Feelings

I've spent a lot of time thinking since last April. I've spent a lot of time crying and I've spent more time being bitter towards others than I would like to admit to.

It's hard to see everyone getting what you want most in life....pregnant, babies...families. Some days you feel like you are getting ripped into pieces. You are angry and you wonder what you did to deserve such a sentence. A sentence of a possible infertility issue. It doesn't make you feel good every day, and it's not suppose to. What you do with the situation, that is what gets you through to the next day, the next phase...the better part.

I've done a lot of soul searching the past year. I've learned some of my limitations and I've also learned my strengths. One thing I am good at, moving on and looking forward. I know I am good at being positive, and while it may not be every day- I know that there are better days ahead, days where my children will be surrounding my husband and I.

It's been difficult not having anyone in my life to relate to. Someone who knows the disappointment and pain of a miscarriage. Of months and months of trying with no positive results. It's frustrating. It's frustrating to not be able to talk to someone who understands my feelings. Another female who feels what I feel. My husband has been great during this whole ordeal, but men are different. They don't always show emotion or say the right thing. Us women, we tend to twist things around sometimes and only hear bits and pieces that ultimately piss us off. I've more than once called me husband insensitive to my pain but I didn't mean it. He means the world to me and if this is my fate, this struggle...I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
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This month we aren't even trying. I am doing a fertility cleanse and it is kicking my ass! Milk thistle and I are not good friends. Only 4 more days and I switch to things that will clean out the good ole uterus! Who knows if this is something that will help me, but I wanted to try. You can't call me a quitter because I will try anything and everything to get my little miracle. Except stealing...I won't do that. :-)