well.

I have a different opinion on mother's day now and I guess it's due to the fact that we are having a hard time starting our family so I can "be" one. While I feel that all the momma's that have children should definitely get recognition, I feel us "other folk" who may have had lost pregnancies, trying desperately to make our miracles, we deserve a shout out too.

What about the women who have tried for years without their dreams coming true? The ones who have  endured pain and heartache, that have resorted to loving their furry creatures as their children? They deserve to feel special on Mother's Day.

I think when you are on your journey to starting a family, all holidays or special occasions are a little hard to get through. Days that are specifically for mommies and daddies, that's a punch to the gut. I still try my hardest to stay positive, focused and keep my dreams alive, despite the fact that my baby still isn't here.

I try to be supportive to those around me who are able to celebrate these special moments. I try to celebrate with them, and it usually works out that I have a good time. Maybe it's the wine?

No, I love the people in my life. My sister and mother, they are my world. I always have a great time when I am with them and I am so fortunate to have family that I love so much. I just look forward to adding to the mix with a little of our own. To spread the love more.... and grow our family.

I don't know what our future holds, I'm trying really hard to be patient in this process. I often wonder what I did wrong that has made it so difficult for us to have a family, but then I take a step back and I just try to enjoy what I have now. I will have a Mother's Day to celebrate one day, and I look forward to that moment. Every.Single.Day.

Testing, Testing

Today is the day- my HSG. I felt more nervous the last few days leading up to today. I think I've just let it sink in that there will be people down there face first and they do this all the time. A vagina is a vagina. I wish I really believed that!

I will just be happy when this is done and then next Thursday I do the ultrasound. I probably will meet with my doctor the following week to go over everything. I think I might want to do a shot before that visit! What, drinking and driving is against the law?!?

What's writing about this nerve wracking journey if I can't have a little fun with it. It's my way to vent and get all these feelings out. I'd rather my feelings be more humorous than sad anyways. I've cried way too much in the past few years and I just want to enjoy my summer.

Whatever happens from these tests, thats the way my journey is suppose to roll. I just have to go with it,  and make the best out of this situation.

The hubs did his business this morning to drop off- how awkward and unromantic. That is all I will say about that. They are the lucky ones, their testing is not uncomfortable. Wait, how lucky they are all around. They don't have to deal with periods every month, they don't have to deal with any discomfort during pregnancy and they most definitely don't have to push anything out their hole.

So what I'm getting at, which is not new knowledge- I think they make out pretty good in this whole baby making situation. Therefore, when us women are emotional hormonal car wrecks, it is fair game.

Getting Nervous

Today is Wednesday and on Friday I will be getting my HSG. When I first spoke to my doctor about all the testing, it didn't bother me. When I got the call and scheduled the actual test yesterday, I've been nervous already!

I just don't know what to expect and quite frankly, just not that into have a bunch of people all up in my bizz-natch. It's completely awkward and I find it gross. That being said, it's what I have to do and I can't change it. So yesterday before dinner, I enjoyed a nice glass of wine. I may do the same today and probably will have a glass tomorrow.

I don't normally drink out of special occasions but hey, this is my body, my feelings and I want to mellow them out a little bit.

I'm looking forward to this part of the testing being over so we can either a) find something that is wrong or b) not find anything and start the next step. Either way, it'll give us some kind of answer. I'm not really focused on either of those options, but eliminating things is a good thing.

The hubs has his test on Friday morning as well. I was originally suppose to bring said test in the morning but with my test at 12, I just don't see myself waiting around for 4 hours in a town I don't particularly like. We shall see!

Moving Forward

So the ugly beast roared her nasty little head today, which means on Monday I will be going for my day 3 blood work. The doctor only wants to check my FSH level and total testosterone. She will be using my blood work from my results in October, stating that "things wouldn't really have changed since then".

I don't know how I feel about this. I assumed they would want to do blood work for the entire cycle to see how it fluctuates during the follicular and luteal phases. What do I know though?

While I expected to have to go through this testing, I won't lie that a little part of me hoped I'd have a great story to tell about how we got knocked up on the cycle before it all begins. I guess that isn't a part of my story.....yet.

