My Motivation

Wow.... it's all I can say when I see that I have not written a post in way over a month. I usually devote my blog time to my first blog Chocolate & Kisses, where I basically type recipes we've tried, things about my life, and random stuff I'm sure nobody reads. I am okay with that. I started these blogs for myself and that is what I am still doing....writing for myself.

A few things have happened over the past month or so. I finally found a job, it's been over 2 months since I stopped working at my last one and I thought it was going to be hopeless. All the rejections definitely were not good for my self esteem but it has come to an end. What I learned from that little hiatus from employment is that finding a job literally sucks.

I never realized how fortunate I was to have a job during all these hard times and I give so much credit to all those who are still fighting the fight. It's hard. It's stressful and it's not something those who have not experienced would understand. I felt bad about myself. Kind of like "What is my damn purpose on this earth...I don't belong" bad. I didn't understand why my skills weren't wanted.

But, those jobs that I got rejected from over and over again....they just were not for me. I wanted a per diem job and I was basically going for anything knowing that our funds were definitely running out. Well just anything wasn't what I was suppose to get. I was suppose to get a per diem job....and I did!

I also learned during this time that I need to calm down. Between not getting pregnant and not having a job, my emotional stress level went through the roof, and my body sent me a wake up call in the form of high blood pressure. 170/100 to be exact! Whoa...... that needed to change.

I had a few doctors appointments and I realized what I needed to do. I'm 29 years old.... and I'm causing my body harm by allowing stress and my weight to set the tone for how it works. Not anymore.

As a team, my husband and I eat healthier. We move our bodies and we support each other. I realized that just being accountable to myself was not working. I needed support...I needed to talk about my health to motivate myself. I needed someone to remind me that being healthy and alive is far better than eating a cheesecake and being sick. Not that I've ever eaten more than one piece of cheesecake...but you get the point.

It's a slow process. I'm not expecting to lose all my weight over night. I want to do this the healthy way while still enjoying food. Just in moderation. I don't want to feel deprived and I want to feel proud of my choices.

I'm bringing back the basics that I used to lose weight in the past.... except this time I'm going to keep it off. My health depends on it.

UNhappy Weight

It is a constant struggle. This desire to feel better in my skin, to lose weight and find a middle ground with my love for food. I have to plan out my days eats the night before or the morning of, and even though I have a game plan....I veer off of it on occasion. More than I would like to admit, but this is my truth.

I've been doing really good this week when it comes to moving. I've made my husband be my accountability and support. I text him when I start exercising and I've told him he needs to ask if I've done my workout if I haven't let him know. Just yesterday as I was hitting a brick wall and going to lay on my bed for a few minutes...."Did you workout?" appeared on my screen. No dear, but I will after I take a minute. That's all it took. I got up, put on my workout clothes and got to sweating.

We all have our reason for gaining the weight. Boredom, depression, no motivation, or suppressing feelings that should be confronted, in a bag of chips. There are many things that can cause us to fall back into old habits. As my husband and I were driving the other day he said "You put on your happy weight"... well hunny, this is NOT happy weight. This is the weight I gained from being UNhappy. Not with him, but with our schedules, our lifestyle.

Here I sit with those excuses....and our schedules and lifestyle have changed but I've still gained weight. So what exactly is it that leaves me unmotivated? What is it in my brain that tells me that its okay to eat 2.5 servings of sour patch watermelons in one sitting? Am I proud of that, no.... but I did count it on my daily calories so there is some progress. I am being honest and trying my best to make better decisions. But is it my best. No, it's not. Who am I kidding? Myself.

My best is 8 years ago, when I was eating healthy, exercising almost every day. I was putting myself first in front of all other things. I felt great. What happened? I met the man of me dream when I felt my best and he's right by my side now.... 70+ pounds later. He still loves me, when I don't love myself. If I did, I'd take better care of the body that is suppose to lead me into my 80s and 90s.

I want to live that long. I want to have children and be able to play with them without being short of breath or sweating like a beast. It's embarrassing. I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to come up with excuses for myself.

Despite these feelings, I am not a sad person. I'm happy.... I love my husband, my house, my dogs, my family and friends. I can be happier. I need to love myself again. I'm proud of my husband for asking me if I worked out yesterday. I'm proud of myself for not biting his head off and taking his cue to get my ass on that treadmill.

I am proud of myself for recognizing that I am the only one who can change this body. The only one who can allow it to take me farther in this life.

So I'm going to take my proud ass off this computer and get moving.

Can't Control Everything

There are only so many things a person can control at one given time. For the past six months I have been trying to work a job on the nightshift that I loathed, get pregnant again, and kept telling myself that the time was now to lose weight.

Well I failed at all three. I couldn't handle any of it and it pretty much came out as a tired, sad, overly emotional, mean, and lazy person. So, I made a change.

I quit my job and I'm getting back on a normal sleep cycle. I've also decided that I can't try to get pregnant and lose weight at the same time. Personally, it overwhelms me to try to do both and I end up doing neither. So I've chosen to get back in the game and lose this weight.

