Onto the Next

April 24th 2012- The day my heart shattered into little pieces as I learned that my pregnancy was over.

Two years later, my first medicated cycle deemed a bust. What are the odds? I don't really know.

I do know, as I venture on in this emotionally draining journey, who I can count on. I know who will be there to listen to me cry, talking about things as if I'm a broken record, and love me on my darkest days. That also means, I know who will not and that's okay.

As we move onto our next cycle- I feel I need to be more quiet on this journey with certain people. I know, that in order for me to not get upset with their lack of respect for me and this process, I need to block them out. I do not need nor appreciate any negative energy.

I have a hard enough fight to win so that my husband and I can bring home our baby. I have odds against me and I feel as if I'm a ticking time bomb. Every new cycle- all I here in my head is tick tock tick tock. I hate that. I hate this.

I found myself saying to my mom and sister over the past few days, I'm tired already. We just started up again in the TTC phase, after having a long break. That break was well needed. It brought me to this place, a place where I now know what is wrong with me. Why my body has failed at creating my dream come true. Now that we have completed a failed cycle- I'm already tired? I'm sure it's a combination of fertility medications + regular lady period hormones.

I am proud to say that as quick as I fall into that deep dark place, I pick myself up. I stop crying, I stop thinking so negatively and I try to get back to my happy place. What happened over the last month is now history and time to move on.

My life is now centered around my period. It is now separated into two week intervals. The first two weeks, a combination of hating my period and hoping and praying that the medications are doing their job. The second two weeks, praying like crazy that for once my body does what it was meant to do.

I am fortunate to have the man by my side that I do- he lets me cry, tries to comfort me and also gives me my space when needed. He is my world. I am grateful for him every day, even in moments where I am at my worst- he still loves me. That is a true blessing.