Instead of pouting or getting upset, I embraced the day. I woke up at 445, got out of bed and had my workout done by 630 this morning! The rest of the day was busy, spent doing stuff outside. We opened our pool and got a lot accomplished! Maybe by the end of the summer, we will have a nice yard!

I got burnt to a crisp, and it hurts like a mother! I see lots of Aloe in my future!

You Make Me Stronger

With every struggle comes many emotions. We can all figure out that sadness is probably the emotion you feel the most. I have definitely felt it a lot in the past year and at times I have let myself sink into my own little hole, because I needed to. I needed to feel the sadness that I am allowed to feel. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to sometimes feel an emptiness within my core. We are all allowed to feel however we want to feel, when we want to feel it.

Then when that sadness dissipates, what are you left with? For me, it's the fight in me to achieve the things I want in this life. My struggles, while some days bring me down, they also pick me back up because I won't let them define my story. I won't let what I don't have today, set my mood for my future. I want to be happy.

I want to be happy for myself, my husband, our fur-babies and for our future children. I want to live a life I am proud of, that I can look back on in 30 years and smile. This isn't a journey that always brings a smile to my face, but it is our journey. It is the journey we had to take to start our family. It may not seem that our time is drawing closer, but we don't know that. We don't know when our blessing will happen, but the struggle and all the emotions that have come with it, they have made me stronger. They have made my relationship with my husband stronger.

I couldn't do this without him. I wouldn't want to do this without him. He is one of the very few things that puts a smile on my face when I'm feeling at my worst. When I'm cursing out my lady bits and malfunctioning, he knows how to make it better. I was blessed with him in my life and I am forever grateful.

So while we go through the tests in the next few weeks, I am not going to focus on the results, because who knows what any of it will show. I will just trust that this is where our journey is taking us, and one step at a time we will be closer to what our hearts want most.

I Will Wait for You

Driving home today after just taking a short ride to pick up a delicious iced coffee (most likely my last one during the week-time to get cracking on healthier habits) the song that says over and over I will wait for you, I will wait for you came on. Needless to say, I cried instantly but it wasn't really out of sadness. More like a realization that I will wait for you, our first child until we are both healthy to make you, a healthy little bean that can grow inside my tummy for 10 months.

I will wait to pee on a stick and see those lovely two lines and know that you will stay with us.

I will wait to know that at our first ultrasound, we will hear your strong healthy heart beat singing back to us.

I will wait until you are strong and healthy to come into this world and allows us to be your parents.

I will wait however long it takes, for you to be ours.

This road hasn't been easy, and I know it won't be until you are in my arms, looking up at me. Then the road will change, and it won't be easy for different reasons. I will wait for that time, for when he is ready, he will give you to us.

I will wait for you.

The Plan

I think I hyped myself up for the appointment I had today. I actually cried some on the way to the doctors and now looking back on how the appointment went down, I feel slightly silly.

In the first 10 minutes of seeing my doctor, we already have a plan. There is no more waiting and we should be able to get all the testing done this upcoming cycle.

Since I had my annual exam with another doctor in October and then some 7dpo blood work, we aren't going to be doing that again. I had brought in my results today, which seemed to be helpful to her. I will be going in for day 3 blood work to check my FSH and testosterone levels.

I should be getting a call today or tomorrow to set up a day to have my saline ultrasound and then when I get my period, I'll be scheduling my HSG.

I have all the information I need for the hub's analysis and hopefully that can be done this week or next.

I don't know what any of these tests will come back with, but I am glad that we are going in the right direction. My doctor was very hopeful because I do ovulate and I'm going to remain positive throughout this whole process.

One day I will get pregnant, I will hold my first baby in my arms..... and we are one step closer. That's how I want to think during this process.

Good things come to those who wait, right?

Nervous But Relieved

I am a week away from going to my doctors to discuss what our future will entail. Blood tests, ultrasounds, HSGs, sperm analysis (obviously for the hubs!).....is what I'm assuming, but who knows.

All I do know is that she better have a game plan once we talk, because we are on our 25th cycle and here I am still just UNpregnant (if thats a word!)

