Our Angel Guides Us

It's a word that you hear about- but a statistic you never think you might be part of.

It's an event in your life that changes you.

It is something that you will never forget.

It has been two years since I have seen two little pink lines. It has been two years full of tears, frustration, false hope and sadness.

As I approach the anniversary of losing our little bean, I am filled with mixed emotions. We are moving forward with our infertility treatment, and the potential promise of a child is lingering. It makes me smile sometimes. Then I think about what would have been at this point, a bouncy happy 16 month old child- and tears run down my face.

I didn't even have a chance to enjoy being pregnant for that short time. From the moment I found out, I knew something was wrong. I held onto hope, and when my fears came true- I allowed myself to grieve. I still grieve, just differently.

I won't forget the journey that we've had to travel. Ever. It has changed me, my relationships, but it has not broken me. I still dream about our what ifs, I still want to picture a house full of kids. Although it hurts that our arms are still empty, we fill each other with joy and keep our faith, that it will happen.

We are going to follow our hearts until we experience the joy of parenthood. No matter where it leads us. May I be able to find some peace in this journey, through helping others. That is what I am drawn to do.

I will rest easy, that good days will be coming. I do not know when, but our journey is already laid out and we must just follow in his footsteps.

I have hope that our angel is guiding us.

Waiting.....

It has been an interesting few days since I started my first round of treatment. The Clomid really didn't cause too many side effects which I am grateful for. I did feel somewhat irate at times, but I think that's due in part to a sick husband and no sleep for a few days.

I had an emotional meltdown yesterday morning when I thought our cycle was going to be a bust. The husband has been sick for 9 days, and wasn't getting any better. I'm hoping our steps in natural treatment have proved effective, because my heart hurt yesterday.

I am in a better place today, with whatever way this cycle goes. I know that these things happen, and while I am saddened if I've taken medication for nothing- I'm still moving forward in one way or another. I can't blame my husband, and I don't. It's just how the cards were dealt.

On another note- it makes me sad to even type this, but my first fur-child got hit by a car today. All three of the dogs jumped on the front screen door, and it opened. I was able to grab two out of the three, being that I only have two hands and my Tucker got away and ran into the road. He seems to be ok, but I am keeping a close eye on him. He is very lucky to be alive right now, and I am forever grateful for whoever was looking out for him and us.

So now I wait, in limbo (like always) to see if we get to try this month or have to wait again. I'm trying to keep my spirits up, we shall see!

The First Pill

I have "officially" started treatment. The first line of defense------> Clomid.

I am only being positive during these next however many months it will take for us to get pregnant, god willing. I know if things don't work out the way I want, I will have some sadness, but I really want to focus on the good parts of trying to make a miracle. 

It's going to be hard, it has been hard. It's been frustrating, maddening, sad.... you know the emotion, it has been there. That being said, I want this baby making remembered to be made out of love- because we have so much love for our future child. I don't want to just remember crying when things didn't work out. I want to remember the excitement and what-ifs. 

Sometimes with the way I've been thinking lately, so positive and uplifting- if I'm just trying to talk myself into feeling that way. I am truly not. I feel good about things. I feel happy that we are back in the "maybe we can make a baby this month" phase. I am realistic to the possibilities, but I won't let it get me down. 

All it takes is one good egg and one lucky sperm ;-)

Infertility is.....

Infertility is.....

A struggle that while in my teenage years I always feared, but never thought I'd actually have.

A topic that up until the past few months, I've shied away from talking about. 

A journey that while I didn't expect it, I've embraced all the possibilities it has opened to me.

It's ironic how as you struggle through the ups and downs in life, that something that is so open and raw most of the time, can allow you to be a better person instead of resorting to being jealous and bitter. 

It has taken some time to get through that phase in this journey, the phase where pregnant woman, new babies, baby clothes and anything baby related can trigger a hatred like no other. It has taken a lot of deep breathes, quiet moments, and crying in the bathroom to get to where I am now. 

I can smile at a pregnant belly. While I yearn to be that person, in my heart I feel I will get there when I am meant to, not a day sooner.

I can dream about things I will do with my future kids, like running around to get them to their activities and Saturday outings as a family. 

I can talk to my favorite people in my life who have the most beautiful children, and I can really love their children with my whole heart instead of feeling bad that I am the only one childless.

There are so many wonderful things I can feel and experience while going through this battle called infertility. I feel I am up to the challenge. Not every moment is my "best" moment, but I move forward with an attitude that I am proud of. 