I don't feel good about myself. I can feel my body parts jiggling when I move. I get short of breathe when I exert myself. I am completely out of shape and enough is enough.

I could write about how I feel all day long. That's not going to help me. I'll still be sitting here on my ass and not moving. So it's time to get to bed, I have some exercising to do in the morning.

Break Up Letter

To my Dearest Deposits of Fat,

We have spent quite a bit of time together. Through the years, we've parted ways only to meet again. You have been very close to me, and I'm sorry to say that it must happen again. We must say goodbye. While I have loved the warmth you have provided me, our relationship has been quite one sided. I just don't like YOU anymore. That is not fair. Relationships are a two way street and you my old friend, are going to be a road less traveled.

In saying goodbye to someone so close, you want to say I'll see you again. I cannot lie. I don't want to see you again, I will not see you again. You need to stay away forever. I could say that I hope you find a friend somewhere else, and I have a few I could send you to but that would be mean.

I just don't want to look at myself and hate you so much. We have bonded for a few years now, you have gotten quite comfortable on my stomach and thighs. It's time for you to get uncomfortable. Sorry that this break up letter isn't more YOU friendly, but it's time for ME to be happy.

Sincerely,
Your Soon to Be Ex-friend

A Loss, Other than a Pound

I started this blog a few days before I found out I was pregnant. I had found out my sister was pregnant and being the only one I know now without a baby, I became very sad and decided I just needed to take care of me. I was determined.

Then I got a positive pregnancy test. A week later, I started to miscarry.

The sadness I feel for the loss of my very first pregnancy, it can cut you with a knife. Of course I'm going to think it was my fault. My doctor reassured me it wasn't. While I understand it, I can't help but think that it has something to do with my weight.

I know there are others out there that are maybe a little less, the same, or more than me that have healthy pregnancies. I guess I'm just looking for a reason that I can change. My weight.

It's hard to want so many different things at the same time and feel overwhelmed by it. I want a new job, to lose weight and have a baby. I have to pick my battles. The thing I want the most, is a child.

I want to be a mommy. I deserve to be a mommy. So I have to start treating myself like I will be a mommy. I have to be better to my body so it can hold and protect a pregnancy.

I'm trying to be strong, but I have my moments. It is expected. I can never say my future child was my first pregnancy, because I've lost my first. It is so upsetting to say it that way. We are trying to find the positives in it all.

Throughout life we are given many obstacles, I look forward to our future with a more positive outcome.

There is no PLAN

I'm not going to go on a crash diet to get to a healthy weight. That makes no sense. To be healthy, you have to eat healthy, and do activities that make you healthy. A crash diet is not in any way a part of those two concepts.

A crash diet is one that you restrict the types of foods you eat, the amount of calories you take it, and most importantly the proper nutrients that your body needs. That doesn't sound like a good idea for keeping your body energized and alive.

I've spent a lot of time and money on different diet/programs out there. To name a few, Weight Watchers, Adkins, South Beach, The Belly Fat Cure, The Fat Flush Plan, The Zone Diet.... in all honestly, out of the 28 years of my life, I almost feel I've tried some sort of diet plan, and failed except for once.

When I was in nursing school, I finally had enough of being unhealthy. So I chose to do something about it. I chose to eat healthier and I chose to exercise every day. I lost over 70 pounds and felt wonderful. After graduating from nursing school, I have gained the weight back. Every year, more weight has crept back onto this 5 foot 1 inch frame. WAY too much weight.

I am now in the morbidly obese category of weight ranges. It makes me sad. I am the only one that has let this happen, and I am the only one who can change it. It isn't going to be easy, but I am willing to do the work. I want to feel good about myself. I want to look in the mirror and not cringe. I want to be able to pull clothes out of my closet and go. I want to be able to stand naked in front of my husband and not feel ugly, or cover up my stomach with a shirt.

Most importantly, I don't want this short life to pass me by and at the end say to myself "I didn't do all the things I wanted because I was heavy."

While there is no exact plan to follow, I know what I want to do. I want to eat the foods I love, with a healthy twist. I want to feel empowered and energetic by the exercises and activities I choose to do. I don't want to restrict myself from food groups because that only leads to boring, binges and failure. Been there, done that.

Last, I want to be accountable. I may not want people in my life to know my weight right now. But I'm willing to stare that number in the face and post it daily for strangers to see. Hopefully someone stumbles upon this blog, and supports me in my journey. If not, I always have myself....and it's time to love that person all the way through.

The Right Time

When is the right time to make a big change? Yesterday. So tomorrow will be my yesterday.

I've spent the past 6 years gaining weight. I've spent countless times saying "I'm so fat, the diet starts tomorrow," starting said diet and then using some lame excuse to justify why I should be allowed a cheat day.

One cheat day becomes a new way of eating unhealthy. Over and over again.

As many times as I ask my husband to tell me no when I'm determined to stay on plan, he doesn't. I shouldn't expect him to, it's not his job.

My yesterday starts with me, continues with me, and ends with me. I want to be my yesterday.