The First Pill

I have "officially" started treatment. The first line of defense------> Clomid.

I am only being positive during these next however many months it will take for us to get pregnant, god willing. I know if things don't work out the way I want, I will have some sadness, but I really want to focus on the good parts of trying to make a miracle. 

It's going to be hard, it has been hard. It's been frustrating, maddening, sad.... you know the emotion, it has been there. That being said, I want this baby making remembered to be made out of love- because we have so much love for our future child. I don't want to just remember crying when things didn't work out. I want to remember the excitement and what-ifs. 

Sometimes with the way I've been thinking lately, so positive and uplifting- if I'm just trying to talk myself into feeling that way. I am truly not. I feel good about things. I feel happy that we are back in the "maybe we can make a baby this month" phase. I am realistic to the possibilities, but I won't let it get me down. 

All it takes is one good egg and one lucky sperm ;-)

Infertility is.....

Infertility is.....

A struggle that while in my teenage years I always feared, but never thought I'd actually have.

A topic that up until the past few months, I've shied away from talking about. 

A journey that while I didn't expect it, I've embraced all the possibilities it has opened to me.

It's ironic how as you struggle through the ups and downs in life, that something that is so open and raw most of the time, can allow you to be a better person instead of resorting to being jealous and bitter. 

It has taken some time to get through that phase in this journey, the phase where pregnant woman, new babies, baby clothes and anything baby related can trigger a hatred like no other. It has taken a lot of deep breathes, quiet moments, and crying in the bathroom to get to where I am now. 

I can smile at a pregnant belly. While I yearn to be that person, in my heart I feel I will get there when I am meant to, not a day sooner.

I can dream about things I will do with my future kids, like running around to get them to their activities and Saturday outings as a family. 

I can talk to my favorite people in my life who have the most beautiful children, and I can really love their children with my whole heart instead of feeling bad that I am the only one childless.

There are so many wonderful things I can feel and experience while going through this battle called infertility. I feel I am up to the challenge. Not every moment is my "best" moment, but I move forward with an attitude that I am proud of. 

I am proud of my struggle. I am proud of the strength I can show and I am happy that I am making those important steps to get closer to what I desire. 

When I look back on these moments leading up to my first child, I will be able to smile knowing I was given the tools to overcome infertility. 

Infertility is a part of my life and I am a part of it. It does not change who I am, but strengthens the individual I am meant to be for my future children. 

The Good, The Bad

I always let time pass without writing anything down. I have so many different emotions towards this journey, I would think I'd want to get them out. Instead, I keep them inside until I have to have a moment and cry by myself. Then I move on.

Since the last time I wrote, some things have definitely changed. One thing that hasn't. I'm still infertile and NOT pregnant. But, that's okay.

I've made major steps forward in this journey and have found some answers to questions I've asked multiple times. In february I went ahead with laparoscopic surgery after finding out that I had a uterine septum and polyps. I started to question whether or not I had endometriosis due to certain symptoms, primarily random spotting and continuous back pain. My suspicions were confirmed and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis.

That was a little blow coming out of my medically induced slumber after surgery. I won't lie and say I didn't shed a tear or two, but then I moved on. I healed, I looked for information and I went to my post-op appointment ready to conquer this battle.

My RE seems very optimistic towards our options because I can in fact get pregnant. I've been pregnant before. We are both hoping with a little help from Clomid and IUI that we can stimulate those follicles to grow some strong eggs and have the best sperm meet for a little date.

Like everything else in life, we all have a habit of visiting the well known google. I've seen many articles saying that using Clomid with Stage 4 Endometriosis, doesn't really increase your odds of conception. I am going to ignore that. I want to remain as positive as I can, and just hope that when it's our time, with the right combination- it'll happen.

There is nothing more that I can do besides that, and make myself as healthy as possible for that precious moment. I have been doing great with my new way of eating. I have lost 38 lbs and I'm still planning on going strong. All my blood work has shown improvement and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

I am going to kick infertility's ass one way or another!!!!!