It's Never Easy

I've been going to my RE for seven months. Within those seven months, I've had some gains and some losses.

I obviously learned what our main cause for infertility is, the evil monster called endometriosis.

I have struggled with this diagnosis because now I know what all my pain is. Now when I feel the back stabs and the pelvic pain, it's just a reminder that my endometriosis is here to stay and coming back all the damn time. I am not the fortunate case that it doesn't grow back because mine does.

So I consider finding out what really is wrong a gain, but I definitely am having a hard time not thinking that it is a big loss in my infertility battle.

That doesn't mean I don't intend to fight hard against it to grow our family, but it is just that- HARD.

We have done 4 medicated cycles so far, three with clomid and one with injectibles. Here I sit at the end of my two week wait and I feel defeated.

I know that we haven't done a lot of cycles, but for some reason I just don't feel like IUIs are our answer. I don't know why and I wish I could feel differently.

This last IUI, they found that something might be wrong with my left tube. It was open and patent last year during my HSG. It was open this february when I had my LAP done so it just really threw me through a loop when they said it looks dilated.

I've spent the past week mourning my left tube when it reality, I don't know if anything is wrong with it. I have to wait until the cycle is over to have another HSG- and while I don't want to waste time- I am looking forward to not having to go back and forth to the RE next month. Maybe I can pretend this isn't my life or our struggle. Nope, that's not going to happen.

Whatever happens over the course of the next few months, I just have to go with it. It doesn't get easier though. I am trying to be at peace with the knowing that we are not going to have a child anytime soon.  Trying to focus on the other things that need to be done in our lives. I need to focus on being a healthier person for whenever it is my time to carry a child. I just hope that it is possible one day.