I don't have the patience to just wait it out because I haven't been to her in over a year. It's been a year since our first pregnancy, which ended in a very early miscarriage. It's time to get to the root of our infertility problems.

I am nervous. I'm nervous that she won't want to get the testing started. I'm anticipating hearing that I'm too overweight and that is the cause of my problems. I think that is bullshit. If that is her first response, than I'm going to politely state my feelings and if she doesn't bite in a more positive way, then I'm jumping ship.

I'm nervous that we have more problems that can't be solved without having to go towards a very expensive IVF. I'm scared. I'm upset.

But I'm also relieved that I've given in and decided that its time to get this started. I've allowed myself to realize that it isn't going to work right now. So I'm trying to focus on myself, my husband, our house and our life.

My 30th birthday is this friday, and I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks because I'm approaching a new decade. A decade that will eventually lead to growing our family, one way or another.

I've decided to distance myself from things that upset me, and while I feel bad that it also consists of certain people, I'm only doing it to save my feelings and our relationships. I don't want to be bitter towards people because they have something I am struggling to get. It's not their fault and I would like to only be happy for them, and not jealous. I know in time things will get better and I'll be a more positive person..... I just need to be patient.

So I'm going to celebrate this week, because after monday things will change. I hope it will be for the better, but we have to be realistic, especially after the journey so far.

I will probably be nervous as all hell going to my appointment on monday, but I hope I leave with a sense of control that I'm doing what I'm suppose to to create our little miracle. Until then, I'll just believe.

One Step at a Time

There are so many thoughts that run through your mind all day long.

What am I making for dinner? Did the dogs go potty? Did I fold the laundry? What do I have to do this week? Are the bills paid? Blahblahblah.

I never thought my brain would be full of these types of questions though.

Did I do something wrong? Why can't I get pregnant? Will I ever have a child? Am I being punished? Why do I have to smile for everyone else's happiness when I'm dying inside?

All.Day.Long. It is a constant battle to stay on the positive band wagon. Sometimes I want to jump head first into the negative nilly wagon and just say mean things to those around me. It's awful to say. I don't want malice in my heart. I truly love those around me and I'm happy for all the good things that happen to them. I'm just jealous. Straight out.

I don't like this feeling. I've never felt it before. I've always had an open mind and just gone and gotten the things I wanted. I worked damn hard for those things and I had set backs. Nothing was every sugar coated and wonderful....but I made my life and I've been proud. I don't know how to do this some days. I don't know how to listen to people around me talk about their kids and mommy-hood, while my heart breaks over and over.

It's not a one time heart broken scenario, this one. Every time I think of my miscarriage, every time I remember I'm in the same month bad things happened, every time I hear someone is pregnant, every time I see how happy those around me are....my heart feels like it's breaking over and over. I hate it.

I try really hard to be positive. To think that it will happen when the time is right and my story with children is suppose to start. Every month I'm flipping that page, hoping for the best but secretly feeling like my happy page just isn't coming. It blows.

I'm trying very hard to hold my head high and just embrace the beautiful life I have in front of me. Some days it is hard. Some days I really don't like myself and my broken lady parts. I don't truly know how broken they are, but they don't work right. I am looking forward to trying to figure out what is wrong and maybe when I feel in control of that process, I will feel better. One step at a time and one foot in front of the other. It is the only thing I can do.

I can also pray that this won't be my life forever. That one wonderful and magical day will come around and I will be blessed with the best news. Until then, I'll smile at the blooming flowers and hold my husband just a little bit tighter. For it is his presence that fills my heart with love.

The Call

I feel like I am reliving last year and it sucks. Why why why?!? Everyone around me gets pregnant so easily and it just isn't working for us. A year ago,  I find out I was pregnant and then the spotting started. Everyone around me was celebrating their pregnancies and I was crumbling. Here I am again, in April a year later, all those around me are playing with their babies and I just finally made "the call."

The call to my doctor to say this isn't working.

It has been 24 cycles since we started to try for our first little miracle. Every month, instead of two beautiful pink lines, I am greeted with my period. Definitely not beautiful.

