Nervous But Relieved

I am a week away from going to my doctors to discuss what our future will entail. Blood tests, ultrasounds, HSGs, sperm analysis (obviously for the hubs!).....is what I'm assuming, but who knows.

All I do know is that she better have a game plan once we talk, because we are on our 25th cycle and here I am still just UNpregnant (if thats a word!)

I don't have the patience to just wait it out because I haven't been to her in over a year. It's been a year since our first pregnancy, which ended in a very early miscarriage. It's time to get to the root of our infertility problems.

I am nervous. I'm nervous that she won't want to get the testing started. I'm anticipating hearing that I'm too overweight and that is the cause of my problems. I think that is bullshit. If that is her first response, than I'm going to politely state my feelings and if she doesn't bite in a more positive way, then I'm jumping ship.

I'm nervous that we have more problems that can't be solved without having to go towards a very expensive IVF. I'm scared. I'm upset.

But I'm also relieved that I've given in and decided that its time to get this started. I've allowed myself to realize that it isn't going to work right now. So I'm trying to focus on myself, my husband, our house and our life.

My 30th birthday is this friday, and I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks because I'm approaching a new decade. A decade that will eventually lead to growing our family, one way or another.

I've decided to distance myself from things that upset me, and while I feel bad that it also consists of certain people, I'm only doing it to save my feelings and our relationships. I don't want to be bitter towards people because they have something I am struggling to get. It's not their fault and I would like to only be happy for them, and not jealous. I know in time things will get better and I'll be a more positive person..... I just need to be patient.

So I'm going to celebrate this week, because after monday things will change. I hope it will be for the better, but we have to be realistic, especially after the journey so far.

I will probably be nervous as all hell going to my appointment on monday, but I hope I leave with a sense of control that I'm doing what I'm suppose to to create our little miracle. Until then, I'll just believe.