Results & The Plan

So our few weeks of testing has come and gone.

Day 3 blood work- check
HSG- check
SIS (ultrasound)- check
Semen Analysis- check

Everything came back normal. I felt that it would even before I began the testing. I do not know why, but I just did. I wasn't looking for anything to be wrong, it was just a step in the direction we needed to go to starting our family.

I had my consult yesterday with my OB about a plan. She gave me some options after labeling me with that dreaded title "unexplained infertility". The options were;

1) continue trying on our own (which we always will)

2) take clomid and do insemination

3) do insemination by itself

4) get referred to an RE

While her suggestions were valid, I didn't feel we are quite ready to stop trying on our own. So I spoke to her about our thoughts on maybe an implantation issue, and we were given a prescription for progesterone in the form of the crinone vaginal gel...yummy!

She also gave us a script for clomid, in case in a few months we might want to try that. She has first suggested the clomid with insemination because clomid makes your cervical mucous more hostile for the incoming soldiers.

I know there are ways in which you can thin out your CM either by preseed or using robitussin. So maybe we will try that. I don't know yet.

When I went to the pharmacy to get the progesterone which I will hopefully start this cycle once my body decides to ovulate, I though that it was going to be a certain price that I was quoted. Well my doctor wrote the prescription wrong and they needed to verify it. I knew that this medicine can be quite expensive because it's not really covered by insurance. So I had to leave to wait for that and that is when it hit me.

UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY. Great.

I knew it would happen, since we've been trying for well over a year. I'm being positive though. We did get pregnant once even for a split second and I do have much faith that it will happen again. When the time is right. Maybe the progesterone will help, the doctor said "we don't know if it helps but it can't hurt you". Well, there's that then.

I'm not giving up. We deserve to be parents and I hope it happens when my body is ready to support the pregnancy.  We will try these options for a few months, think about the clomid and who knows where we will be by the end of summer. All I know is I'm going to live my life. I'm not going to let this define me. We will work at it until it works.

M-Day

Mother's Day came and went. It was overall a good day. I had my family over after I worked, and we enjoyed a relaxing afternoon.

I made sure I stayed off of facebook for the day and I didn't look until evening when the day was basically over. Glad I did that, a lot of people chose to reveal their new pregnancies. Ahhhh....  oh well.

I have a different opinion on mother's day now and I guess it's due to the fact that we are having a hard time starting our family so I can "be" one. While I feel that all the momma's that have children should definitely get recognition, I feel us "other folk" who may have had lost pregnancies, trying desperately to make our miracles, we deserve a shout out too.

What about the women who have tried for years without their dreams coming true? The ones who have  endured pain and heartache, that have resorted to loving their furry creatures as their children? They deserve to feel special on Mother's Day.

I think when you are on your journey to starting a family, all holidays or special occasions are a little hard to get through. Days that are specifically for mommies and daddies, that's a punch to the gut. I still try my hardest to stay positive, focused and keep my dreams alive, despite the fact that my baby still isn't here.

I try to be supportive to those around me who are able to celebrate these special moments. I try to celebrate with them, and it usually works out that I have a good time. Maybe it's the wine?

No, I love the people in my life. My sister and mother, they are my world. I always have a great time when I am with them and I am so fortunate to have family that I love so much. I just look forward to adding to the mix with a little of our own. To spread the love more.... and grow our family.

I don't know what our future holds, I'm trying really hard to be patient in this process. I often wonder what I did wrong that has made it so difficult for us to have a family, but then I take a step back and I just try to enjoy what I have now. I will have a Mother's Day to celebrate one day, and I look forward to that moment. Every.Single.Day.

Testing, Testing

Today is the day- my HSG. I felt more nervous the last few days leading up to today. I think I've just let it sink in that there will be people down there face first and they do this all the time. A vagina is a vagina. I wish I really believed that!

I will just be happy when this is done and then next Thursday I do the ultrasound. I probably will meet with my doctor the following week to go over everything. I think I might want to do a shot before that visit! What, drinking and driving is against the law?!?

What's writing about this nerve wracking journey if I can't have a little fun with it. It's my way to vent and get all these feelings out. I'd rather my feelings be more humorous than sad anyways. I've cried way too much in the past few years and I just want to enjoy my summer.