To say I feel crushed, basically sums up all my feelings into one word. Im frustrated, sad, disappointed, mad, resentful, upset, defeated.

I am not giving up though. All those feelings, while I may have them, I do know that there is a plan for us and I just have to learn to accept how I feel and try to be patient with the process.

I know this journey isn't going to be easy, it hasn't been so far. But I also know that I have a wonderful man besides me who is cheering us both on. It breaks my heart that I am not making him a dad yet. But I will.

I am going to limit my talking to certain individuals to a minimum because it just upsets me more. I know who I can confide in, cry with, who won't judge me or piss me off.

They never said life was perfect, this is our fight. We are going to win it, one way or another.

Pass the Facebook

If there is anything that can make a smile on your face turn into a frown, stalking facebook is definitely up there on the top ten.

Every day you log on to see pictures from your family or friends, you are met with a new ultrasound picture of a newly expecting mother. *insert cry face here*

It's not that I want to feel bad when I see these little miracles, it just breaks my heart that it's not me. That I am part of a statistic that has a hard time getting pregnant. It hurts. A lot. I know there are a lot of woman/couples out there that are like us. I know that they have made miracles themselves, it's just taking longer. I know my feelings are normal.

That doesn't make these feelings any less heart breaking on any of us. Because it does suck when you are going through it. It does feel hopeless at times, but we all have to do what we can to get what we want. A child of our own.

I'm not going to stop trying. I'm not going to stop praying. I will however say goodbye to facebook for a little while. The less I see, the better I feel! Who's with me?!?

Positive Thoughts

What keeps you going when after every month you give it your best shot,  you still come out with nothing?

Is it your ever believing faith that it will eventually happen? Is it the motivation that everyone else around you is getting what you want? Is it the look on your husband's face when he says he can't wait to be a father?

WHAT IS IT?!?

For me it's all of the above and then some. I can't really put into words what keeps me positive and grounded. I have my moments where I just cry. I cry for what could of been and what still isn't. I cry out of frustration and I cry out of jealousy. 

Then I smile. I smile as I picture holding my child for the first time. I smile as I see my husband staring up at me after giving birth. Our first kiss together as parents. I smile as I picture my toddler running around my living room, and I smile when I think of our family drives with our children in car seats. 

So in my pain, there still is a lot of smiling. I have enough faith to get me to the next day, moment, period in my life where I will have what I long for most. To love someone so unconditionally that you would give anything to make them happy, healthy and to feel loved. 

I pray every day. Not a moment goes by where I don't think about being pregnant, having a child, being something more than just what I am now. 

I know my time will come, one way or another. I'm trying to embrace what I have in life now. Every day is a gift.  I want to enjoy all my gifts, whether i'm in the place I thought I would be or not. I have a wonderful partner in life and together we will accomplish our dreams.

Dreamin'

I've found myself waking up remembering very vivid dreams where I've given birth, a few times. I have been day dreaming about what I would name my future children. I remember these dreams even a week later, and it puts a smile on my face. I am healing.

I am healing from the months before where all I did was think negatively towards myself, my body, my reproductive system. Whenever a pregnancy or baby was introduced to this world, I use to cringe and immediately cry. It felt awful. I wanted to punch people in the face and I would curse at myself for being defective.

I am slowly recognizing that I'm not doing that anymore. I'm using positive energy to guide my journey. I want to heal my body and my mind from the miscarriage last April, and I know that I am getting there. I will never forget this past year. The heartache, the anger and the disappointment will always stay with me. Although it will never go away, the memory is becoming more distant and I am learning to be happy again. Happy for all the things I have in the life, all my blessings. I am learning to love myself as I am, and to make changes so I can love myself more.

Every day when I take a shower, I take a minute to be positive and uplifting. I recite this three times over.

"I will have a healthy body, I will have a healthy pregnancy and I will have a healthy baby"

At first I said it to make myself believe it but as the days go by, I am truly starting to believe it. I am working very diligently to make my body healthier, eating a fertility friendly diet- lots of vegetables and fruits. I am making good choices in my foods, and I'm proud to say I've finally lost the weight I gained after having the miscarriage. I am continuing my fertility journey, taking natural herbs to bring my body back into balance, but what I am doing that I know will pay off, is I am being patient.