I am proud of my struggle. I am proud of the strength I can show and I am happy that I am making those important steps to get closer to what I desire. 

When I look back on these moments leading up to my first child, I will be able to smile knowing I was given the tools to overcome infertility. 

Infertility is a part of my life and I am a part of it. It does not change who I am, but strengthens the individual I am meant to be for my future children. 

The Good, The Bad

I always let time pass without writing anything down. I have so many different emotions towards this journey, I would think I'd want to get them out. Instead, I keep them inside until I have to have a moment and cry by myself. Then I move on.

Since the last time I wrote, some things have definitely changed. One thing that hasn't. I'm still infertile and NOT pregnant. But, that's okay.

I've made major steps forward in this journey and have found some answers to questions I've asked multiple times. In february I went ahead with laparoscopic surgery after finding out that I had a uterine septum and polyps. I started to question whether or not I had endometriosis due to certain symptoms, primarily random spotting and continuous back pain. My suspicions were confirmed and I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis.

That was a little blow coming out of my medically induced slumber after surgery. I won't lie and say I didn't shed a tear or two, but then I moved on. I healed, I looked for information and I went to my post-op appointment ready to conquer this battle.

My RE seems very optimistic towards our options because I can in fact get pregnant. I've been pregnant before. We are both hoping with a little help from Clomid and IUI that we can stimulate those follicles to grow some strong eggs and have the best sperm meet for a little date.

Like everything else in life, we all have a habit of visiting the well known google. I've seen many articles saying that using Clomid with Stage 4 Endometriosis, doesn't really increase your odds of conception. I am going to ignore that. I want to remain as positive as I can, and just hope that when it's our time, with the right combination- it'll happen.

There is nothing more that I can do besides that, and make myself as healthy as possible for that precious moment. I have been doing great with my new way of eating. I have lost 38 lbs and I'm still planning on going strong. All my blood work has shown improvement and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

I am going to kick infertility's ass one way or another!!!!!

Where We Are Now

Sometimes it feels like this isn't my life. This isn't our struggle. But it is.

Every month I am met with the same awful period reminding me how I can't get pregnant but letting me know it still exists. I finally had enough. Enough waiting, wondering and thinking that I've done something wrong.

I finally went to my first RE appointment. Another reminder that I live the life of infertile. An infertile who ovulates every month, has a regular cycle and for some reason won't get pregnant.

I've spent so many hours crying and feeling sad for myself, I just don't want that anymore.

I want to feel joyous even in our struggle. I want to be happy. I want to look back and smile at all the wonderful things around me.

So I changed the way I think. In order to live a life of happiness even in the darkest moments, we must be positive. While I still get anxious, still have moments of sadness, I don't let it define me. I don't let it steal my thunder. I move on.

I'm taking control of this struggle.

I am so happy I have finally made the steps I need to, to get to our little miracle. I don't know how it will happen or what measures we will have to take. I am ready.

At the same time, I am also ready to take control of myself and my weight. I have joined a weight loss program that I am so excited to be a part of. I want to be healthy, for me, the people I love and our future children. This is my time to make it all happen. No more living vicariously through others, this is my time now.

Progesterone 1st Cycle

So I've been on the progesterone for 11 days. My temperatures have gone up which I feel is a plus. No more all over the place, up and down or spotting randomly through my luteal phase. For the most part, I feel happier, and less moody as if my hormones are stabilizing and not all over the place.

I have had cramping on and off, the lovely sore sisters, and a few pimples here and there. Otherwise, it hasn't been bad.

When I saw my temperature go up today on 11DPO instead of down, it made me happy. Then I went to put in the progesterone gel and I noticed blood. My happiness fell to the floor.

I'm trying to be positive. I don't expect things to just work- although it would be nice. It would be nice to sometimes not have a clue about anything and then one day notice you didn't get your period and BOOM like that....you are pregnant. Thats not my world. I have to be at peace with that in order to continue this journey.

I have to have faith that this will work when it's suppose to and to not force it. It's hard. Not only for me, but for so many other people out there. While I don't wish this on anyone, I sometimes do wish I had anyone in my life to relate to, but I don't. It hurts. A lot.

I've started to look for real people on instagram that are going through this journey, and by finding them- I am starting to not feel so alone. I pray for them just like I hope they pray for me. This is a heartbreaking journey and no one should have to do it alone.

So as I wait the next day or so to see if my period starts while taking progesterone, I will just find other things to focus my attention on. The things in my life that make me happy.