Whatever happens from these tests, thats the way my journey is suppose to roll. I just have to go with it,  and make the best out of this situation.

The hubs did his business this morning to drop off- how awkward and unromantic. That is all I will say about that. They are the lucky ones, their testing is not uncomfortable. Wait, how lucky they are all around. They don't have to deal with periods every month, they don't have to deal with any discomfort during pregnancy and they most definitely don't have to push anything out their hole.

So what I'm getting at, which is not new knowledge- I think they make out pretty good in this whole baby making situation. Therefore, when us women are emotional hormonal car wrecks, it is fair game.

Getting Nervous

Today is Wednesday and on Friday I will be getting my HSG. When I first spoke to my doctor about all the testing, it didn't bother me. When I got the call and scheduled the actual test yesterday, I've been nervous already!

I just don't know what to expect and quite frankly, just not that into have a bunch of people all up in my bizz-natch. It's completely awkward and I find it gross. That being said, it's what I have to do and I can't change it. So yesterday before dinner, I enjoyed a nice glass of wine. I may do the same today and probably will have a glass tomorrow.

I don't normally drink out of special occasions but hey, this is my body, my feelings and I want to mellow them out a little bit.

I'm looking forward to this part of the testing being over so we can either a) find something that is wrong or b) not find anything and start the next step. Either way, it'll give us some kind of answer. I'm not really focused on either of those options, but eliminating things is a good thing.

The hubs has his test on Friday morning as well. I was originally suppose to bring said test in the morning but with my test at 12, I just don't see myself waiting around for 4 hours in a town I don't particularly like. We shall see!

Moving Forward

So the ugly beast roared her nasty little head today, which means on Monday I will be going for my day 3 blood work. The doctor only wants to check my FSH level and total testosterone. She will be using my blood work from my results in October, stating that "things wouldn't really have changed since then".

I don't know how I feel about this. I assumed they would want to do blood work for the entire cycle to see how it fluctuates during the follicular and luteal phases. What do I know though?

While I expected to have to go through this testing, I won't lie that a little part of me hoped I'd have a great story to tell about how we got knocked up on the cycle before it all begins. I guess that isn't a part of my story.....yet.

Instead of pouting or getting upset, I embraced the day. I woke up at 445, got out of bed and had my workout done by 630 this morning! The rest of the day was busy, spent doing stuff outside. We opened our pool and got a lot accomplished! Maybe by the end of the summer, we will have a nice yard!

I got burnt to a crisp, and it hurts like a mother! I see lots of Aloe in my future!

You Make Me Stronger

With every struggle comes many emotions. We can all figure out that sadness is probably the emotion you feel the most. I have definitely felt it a lot in the past year and at times I have let myself sink into my own little hole, because I needed to. I needed to feel the sadness that I am allowed to feel. I'm allowed to cry, I'm allowed to sometimes feel an emptiness within my core. We are all allowed to feel however we want to feel, when we want to feel it.

Then when that sadness dissipates, what are you left with? For me, it's the fight in me to achieve the things I want in this life. My struggles, while some days bring me down, they also pick me back up because I won't let them define my story. I won't let what I don't have today, set my mood for my future. I want to be happy.

I want to be happy for myself, my husband, our fur-babies and for our future children. I want to live a life I am proud of, that I can look back on in 30 years and smile. This isn't a journey that always brings a smile to my face, but it is our journey. It is the journey we had to take to start our family. It may not seem that our time is drawing closer, but we don't know that. We don't know when our blessing will happen, but the struggle and all the emotions that have come with it, they have made me stronger. They have made my relationship with my husband stronger.

I couldn't do this without him. I wouldn't want to do this without him. He is one of the very few things that puts a smile on my face when I'm feeling at my worst. When I'm cursing out my lady bits and malfunctioning, he knows how to make it better. I was blessed with him in my life and I am forever grateful.

So while we go through the tests in the next few weeks, I am not going to focus on the results, because who knows what any of it will show. I will just trust that this is where our journey is taking us, and one step at a time we will be closer to what our hearts want most.