Great things do come to those who wait and I know that whatever is planned for me, will come. Not every day is rainbows or sunshine, but most days I can picture my growing family. I welcome the image until it can be my reality.

Challenging Conversations

I find it such a challenge to talk to others about this struggle. It may not just be me, it could be the topic itself that is so difficult to bring up in conversation. I find that when I want to express how I feel, others always seem to put a twist on it and compare it to a very different situation. I know it's their way to try to relate to what is going on, but I just don't feel you can relate a fertility issue, lack of pregnancy, and desire for a baby that's not coming so easily- to materialistic things.

I'm not being insensitive to the other issues that are happening to those around me, I just don't understand how you compare apples to cucumbers. Or couches to door knobs. Maybe it's just me. As my mom stated today, those who aren't experiencing reproductive issues, illness or diseases- they should sometimes just stop and listen. They don't know how these things make people feel who are experiencing them because they aren't experiencing them. I couldn't agree more.

The want for a child, it goes deep. It's another life that you want to create. To make your family and your heart whole. I feel like I am missing out on so much right now. I feel that because we are here stuck in this limbo period, that our friends don't know how to "hang out" with us and people sometimes don't know how to talk to us. They just don't.

I picture my future all the time. I dream about watching my kids swim with my friend's kids and their cousins in our pool. I feel the sun on my face and I feel so blessed in that moment. But I'm not there yet. I'm still here, trying to figure out why we aren't getting pregnant and what I can do to make myself healthier.

I've made a commitment to making myself feel better, and be healthier. To make my body prepared for a pregnancy when it does happen. I would love nothing more for it to happen naturally. I pray every day. I only can have faith that I'm doing everything I can to make our miracle happen.

Feelings

I've spent a lot of time thinking since last April. I've spent a lot of time crying and I've spent more time being bitter towards others than I would like to admit to.

It's hard to see everyone getting what you want most in life....pregnant, babies...families. Some days you feel like you are getting ripped into pieces. You are angry and you wonder what you did to deserve such a sentence. A sentence of a possible infertility issue. It doesn't make you feel good every day, and it's not suppose to. What you do with the situation, that is what gets you through to the next day, the next phase...the better part.

I've done a lot of soul searching the past year. I've learned some of my limitations and I've also learned my strengths. One thing I am good at, moving on and looking forward. I know I am good at being positive, and while it may not be every day- I know that there are better days ahead, days where my children will be surrounding my husband and I.

It's been difficult not having anyone in my life to relate to. Someone who knows the disappointment and pain of a miscarriage. Of months and months of trying with no positive results. It's frustrating. It's frustrating to not be able to talk to someone who understands my feelings. Another female who feels what I feel. My husband has been great during this whole ordeal, but men are different. They don't always show emotion or say the right thing. Us women, we tend to twist things around sometimes and only hear bits and pieces that ultimately piss us off. I've more than once called me husband insensitive to my pain but I didn't mean it. He means the world to me and if this is my fate, this struggle...I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This month we aren't even trying. I am doing a fertility cleanse and it is kicking my ass! Milk thistle and I are not good friends. Only 4 more days and I switch to things that will clean out the good ole uterus! Who knows if this is something that will help me, but I wanted to try. You can't call me a quitter because I will try anything and everything to get my little miracle. Except stealing...I won't do that. :-)

A New Direction

I started this blog to help motivate me to lose weight and get healthy, but thats not what I want to write about. It may be a part of what I want to write about, but what I feel most strongly about at this time in my life- is our journey to start a family.

I want a place where I can place my thoughts about our struggles without feeling like Im burdening those around me. This is my journey, and some days I don't feel so wonderful about it. Some days I have thoughts I'm not proud of, but I work through them.

This is my story to our little miracle, because that is what conception is....truly a miracle. There is nothing more I want than to make a child for my husband and for me. We've had some disappointments and I hope through writing, I can express my feelings so I can stay positive and focused.

This is our start to... Just believe.